To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

He is expressing himself in how he dresses. You don’t want him to express himself in how he dresses. You want him to express your wishes in how he dresses. That is controlling of you.

So you recognise that people have different priorities but then say why doesn’t he prioritise the same things you and you’re son in law prioritise?

Unless he's wearing ripped jeans and a t shirt to a black tie event you are being completely unreasonable and by the sounds of it controlling and superficial.

Your DH is wearing what he feels comfortable in. Your saying the equivalent of a man saying go put a pretty dress on because I want it regardless of how that makes them feel.

Making an effort is one thing if it’s his choice.

Trying to trick your partner into doing what you want is not the same thing.

I remember one of the shitty puzzle magazines used to have a section called ‘Aren’t Men Daft’ where women would laugh about those silly men.

I just think as adults people can have their say to their partner but if their partner chooses not to do what they want then the person needs to shut up.

if it’s that much of a big deal that you can’t get past it, do your partner a favour and find someone with similar sartorial tastes.

If it isn’t that much of a big deal then suck it up - I’m sure there are plenty of things they would change about you.

I hear you OP. When I met my DH we both worked in the city and he wore gorgeous suits, shirts and silk ties. When Covid and WFH arrived he discovered fleecy joggers and the beardy look and now I have to put up with his meat and two veg bobbing around and being kissed by a gorilla ☹️

Fairly intense from the sound of it - she likens it to being given flowers

and that's litterally the only thing you get from that?

Making the occasional effort for a partner can only be because they are "controlling" 😂

I said YANBU but then read the other replies. I grew up in a home where clothes weren’t much of a thing. I still think it’s nice to make an effort for the other person, (though I’m aware I don’t know what level you’re talking about!)

Make it a game? Seriously!

You all talk like you are trying to get a recalcitrant toddler in line. Making a game of it, sneaking clothes in, flattering him. It’s sly and it’s manipulative so that you can make them do what you want.

OP you have had your say to him. He says he will do it so that you stop wanging on about it. If you want to pick at him then carry on. You never know. He might eventually give in and you would be happy then. He wouldn’t necessarily be but hey ho.

We don’t know how old OP is but I would hazard a guess that they met when rather younger than they are now. Fashion and clothes are often important to the young and interest declines markedly with age. For women just as much as for men. There’s nothing wrong with this - interests change as you age. I am now about as interested in fashion as I am in Barbie dolls. I got older and my interests changed.

Some people retain an interest in clothes throughout their lives but most don’t. And that’s fine.

Well to be fair it IS shallow. It’s fine if you are interested in clothes for yourself.

I don’t get why you would judge someone’s value by what they wear. It’s bizarre. It doesn’t take account of someone’s intelligence, sense of humour, personality and loyalty.

But then I’m good at assessing personality very quickly and I rarely notice or care what people are wearing (and honestly I can’t remember what I wore the day before) unless they happen to he wearing the one texture I’m phobic about.

There are so many more important things to fill your brain with than what other people wear. It doesn’t affect you so why bother?

@Boomboomi I AM BEGGING YOU TO LEARN HOW TO USE THE QUOTE FUNCTION

Ok... Would he (and you) appreciate a natural scent like some cedarwood essential oil? Maybe you could look up a recipe and put it into a little spray or rollerball as a little gift.
Another idea: make it a game: go shopping together, set a budget and buy something for the other person to wear that evening? Even if it's charity shop and hideous you can have a laugh (in a different town!), and perhaps get him out of his comfort zone or later suggest a more upmarket version of whatever you've picked would be nice for another day...
In relationship terms it's about making the effort to be attractive for the other person in little ways, at least some of the time, which is what you should be able to expect. Hounding him into it however, is the opposite of attractive so please be careful.

^this
I'm also a visual person, so how someone looks is part and parcel of how attractive I find them (not everything, by any means - it's the whole package). The fact the OP 's husband used to and now doesn't feels to her like he's less bothered by her. It annoys me that style/fashion can be seen as shallow in this country.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta you’re not getting it. It’s not about ‘decrees’. That’s what Emperors do. This is about arrangements to get along together happily.
Why does it bother you so much that couples have such arrangements?

This example illustrates the point you are missing - he's a human being, not a possession.

I love art, architecture, sculpture, flowers, a beautiful piece of music or prose…I couldn’t care less about clothes, either mine or my husband’s. I don’t understand the value people place on it. If my DH chose to make that a sticking point, he wouldn’t be my ‘D’H anymore. I feel really sorry for your husband.

I said why in post. He possibly just can’t be bothered. If she chooses his clothes, they can both be happy.
That’s a perfectly normal marital arrangement. Nothing whatsoever to do with being his Mummy. It’s about cooperation . That’s what adults aim to do. Children have Mummies.

I hope your husband has a thick skin and isn't taking your shallow, unkind, judgmental, controlling opinions (including 'unspoken' expression of) too much to heart.

So you love his personality as long as he dresses how you decree?

It is all so shallow.

There are some messed up women on here.

Oh please don’t do this. It’s manipulative. Just leave the poor man alone to wear what he wants. If someone’s dress sense is that important to their spouse, then they need to examine the relationship.

And if she loved me she would do it because she knows what I value.

“I value my wife wearing make up and dressing to look sexy. I like to look at nice things. Yet she won’t make any effort to look like I want her to. AIBU?”

@Boomboomi could you try introducing some bits by stealth, like you “find some amazing gems in a charity shop” when you go to a different town alone buy new and cut the tags off?

The Vinted capsule wardrobe project a PP suggested is a good idea too - I do this with DH who hates shopping but likes to look good. He lets me know if an item is getting old and tatty, then I use the ‘favourite’ function to make a long list of options for replacements. He chooses what he wants, knows it’s secondhand and a relative bargain, and the element of limited edited choice works well.

Edited to add that DH is comfortable in his own skin and I love him regardless. He CBA to buy clothes himself and I like to use Vinted, so this works for us

How shallow is this shit?

If you actually love your husband, rather than seeing him as some sort of accessory, leave him alone to be himself without constant criticism.

Someone doing things to make their partner happy is one thing, but being expected to change their appearance to suit their other half's idea of sartorial elegance is quite another.

You sound extremely controlling OP and frankly exhausting to be around.