Page 5 | AIBU to be content with a traditional division of labour?

BeCosyNavyMentor · 2026-05-18T18:44:00+00:00

Throwaway. My husband (41) is a corporate lawyer specialising in big mergers and acquisitions in the City. He routinely works 12-14 hour days, often gets called in at weekends, and travels to Europe a few times a month. He earns around £250-300k a year plus bonus, which covers our mortgage on a 5-bed in Surrey, private school fees for all three kids, and pretty much everything else. I work three days a week term-time as a teaching assistant. The rest of the time I run the house completely — all cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids’ schedules, homework, birthdays, dentist appointments, shopping, dealing with the builders, everything. At weekends he might take the children to play football for an hour or two, but I’m still the one managing it all. He’s not lazy in himself — he’s just focused on his career and bringing home the money. The truth is I’m mostly happy with it. I actually enjoy being the one who holds the home together and I’m proud of what he does. We rarely argue about it and the kids are thriving. My sister says I’m letting him get away with murder and that no modern woman should accept this in 2026. AIBU to think this is just a normal, practical arrangement for a lot of families? Or have I internalised the patriarchy and should be furious?

FoulBlister · 18/05/2026 20:21

OP jumped the shark with son wanting to be "hard working and a good provider" and daughter asking to use the vacuum cleaner.

Surely this is an Incel peddling trad wife nonsense from their mum's back bedroom.

MandemChickenShop · 18/05/2026 20:20

bumptybum · 18/05/2026 20:15

I’m amazed you can pay 3 sets of private fees with him earning 500k -600k

they are not at senior school yet I’m assuming.

i’m also advised that a corporate lawyer and emerge acquisitions is ‘only’ earning half a million

And why would you be doing the cleaning?
what possible family in your situation doesn’t have a Cleaner

Edited

Really? 3 x 30k = 90 or 180 gross. 600k easily enough for a nice day school

Boarding I guess is double, but that's not mentioned.

I dont really think the son wants to be just like his dad, and the daughter loves hoovering, that's just having a laugh. Dunno about child 3?

BeardySchnauzer · 18/05/2026 20:20

DH is similar but I work 3 days in a professional job. Yes I make a tiny fraction of his earnings but I earn enough to go it alone. But more to the point - I earn enough to outsource the household jobs. I am still default parent though and I don’t mind that.

my teen dd recently said to me that she was grateful to have been brought up by a working mum. I asked what she meant and she said all of her (privately educated) friends with a sahm are completely focussed on becoming one themselves in the future and talk of the kind of man who can facilitate that lifestyle. DD said she felt I was a good role model! (A brief respite from the teenage grumpiness)

so I guess it’s fine but be careful what your kids are picking up

(same goes for boys - how many threads on here are marriage problems because the husband takes for granted the wife will do all the household/kid stuff)

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/05/2026 20:20

YANBU. Dh and I were similar, especially during many years living and working abroad. He worked very long hours and only had one day off a week. Projects were always wanted ‘yesterday’ - no way could he have cut his hours. I did work p/t once the younger started school, but only ever mornings. I’d never have expected Dh to help with shopping, cooking, or anything domestic - he was always so occupied with work. One year he had such urgent projects, he didn’t even take his annual leave - dds and I went on our own.

He has never been remotely mean with money - all funds from whatever source have always been ‘ours’.

I might add, we have been married for a very long time!

bumptybum · 18/05/2026 20:19

Blistory · 18/05/2026 20:10

He works incredibly hard ? Are you sure ? There is a distinction between being out of the house long hours and working hard. Are your hours any less between your employment and your home life ? Are your hours actually any easier ?

Do you think it influences how your children perceive gender roles ? Because you seem to value his role more than you value yours. Does he value and appreciate the role that you play ?

Have you ever come back from a day/week at your work tanned and relaxed ?

What makes you think he comes back tanned and relaxed 🤣 honestly, some people think that unless you’re physically toying laying bricks or digging a hole, it’s not hard work or savings lives

Original poster

BeCosyNavyMentor · 18/05/2026 20:18

bumptybum · 18/05/2026 20:15

I’m amazed you can pay 3 sets of private fees with him earning 500k -600k

they are not at senior school yet I’m assuming.

i’m also advised that a corporate lawyer and emerge acquisitions is ‘only’ earning half a million

And why would you be doing the cleaning?
what possible family in your situation doesn’t have a Cleaner

Edited

Thanks for your message.
The children are 10, 7 and 4. The two older ones are at prep school and the youngest goes to private nursery three mornings a week. Fees are obviously expensive but perfectly manageable, especially as we bought the house ten years ago on a much smaller salary.
DH’s package is fairly standard for his level in M&A according to people he works with. Some years the bonus is higher, some lower, but it averages around that. I’m not hugely interested in the exact figures as long as the bills are paid.
As for cleaning, I do almost all of it myself. We could easily afford a cleaner but I actually prefer not to have one. I like my house run a certain way and I get satisfaction from looking after it. My daughter even likes ‘helping mummy’ with the dusting and hoovering sometimes, which I think is lovely.
We’re both happy with our arrangement so I don’t see why it bothers people so much

OP posts:

Newyearawaits · 18/05/2026 20:18

BeCosyNavyMentor · 18/05/2026 20:04

Thanks, I do know I’m fortunate in a lot of ways and I’m grateful for the life he provides us. He actually flew out to Lake Como in Italy for a week last month on a work trip — all client meetings and team dinners apparently. He came back looking noticeably more relaxed and tanned, which was nice. I stayed behind with the three DC of course.
That’s partly why I don’t mind carrying the domestic side so much. He works incredibly hard. But reading some of these replies I’m starting to wonder if I’m being naive?

Show quote history

Possibly, I mean that in the nicest possible way.

bumptybum · 18/05/2026 20:15

I’m amazed you can pay 3 sets of private fees with him earning 500k -600k

they are not at senior school yet I’m assuming.

i’m also advised that a corporate lawyer and emerge acquisitions is ‘only’ earning half a million

And why would you be doing the cleaning?
what possible family in your situation doesn’t have a Cleaner

Original poster

BeCosyNavyMentor · 18/05/2026 20:15

7in1Pond · 18/05/2026 20:12

Your sister should butt out. If it works for you, what's the issue? Also what's the solution- get him to give up his job and find one which pays less but has better hours? Or maybe she thinks you should also be earning £600k.

Not sure this is anything to do with being traditional- you're not suggesting that women generally should do more at home just that it's what works for you.

Sounds like you're both in a good position with work you find meaningful, a good relationship and plenty of money. Sounds great. I really don't think getting your husband to scrub the loo when he gets in at midnight after work is going to make anyone's life better.

Thanks, it’s refreshing to read a more balanced take. My sister has always been very focused on career and equality so I think our setup just doesn’t compute for her.
You’re right that it works for us. Our son openly says he wants to be like his dad when he grows up — hard-working and a good provider. Our daughter actually enjoys pottering around helping me clean and tidy, she asks if she can use the hoover or help me in the kitchen. It seems to suit their personalities.
DH is very appreciative of what I do. He tells me regularly that none of it would work without me holding everything together. When he got back from that week in Lake Como he was full of thanks and took us all out for a nice meal.
I don’t expect him to scrub the loo at midnight either. We’re both happy with the balance we’ve found and that’s what matters to us

OP posts:

TidyRaven · 18/05/2026 20:13

Newyearawaits · 18/05/2026 19:59

You are in an extremely fortunate position OP. Your husband isn't getting away with anything, he is working and providing an excellent standard of living for you all.

I feel like I'm in an extremely fortunate position too. Like the OP, I feel very grateful and proud of my husband for enabling me to be at home.
This is an interesting discussion, because it shows it's not about the money it's about how well traditional set ups can work with the right attitude.

Original poster

BeCosyNavyMentor · 18/05/2026 20:12

Blistory · 18/05/2026 20:10

He works incredibly hard ? Are you sure ? There is a distinction between being out of the house long hours and working hard. Are your hours any less between your employment and your home life ? Are your hours actually any easier ?

Do you think it influences how your children perceive gender roles ? Because you seem to value his role more than you value yours. Does he value and appreciate the role that you play ?

Have you ever come back from a day/week at your work tanned and relaxed ?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes, I do think DH works incredibly hard. His job involves huge stress, massive responsibility, tight deadlines and a lot of travel. It’s not just about being out of the house — some of the deals he works on run into hundreds of millions. To be honest my days are long too, but I get a lot of satisfaction from running the home and looking after the children.

On the gender role side, our son definitely looks up to his dad and says he wants to be like him when he grows up — successful, hard-working and a good provider. Our daughter enjoys helping me with the cleaning and tidying, she actually asks if she can hoover or help bake. It seems to come naturally to them both.

DH does value what I do. He tells me often that he couldn’t do his job if I wasn’t holding everything together at home, and he’s very affectionate and appreciative when he’s here.

No I’ve never come back from my job tanned and relaxed like he did from Lake Como last month, but I’m happy with my life as it is. Maybe we just have a more traditional setup than some people on here and that’s okay?

OP posts:

7in1Pond · 18/05/2026 20:12

Your sister should butt out. If it works for you, what's the issue? Also what's the solution- get him to give up his job and find one which pays less but has better hours? Or maybe she thinks you should also be earning £600k.

Not sure this is anything to do with being traditional- you're not suggesting that women generally should do more at home just that it's what works for you.

Sounds like you're both in a good position with work you find meaningful, a good relationship and plenty of money. Sounds great. I really don't think getting your husband to scrub the loo when he gets in at midnight after work is going to make anyone's life better.

Blistory · 18/05/2026 20:10

He works incredibly hard ? Are you sure ? There is a distinction between being out of the house long hours and working hard. Are your hours any less between your employment and your home life ? Are your hours actually any easier ?

Do you think it influences how your children perceive gender roles ? Because you seem to value his role more than you value yours. Does he value and appreciate the role that you play ?

Have you ever come back from a day/week at your work tanned and relaxed ?

Original poster

BeCosyNavyMentor · 18/05/2026 20:09

Manuiio · 18/05/2026 20:01

You're not being unreasonable if you're both happy, but things that came to mind...
What sort tof relationship do you all really even have with him if he's never there? How meaningful a relationship can you and the children even have with him?
Second was do you enjoy your work? In a 'traditional' set up as you call it you wouldn't be working at all. Fair enough if it's your hobby rather than your job, but really at that income and in the set up you aspire to your job should be the house and that's it.
I do think frankly with he spare bedroom and that income you could have a live in housekeeper/ nanny and have a much easier life. I just wonder if you've convinced yourself you're fine with doing everything to some extent? Cleaning a 5 bed house, running kids around, homework and bedtime, cooking, and doing a job yourself does sound like significant work.

Thanks for your reply, it's given me quite a bit to think about.
The DC actually have a really good relationship with their dad. He might not be there for every single bedtime or sports day, but the time they do spend together is very meaningful. They absolutely idolise him — weekends are full of football in the garden, trips to the park, and proper chats. They miss him when he's away but they're genuinely close. Our marriage is the same; we make the most of the time we have and he's very affectionate when he's home.
I do enjoy my three days at school. It's not just a hobby, it gives me a sense of independence and adult conversation. As for a live-in nanny or housekeeper, we've talked about it but I don't want one. I actually like being the one who runs the house, does the cooking, homework, bedtimes and everything. It makes me feel needed. When DH was in Lake Como for that week-long work trip last month everything still ran like clockwork here, so it can't be that bad.
I promise I'm not convincing myself I'm fine with it. This setup genuinely works for us and I'm happy. Maybe I'm just quite traditional?

OP posts:

PinkyFlamingo · 18/05/2026 20:08

It's like a different world reading posts like this really .

carnivalcat · 18/05/2026 20:07

He does all that, yet your sister thinks he’s getting away with murder because he doesn’t share the housework? Really?! That’s a wild take IMO!

YANBU

Newyearawaits · 18/05/2026 20:06

BeCosyNavyMentor · 18/05/2026 19:49

DH’s total package with bonus is usually £550-650k. We bought the house ten years ago before Surrey prices went stratospheric and the mortgage is very manageable.

The money isn’t really the issue I’m asking about though. I’m just wondering if I’m being unreasonable for not minding that I run the house and he doesn’t. Plenty of my friends have similar setups and don’t seem to think it’s evil

Show quote history

He doesn't run the house but he pays for it!

Dweetfidilove · 18/05/2026 20:05

YABU for letting someone else dictate that what makes you happy, should be other than it is. You're happy, your husband is happy and your children are thriving.
What your sister thinks, is just her opinion.
Unless, you're not quite as happy as you say?

TheCurious0range · 18/05/2026 20:05

If it works for you that's great, I couldn't do it. I need intellectual challenge and pressure and I get that from work.

Original poster

BeCosyNavyMentor · 18/05/2026 20:04

Newyearawaits · 18/05/2026 19:59

You are in an extremely fortunate position OP. Your husband isn't getting away with anything, he is working and providing an excellent standard of living for you all.

Thanks, I do know I’m fortunate in a lot of ways and I’m grateful for the life he provides us. He actually flew out to Lake Como in Italy for a week last month on a work trip — all client meetings and team dinners apparently. He came back looking noticeably more relaxed and tanned, which was nice. I stayed behind with the three DC of course.
That’s partly why I don’t mind carrying the domestic side so much. He works incredibly hard. But reading some of these replies I’m starting to wonder if I’m being naive?

OP posts:

iniati · 18/05/2026 20:03

It wouldn't work for me.

I have my own high flying career - which I really enjoy and wouldn't want to give up

I also don't enjoy domestic labour - I accept doing half of it as part of life but I wouldn't enjoy doing all of it

I would find it depressing being the person facilitating everyone else rather than having my own thing

I would hate feeling responsible for the kids all the time. I bloody love the mornings DH is doing drop off and I just get to sort myself out and swan off. Ditto coming home on his pickup days to dinner on the table

In general, I love that he is totally able to look after the kids without me - I go away without the kids 2-3 times a year, to see friends, to weddings etc and I don't have to worry at all. I also just really enjoy a bit of time away from the kids

Our relationship is built on both being quite similar and having shared career goals.

But it's not evil or anything, just not my cup of tea. I don't know anyone in a relationship like yours either but I expect birds of a feather flock together.

Silverbirchleaf · 18/05/2026 20:02

I think it’s fine also. Surely you do what’s right for you, and feminism allows us choice, whether to work or to go the traditional route.

Manuiio · 18/05/2026 20:01

You're not being unreasonable if you're both happy, but things that came to mind...
What sort tof relationship do you all really even have with him if he's never there? How meaningful a relationship can you and the children even have with him?
Second was do you enjoy your work? In a 'traditional' set up as you call it you wouldn't be working at all. Fair enough if it's your hobby rather than your job, but really at that income and in the set up you aspire to your job should be the house and that's it.
I do think frankly with he spare bedroom and that income you could have a live in housekeeper/ nanny and have a much easier life. I just wonder if you've convinced yourself you're fine with doing everything to some extent? Cleaning a 5 bed house, running kids around, homework and bedtime, cooking, and doing a job yourself does sound like significant work.

GoodkneeBadKnee · 18/05/2026 20:01

Not sure.

Newyearawaits · 18/05/2026 19:59

You are in an extremely fortunate position OP. Your husband isn't getting away with anything, he is working and providing an excellent standard of living for you all.