To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

Absolutely this, wonder if the dh said he was now really into steampunk or grunge and to make him happy he would like her to dress in that style, as that’s what he finds best… would she do that?

7 ‘I’s

You need to accept not sharing an interest in clothes and fashion and accept him as he is.

That’s because you are a good partner!

I said upthread that dirty or smelly isn’t the same thing as not wearing what your wife insists you wear.

So if a man would get attacked on here, why is it okay for a woman to do it

Op has been clear it’s not about hygiene. It’s aesthetics

I love clothes. Result is I have far too many of them and have spent far too much money. DP is on the other hand a purely functional dresser. Clothes are comfy or warm or suitable for some practical activity or sport. I used to buy him things I would have liked him to wear but he never wore them. So I stopped. He is completely comfortable in himself and that's fine as far as I am concerned.

Why should he wear what the OP chooses if it’s not his thing? He’s an adult and doesn’t need his mummy buying his clothes for him.

So you accept a partner just as they are? Some don’t wash, or brush their teeth. Pick their nose openly?
there are limits. And it’s ok to expect your partner to make an effort.
re your point about men - yes he would get attacked on here. You’re right.

Incredible

can you imagine the post by a husband who wanted his wife to dress a certain way because he “liked looking at nice things”

First of all it’s not an argument it’s my personal opinion and secondly, if you read what I wrote properly in the very quote you picked out; I said I prefer those with lovely personalities over those who ONLY dress the part - nowhere did I say people can’t have both because that’s just common sense.

In the case of where people do have both, it would still be their personality that would draw me to them as I couldn’t care less about someones style and I’m certainly not going to think better or worse of them based on how stylish their clothes are whereas OP has said several times that people should dress for others and I disagree.

I think in these situations the wife just buys the clothes for the husband. IMO, it probably isn't that he chooses to dress like that , rather he can't be bothered to make an effort. There is a difference.
I don't think you're at all unreasonable to feel as you do. It's not the same at all as a husband telling his wife what to wear, because he's just not bothering.
Would you both be happy if you did his shopping?

I agree with you and sympathise! I don’t think you are controlling, he made an effort when you met so established a standard.
My OH wears very old, moth eaten, worn clothes at home but does now have a choice of smart “going out” clothes.
We selected most of them together from Crew Clothing as he thinks M&S is for old blokes (despite being one himself!) and this was a big part of his resistance.
CC have a good range and also short., medium and long length in trousers and he always finds something from the sale offer range. We order a few things for home delivery and if he doesn’t like it or it doesn’t fit, easy to return.
He wears them when we go out out, as well as a nice spray. He feels good when we go out now, but it’s taken a while for him to accept that he’s worthy to have something nice to wear. He isn’t tight and encourages me to buy what I want.
He will accept it as a birthday gift so that’s a win too.
Hope you can resolve this!

You know that people leave because their partner is controlling too?

Someone upthread said to try and flatter him to make him do it but that brings to mind a parent applauding their toddler for shitting in the toilet.

I’m that guy - except I wasn’t a smart dresser when I met my partner. I am far more comfortable in t shirts and shorts or joggers. Probably spending my whole working life in a suit contributes to that although I’ve never been interested in clothes

Always clean both me and the clothes. On holiday we go to restaurants with a smart casual dress code and obviously, I follow that but my partner enjoys that much more than I do

I feel constricted…

We enjoy our time together (we live separately) and we laugh and have fun - which is the most important thing for both of us

I might express myself badly, apologies

but of course my point stands for both. I have no sympathy for women who let themselves go and complain their husband ran away, anymore than I have sympathy for men whose wife divorce them when they find someone who care enough to make an effort too.

Again, men or women, same thing.

But on MN there are more resentment towards men going to the gym too often (and behaving like stinky teenagers at home)
and more scream of "fat shaming" when women talk about keeping their silhouette even after having children 😂(back in the real world, there are as many men as women in the gym)

I’m only up to here but every single one of your posts has been about you and what you want. You don’t seem to have considered at all what he wants. You want him to dress smart cos it’s important to you? How about you dress comfy and stop going on about it as that’s important to him?

Yup. Been doing this for 35 years.

good luck to them if they are so keen on making 0 effort 😂

Fair enough, though I think it is telling that while you say it works both ways, all of the examples in your messages are about men letting themselves go and women finding them less attractive, and never the other way around. Do you really find that equally understandable/acceptable?

If the thing you were attracted by and is still of vital importance is something so shallow, it’s not much of a relationship.

By the same token, I don’t blame people who look elsewhere if they feel their partner isnt interested in them due to something so shallow.

but you were attracted by what they are when you got together.

It's when they change and are becoming someone different that you can't expect the same interest. You both age, you both change ,but you can still make effort.

I can't imagine being with a man saying "oh that's good enough for my wife, who cares". That would be grim, .

Oh I know it's MN, and men are WRONG always, and women are RIGHT always.

My personal point is valid for both, either, and in same-sex couple too.

But I cannot blame a man or woman to find sex a chore when the other one makes no effort - physically, or generally. Can't blame women to have no sexual interest for someone when they have to pick up their dirty socks .. or for one to not be attracted by someone who let themselves go.

He IS expressing himself though. That's how he feels about clothes. He buys second hand so helping both charities and the environment on top of that.

He is clean and wears t-shirt and jeans, not hole-y old joggers with food stains down them that haven't been washed for a week.

You say you're arty but you don't come across like that at all. You want people to look how you want them too, not how they want to so you've no appreciation for differences or true self expression.

I guess you could just divorce him and meet someone that will dress as you want them to. LTB.