To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

is that how you translate making an effort for your partner? them being controlling?

wow. Lucky them.

Effort should come from you, that's what you spectacularly miss,

Do you call your children controlling if you make an effort for their school evenings/ graduation etc? Or even jsut have a shower 😂

Musty IS grim. Clean is fine

But swap the genders in your third paragraph and do you genuinely not think people on MN would react negatively to a man saying sex with his wife is a chore nowadays because she isn’t making the effort to look nice that she used to? And underneath he thinks she would like it if he found her more attractive?

Because if a man told his wife she didn’t dress in an acceptable way or had put weight on he would be destroyed on here!

Im no expert but I think in a relationship it’s nice to accept someone for what they are

Nope to musty, I have also intervened with musty- just seized the clothes, put them on a hot wash, followed by immediate drying (and some Dettol laundry cleaner). Thereafter, their usual washing practices are ok.

I don't go out with musty smelling, dirty or unkempt partners, that reflects badly on me. I don't need them to be fashionable, just not unpleasant for others to look at, this is such a low standard I can't believe anything could be otherwise.

I'm honest about musty/dirty clothes, and just say, that's disgusting, I'm not going out with you in that and that seems to solve the problem!

How very shallow. You wouldn’t be attracted to him unless he dressed in a way that you found exciting? Although I suppose it’s okay if you are both like it.

My DH is like this. His clothes are clean, he has excellent hygiene, neat nails, regular hair cuts but he just does not give a shit what he looks like. He won’t wear anything I buy. He doesn’t care what colours go together. He very rarely has to wear anything other than jeans and a tshirt so after 17 years now I just let him crack on.

In a way I’m jealous that he doesn’t care what other people think of his appearance.

It also means that I can refuse to take any feedback on my own sartorial choices from him.

In a marriage it’s nice to care about your appearance for your partner. To keep a spark of attraction alive in a marriage it’s an intelligent thing to do. Boring but true. To keep a marriage alive it has to worked at. To get complacent and wear rotten baggy joggers is not attractive. Most men wouldn’t want their wives looking like a sack of spuds so why isn’t it ok for a wife to care?

It’s damaging to a relationship when one partner tries to control the other partner.

And what about men who aren’t attracted to their wives once they have had kids etc? Is that okay?

See, if my partner was wearing dirty, stained clothing which was unclean, I simply wouldn't go out with them, not out of the house, I'd say why as well.

The OP is in a different place though, her man is wearing clean clothes, presumably ok fitting but just boring and not notable.

I might buy them a few pieces and see if they wear them but ultimately clean and boring is a low but acceptable standard, dirty clothes or hair wouldn't be ok for me and I wouldn't want to appear outside with anyone in those. That's the standard in our house and I'm ok with it!

What made him stop? You said he dressed up nicely at the beginning but not anymore.
Why?

I hear you. My DH is a stylish dresser and it is a thing that I find very attractive. If he suddenly started dressing in a style I found boring or dull there is no way I would him attractive. He is the same about me though, we both take pride in our appearance for each other.

But people don’t get to control what others wear, it IS shallow to make it about yourself.

Outside of being clean then you don’t get to make him responsible for your own feelings.

I think a couple should both want to make effort for each other, without controlling the other.

It's clear from the many conversations you and he have already had that he does not want to dress the way you want him to dress. It also sounds like he dresses perfectly "appropriately" but just not in as exciting and fashionable manner as you would like. Thus, even though you seem perfectly nice otherwise, you are being quite superficial and controlling. It's fine to offer to buy him a couple of pieces that he might like from vinted, or gift him a jumper he and you might both like, but if he turns this down/doesn't wear the gift as it sounds like he has you need to move on fast and get over it.

No we don't. Not all of us.

I think it's naive to pretend someone would be as attracted by their partner who doesn't make any effort, as they were when they first met.

People change, but it's the attitude.

Many women would not remotely be attracted by a man who let himself go and look nothing like he used to. Sexual attraction need a minimum effort in the long term, or you end up with women who find sex a chore because their husband is nowhere near what he used to be and is making no effort.

Don't get me wrong, as long as they are not MY partner, I couldn't care less ,but I read every day about women (or men) with no sex drive whatsoever. (which magically comes back when they start a new relationship)

So is he buying clothes that look worn?

I have clothes from charity shops & you wouldn't know.

Are you quoting people in your posts? There is a quote button which makes posts clearer.

I know you expect him to dress a certain way to make you feel good but he clearly dresses in a way that he’s comfortable. Why is your idea of what
he should wear more important than his?

Why is policing your partner’s wardrobe something that is seen as okay if a woman does it but abusive if it’s a man?

I wish I could relate. My DH always looks like he stepped out of a GQ magazine (he sometimes wears a uniform for work) and I usually look like I have never even seen a fashion magazine at the chemist.

Put off? No, definitely not. But perhaps naively I would hope that he found his wife as attractive now as on the day they met, even if she didn’t take the same care with the clothes she wore.

Or at least I would expect him to suffer the consequences if he said otherwise on here.

And if he expected you to dress a certain way because ‘he really valued it’, would you do so? You are being extremely controlling. I grew up around someone who was obsessed with what people wore and it’s bloody exhausting.

Clothes aren’t important to a lot of people, in fact it can be seen as rather shallow, so long as he’s clean then it’s all good. Unless it is of such high importance that it’s a dealbreaker, in which case you should probably consider trading him in, just make sure his replacement is aware of the dress code.

You can suggest it but if he isn’t interested I don’t think there is anything you can do. My DH dresses more casually than me - sometimes I think he looks like a bit of a scuff (clean and smells nice but clothes don’t go). I don’t care though - I am only bothered by myself.