To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

Rather than put your partner’s clothes in the wash? There are many, many conversations and negotiations first surely? I’ll try washing the trousers before buying my own house.

Then you leave. It’s simple.

Lack of self expression? He is expressing himself , you want to impose your taste.

Well perhaps the t shits are a bit harsh but no way am I going anywhere with a partner in food stained clothes.

’I know it’s controlling but..’

Wow. Just wow.

It's in some ways the opposite of superficial. You're complaining about something deeply personal to him that doesn't affect anybody else. (Unless you're going to say he's wearing clothes infested with cat hair/smell from a charity shop and you're allergic to cats or something).This isn't the same as wanting a partner to buy you flowers rather than chocolates or similar. He has his style and trying to change it is wrong even though it's not something you like.

Grab them. Stuff them in the wash. Yes, I know it's controlling but I don't want to live with someone wearing their dinner. Ripped or manky t shirts. Bin them.

My Husband wears clothes that are dirty, paint stained, rips, dog hair all other then and just doesn’t care despite me telling him I want him to make a little bit of effort.

I wish I could complain about ‘plain, boring clothes. I think you should probably count yourself lucky as it could be worse 😔

If your marriage requires substantial compromise then you've married the wrong person.

Or as many would call it ‘deciding that your spouse needs to dress how YOU want’.

Like I said, if it’s a deal breaker then walk away.

Dont stay just to complain.

I think some posters here who think Op is being ‘controlling’ etc. have either forgotten or don’t realise for whatever reason that long term relationships require substantial compromises on both sides, often more far reaching than the fairly minor adaptation of considering your spouse’s feelings about your personal presentation!

Tbf he has listened to your opinions, presumably. But he has chosen not to do what you want him to do

This post won't go down well on here but I'm totally with you OP.

my husband doesn't make any effort whatsoever. It's not a money thing, it's because he has no interest in what's fashionable, he dresses purely for comfort. When I ask him to wear something appropriate (like if it's a wedding or special occasion) he wears something even worse just to spite me. I stopped doing this a long time ago. I find it so saddening, if he asked me to do something for him, I would at least try to listen to his opinions on it. And by the way he does comment on some of my clothes and if I know he doesn't like them then it does affect if I wear them when with him!

I've got to the point where I find it such an ick. When I come across well dressed men who have made an effort to with their appearance I feel a stab of what I'm missing.

I know I'll be called superficial and controlling etc but ok then maybe I am. I'm just letting you know you're not alone x

I am fairly sure I just did.

There is nothing ‘going on’, I just think that to expect someone to change something like that after you have told them once is a bit off.

I just think the advice on here is concerning.

@Boomboomi - if you buy clothes for your dh, does he wear them, or would they get relegated to the back of the wardrobe, behind his charity shop finds?

If he would wear your purchases, I would say you should gradually add some things of your choice to his wardrobe - you say he doesn’t like shopping for clothes (buying two of something, to put off having to shop for clothes), so maybe he would just start wearing the clothes you buy.

But do try to work with his sense of style and colour preferences - ease him into newer things rather than giving him complete culture shock.

DH won't spend money on clothes and has got such a sparse wardrobe. When he does buy something he'll spend good money like he's got 2 pairs of jeans on the go that were £150 each.... but they've been washed so often they're no longer black but murky grey. I've asked him repeatedly to order another pair. I hate going out as he may be clean and smell nice but he looks like he ram raided a charity shop bin.

If it was a general comment, not aimed at OP, I think you should make this clear, since it reads to me as quite personal.
If you really do go around saying things like this to people’s faces, I would think there’s much more to the situation.
It doesn’t justify making comments like this online, especially as I think you’ve totally misunderstood the situation, believing it to be about control. It isn’t as shown by the very fact of OPposting in order to receive advice and opinions, ie she’s open minded.

Why does everyone respond with such extreme examples on here? Has common sense left the room?

No of course you don’t have to renounce your principles to please your husband. Of course not.

What I am suggesting though, that in a long relationship, it is sometimes nice to compromise and do something for your other half that you wouldn’t particularly choose to do for yourself, just to please them. And vice versa? What is really so unreasonable about that?

I watch football with my husband on tv sometimes because he enjoys that. And he sometimes watches my sport of interest with me even though he has very little interest in it.

Sometimes he orders in my favourite Thai food when he would prefer a pizza. It’s those sort of little things you do each day for one another that keeps a relationship going,

Have we become so wrapped up in our freedom to do what we want 100 per cent of the time that we can’t make occasional comprises for the people we love most in the world?

It’s important to live your life authentically as yourself but if you want to make no compromises at all then stay single would be my advice!

I think the mistake is in thinking the same thing is going on as what a man would be crucified for.
The first difference is that he would have to have said sentiment (1) to be crucified.
There is no evidence OP has said to her husband ‘You’ve really let yourself go and now you’ve put weight on, I’m no longer attracted to you. Can’t you wear more attractive clothes?’
She’s thinking out what’s right and that’s a second crucial difference.
I think there are other differences, too.

I don’t know what assumptions you’ve in mind. I do try to be careful not to make assumptions,

Is your husband a good man? Is he kind? Is he a good father? Is he honest and trustworthy?

I would consider all of these more worthy qualities than wearing the right clothes. As many other people have said, if a man behaved like this towards a woman, it would be seen as a red flag and controlling.

I used the word ‘considered’ actually; not ‘detailed’!

Please read my post properly.

For example if he said; “look, I’m sorry, I know you used to love it when I used to dress up but I have limited time and energy nowadays and it just isn’t something that interests me anymore, it doesn’t mean I love you any less”

That to me would qualify as a considered explanation and one I’m sure that op would feel ok about.

There are a lot of assumptions in your post. I am certainly not young. I have experienced plenty of shit in my life.

I still maintain that a man doing this would be crucified on here.

People change. You either accept that or you go - it’s as simple as that

Yes I have. And yes I have said it to someone’s face.

And I wasnt directly referencing the OP in that comment. It was a general one after seeing the lengths women will go to to get their husbands to do what they want.

Really! This is way OTT!
Clearly you don’t agree with OP but honestly I find this reaction to a perfectly harmless post absolutely ridiculous.
You may not realise this, but conversations on this topic are commonplace among wom women who’ve been married for years and they and their husbands are perfectly decent folk.
I assume you wouldn’t say this to someone’s face. I , for one, don’t believe anonymity gives you the right to insult.
Have you ever been on the receiving end end of this type of of comment @LiviaDrusillaAugusta ? Are you aware what it feels like to like?

@ThisCandidMintGoose
I agree with you. It looks like you have bothered to read the OP properly.
What the OP is NOT saying is ‘
Hee, hee, I want to force my DH to wear my stupid choice of clothes against his will. Can you help me trick him into doing what I want , not what he wants?’
What she IS saying is
’Years ago my DH used to make an effort with his appearance. Now he doesn’t bother. This change in his behaviour upsets me ‘cos it seems like he no longer cares and he knows I mind about this. . I do bother myself because I know this gives him pleasure and because I love fabric and visual things in general.
AIBU to wish he would change?’

I don’t understand why the majority have replied as though OP wrote the first one.
I wonder whether it’s an age thing and posters respond as if the post were about someone in their own situation, who is young and hasn’t had time to experience hurtful behaviour change over time , so ignore this crucial aspect.