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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

319 replies

powerforce · 18/05/2026 19:39

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

OP posts:
Ricecakes101 · 19/05/2026 08:08

Why the hell are you there at the loo with antibac and wipes??? Why the fuck isn't he doing it if he's the one with the problem ?? Wtaf

Feis123 · 19/05/2026 08:05

ImFinePMSL · 18/05/2026 23:35

The best part about being a teenager was hanging out with my mates every evening after school.

Your poor kids.

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Do you know what? I fully agree with you. That was the best part of my life too. I am so sorry my dc could not experience that. But this was my decision after the son of a good friend was stabbed to death, hanging out with friends.

Original poster
powerforce · 19/05/2026 08:01

Bellabun · 19/05/2026 06:27

So these boys have very lax parents despite being very young and a lot is aimless free time after school and over the weekends? this is a recipe for a LOT of serious trouble in a few years @powerforce .

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while I’d love to fix multi-generational poverty and unemployment, I don’t think I can! I also can’t afford to move to an affluent suburb where there is no receipe tor disaster (yes I’m being bit facetious here). Therefore my second best is to help my son feel he can bring friends home where it’s safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
powerforce · 19/05/2026 07:59

Bellabun · 19/05/2026 06:28

Definitely no drugs or alcohol because these boys are 12/13 (or even younger is first year of high school) NOW

But the way you describe these boys as having no parental involvement, very deprived and a school with no homework or clubs….In a few years…. OP you won’t be posting so lightheartedly

Edited
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Well if addiction issues develop that make it feel uncomfortable I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. But banning them from my home because their parents or family have a challenging time seems both harsh and cruel to both them and DS. I don’t want him out on the streets or in some of these flats so this feels safer. Also not sure where I’ve been blithely lighthearted over any serious issue here 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
powerforce · 19/05/2026 07:56

Bellabun · 19/05/2026 06:30

How old is your daughter?

how many of these boys are coming over?

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She is 15, not sure why it’s relevant? She is happy to see them, has her own friends over when she feels well enough (she has 1 or 2 close friends). On any given day I’d say between 1-4 boys pop by. Everyone lives near to each other so they just knock on the door (when younger they’d then play out on the street but they are bigger now.

OP posts:
Original poster
powerforce · 19/05/2026 07:54

Warmlight1 · 19/05/2026 07:04

Following on- have you got contact details for their parents for communication purposes?
You referred to one of them being in care - carers ought to know where he is at all times- it's an additional.issue when it's not their child-
Also assume you are there with your daughter. Older Kids have the whole spread of tendencies adults have
Completely support your approach and supervision and communication is key.

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one lad in the care of his 19 year old brother and I do have his wife’s contact number. The others, I don’t. Here it’s very unusual to have the contact details of the parents / guardians of high school friends unless you know them personally somehow which I don’t. The rest are either with a parent or a grandparent and I don’t have their numbers.

OP posts:
Warmlight1 · 19/05/2026 07:04

Smartiepants79 · 19/05/2026 06:18

Is there any chance you could chat to them about how important it is to keep the house clean for your DDs benefit. Ask if they could just be extra mindful about any mess? If they know that they’re helping to keep her well they might try a bit harder??

Following on- have you got contact details for their parents for communication purposes?
You referred to one of them being in care - carers ought to know where he is at all times- it's an additional.issue when it's not their child-
Also assume you are there with your daughter. Older Kids have the whole spread of tendencies adults have
Completely support your approach and supervision and communication is key.

Bellabun · 19/05/2026 06:50

bittertwisted · 19/05/2026 06:45

Why does it matter
give it a rest on the boy hate crusade

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Why does what matter?

a) it matters how old DD is. Why? Does she not ever want friends over? And you don’t think she might be embarrassed that her friends are faced with a toilet like that?

b) and asking how many boys over… you don’t think relevant if we are talking two boys or 12 boys over after school so often?

boy hate? Don’t be so daft. Mum of two boys here.

Motherofalittledragon · 19/05/2026 06:48

Your husband can’t stop his son having friends around just because he’s weird about them using the toilet, that’s just ridiculous

bittertwisted · 19/05/2026 06:45

Bellabun · 19/05/2026 06:30

How old is your daughter?

how many of these boys are coming over?

Show quote history

Why does it matter
give it a rest on the boy hate crusade

HowdoyoureallyKnow · 19/05/2026 06:44

Any extreme behaviour can badly impact a family whether that's extreme mess or extremely tidy or drugs or drink to extreme....hobbies to the extreme anything extreme religion and so on

His OCD is impacting family life and i don't think that's ok to foist on everyone to live with

If he can recognise this disorder and appreciation of the impact it has on others then it's easier all around to come to a compromise.

If he struggles with self reflection and impact and can't see others pov have you considered he may have sen?

Johnogroats · 19/05/2026 06:42

It makes me really happy when my boys have friends over. Both are now at uni and the house has been empty. One DS is back from a year abroad and said he hoped I wouldn’t mind but he’d told various mates they can stay at ours when they are in London. I’m keen to meet them and very happy to put random young men up occasionally. He’s also living at home for final year… I’m looking forward to it!

Good luck OP you sound lovely and have a lot more patience than me.

Bellabun · 19/05/2026 06:30

powerforce · 18/05/2026 22:57

My DD and I sometime laugh at what we call the “trainer graveyard” when we walk in the door and guess who is here by how big or smelly the trainer is (in a nice way, not a mean girl way!)

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How old is your daughter?

how many of these boys are coming over?

Bellabun · 19/05/2026 06:28

powerforce · 18/05/2026 21:18

Definitely no drugs or alcohol, I know some vape but they respect my request not to do so in the house. Yes they leave smelly trainers and giant puffy coats in the hall but they take their shoes off and always say hello and thank you and tell me what’s been going on at school so it all feels respectful and selfishly I like knowing my son is comfortable enough to bring them here.

Definitely no drugs or alcohol because these boys are 12/13 (or even younger is first year of high school) NOW

But the way you describe these boys as having no parental involvement, very deprived and a school with no homework or clubs….In a few years…. OP you won’t be posting so lightheartedly

Bellabun · 19/05/2026 06:27

powerforce · 18/05/2026 22:49

Exactly why I’d rather my DS was here with them and safe, not out on the streets or in some
of their homes. Many come from very challenging backgrounds and through no fault of their own have little supervision or rules or curfews.

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So these boys have very lax parents despite being very young and a lot is aimless free time after school and over the weekends? this is a recipe for a LOT of serious trouble in a few years @powerforce .

Smartiepants79 · 19/05/2026 06:18

Is there any chance you could chat to them about how important it is to keep the house clean for your DDs benefit. Ask if they could just be extra mindful about any mess? If they know that they’re helping to keep her well they might try a bit harder??

Warmlight1 · 19/05/2026 06:13

Completely agree with having them at home. rather than roaming round.
I can see you've a challenge there. I think your priorities are right there's no easy answer to your DHS condition.

mathanxiety · 19/05/2026 05:09

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2026 00:26

Surely he has as much say as you though?

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Why would someone's opinion that comes from a place that is separated from reality carry weight?

If he decided aliens were communicating with the OP via the family TV, would it be fine to cover it up with tin foil and forbid the family from watching it?

marathebest · 19/05/2026 04:22

familyissues12345 · 18/05/2026 20:48

Yes exactly this! I loved having DS’s mates round, it felt lovely that they saw our house as somewhere they were comfortable

Now all early 20’s and I miss those days!

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They come back! About mid 20's they start realising having parties at home is much cheaper than going out, mine would set up the poker table and they would all have a great night. They clean up too!. Once they get their own places it tails off again. I miss the parties and gatherings but we moved away so can't blame the DC.

Mt563 · 19/05/2026 02:50

Could you ring fence a few days they don't come over? The your husband knows there are a few nights he'll come home to his home as he wants it. Whilst still letting your son and his friends have their time too.

If your husband is quite rigid in his ways generally, it may be the uncertainty of never knowing what he's coming home to that's not helping either.

Original poster
powerforce · 19/05/2026 01:12

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2026 00:26

Surely he has as much say as you though?

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I think his feelings are just as valid, but when it comes to decisions that affect the whole household and are based on his obsession with cleanliness and order, it Becomes less clear to me if his preference should carry as much weight. Hence why I asked the question. I now feel the answer is in face no, he shouldn’t have as much say, mainly because this thread has shows me he’s not just being unreasonable, he’s actively being harmful to DS if he stops friends coming over due to their use of the loo.

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 19/05/2026 00:51

Coldiron · 18/05/2026 19:43

Your husband needs to go for therapy if his ocd is stopping your ds having friends round

This

abracadabra1980 · 19/05/2026 00:38

I can't believe what I read on here at times. How does your husband expect this behaviour will affect his children? Extremely odd at best; he needs therapy.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2026 00:28

Nihongo · 18/05/2026 20:26

I’m sorry but if your husband wants a quiet clean house he should go live by himself.

If you live with other people, you have to expect a certain level of noise and mess - he needs to compromise.

His anxiety should not be dictating how everyone else in the house lives.

He may think the same if it stresses him out this much

caringcarer · 19/05/2026 00:27

I couldn't put up with a DH like yours. He must make your DH feel terrible all the time just for wanting friends around.