To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

I find the term coercive a little extreme!

I also find today’s obsession with being “your authentic self” and never compromising for the sake of your other half to be a little sad.

Good marriages are built on compromise. Agreeing to eat fish on Fridays when you really want to eat pizza. Agreeing to watch a period drama when you would prefer to watch a thriller. Saying yes to going hiking when you wanted to stay at home for a picnic. And yes, making the effort to dress up on three or four occasions a year to take your wife out, allowing her the opportunity to dress up too, very much falls in to that category,

As long as both parties are compromising equally, then I don’t see why this is such a bad thing to do, and I say that as someone who has been married for over thirty years.

it’s not something that is going to do the husband bodily harm fhs; it just means he has to make a bit of effort! And unless he is a member of Hari Krishna or something, I doubt wearing decent trousers and a carefully chosen shirt occasionally is going to compromise any long held principle of his.

It’´s about forgetting what you want occasionally to make the other person feel happy, which in turn should make you feel happy! It’s about flexibility and selflessness in other words.

Unfortunately the message being continually broadcast today, on social media and elsewhere, and it starts very young in school, is that we should all be self-fulfilled, self-confident, self-aware, self-loving, with healthy boundaries, and of course all of those things are important, unfortunately it completely bypasses the fact that we are social animals who need to rub along with others in the playground and in the workplace, romantically, and when parenting children.

Also, there is such a thing as becoming too comfortable in a marriage or long-term relationship and falling in to a rut,

Honestly I know so many divorced couples who have lost weight, started going to the gym, started paying more attention to what they wear etc. And I meet both of them separately in the pub or the supermarket or wherever and compliment them and tell them they look great! And of course you never know what goes on between two people, but sometimes I wonder why they couldn’t have made that effort for each other when they were together.

She would be told to leave, as usual the foible standard is alive and well

No he does not need to be controlled like that and yes it is not understandable when a woman does it biut controlling if its a man, it is controlling regardless

Omg op if I was married to you I would hate it!

For me clothes are about function and comfort. I'm guessing your husband is happy in a tee-shirt & jeans or whatever & you'd him to be dressier & more fashionable. Boak.

He doesn't have to dress up for you or anyone. He's not a doll.

It’s coercive. She knows he doesn’t want them.

I married my husband knowing his sense of style was somewhat dated. He’s evolved some over the years. But he sometimes makes choices that make me cringe. I may make a remark about certain items once. He isn’t always appreciative of my style either. He comments, I consider what he’s said, and do what I want. For about 12 years he shaved his hair into a buzz cut. He did a terrible job of it and I HATED the way it LOOKED. But it’s his head and he liked it, so, whatever. He’s grown it out since. But not for me. I’d be very pleased if he dressed better, but he’s clean, tidy, unwrinkled, and doesn’t stand out as inappropriate. He looks like someone’s dad. Which he is. You have to choose your battles. I think OP might LIKE her husband to be more dapper, but would ultimately be happier if she focused on her husband’s good qualities while still enjoying fashion for herself.

I could be way off here, but this sounds a lot like men who complain that their wives have put on weight and they’re not attracted to them anymore. “I’ve told her how I feel. I’ve told her that if she loses X stone, I’ll buy her new clothes. It can’t be that hard, why doesn’t she DO something?”

I would NOT find that motivational, would you?

I don't think its unreasonable. It's hard to be attracted to someone looking like Gollum. Men can be pretty lazy in this regard and women are STILL in 2024 expected to meet beauty standards. There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to look better, but all you can do is ask. What's concerning is he doesn't care to look good for you. So frustrating that women are expected tp take what we can get and men expect us to be presentable.

What my husband wears is totally up to him. As long as i have know him he has mostly worn trackie bums or shorts and tshirt/hoodie. He scrubs up really well and when he makes the effort in a suit or even jeans he can look amazing but i would rather he is comfortable than worrying about how he looks all the time.

Covert metrosexual

Ok, as I said the T shit thing was a bit extreme and I plead guilty to that. I do wonder about a relationship where you can’t talk to your partner about how revolting food stained clothes are. Or indeed, help them on their way to the wash.

I'm just waiting for the thread: "AIBU that my DH is hugely into fashion and is spending so much time and money on clothes - I'm not actually that bothered about clothes myself, but it takes up so much space to store them all and is a hefty part of our family disposable income?"

My would walk around looking like a hobo if he was left to his own devices. But I buy him clothes him looking good it’s important to me. Nothing social, 501s, decent quality T-shirts and a casual shirt or two. Linen trousers for holiday. A decent summer and winter suit. A few nice pairs of trainers and shoes. But most of his wardrobe is well worn and faded comfort clothing. I buy him nice bits as He reflects on me when we are out ( as I do him) .He happily wears what I buy him but would never dream of buying new clothes until his favourite old joggers and T-shirt have more holes than fabric. But he has many more redeeming qualities than having very little interested in clothes.

More importantly is he the same person as he was? Books and covers come to mind here.

Except don’t buy him clothes as that isn’t loving him for who he is.

Then when I suggested she leave if it’s a dealbreaker I apparently had an agenda

Because unless you know they want them, clothes are a crap present because it’s for your benefit. See also men who buy their wives crappy lingerie because it makes the man horny even though the wife wouldn’t wear it.

If your spouse is not prepared to dress up a bit on say three or four occasions a year when he knows it’s important to you, then you’ve married the wrong person!

Men who’s wives totally let themselves go are often forgiven by society for leaving for a woman who takes pride in her appearance

Like I said, the idea is that they find a way of compromising!
It's not exactly a very difficult subject to compromise on.

I am asking you to educate me on what you would suggest which doesn’t include making him wear stuff he doesn’t want to wear? I am curious to know how this would pan out when two people are on completing opposing sides of an issue.

You can’t force or persuade someone.

How would you manage it (without resorting to the underhand methods suggested on here)? Is there a solution?

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta , would yousay you have rather a black and white view of the world?

As for why, because he doesn’t want to is perfectly valid.

OP wants to know what to do about him not being prepared to do what she tells him she wants. Without manipulation, what can she do? He clearly has put his foot down and isn’t prepared to do what she wants.

Any suggestions seem to include options to hide/destroy his clothes, give him excess flattery when he wears something she approves of, make it into some kind of childish game or buy him clothes he doesn’t want.

What she should perhaps be thinking is how can she get over it? If she can’t then is it a dealbreaker.

Compromises don’t actually work because they either benefit one party or neither.

Wth? This sounds very controlling, he is not a child and has the right to dress however he wants. I cannot wrap my head around people wanting to dictate or being willing to dictate how their partner dresses. I rarely dress down I almost always wear a dress or jeans and a smart jacket but I dont care what my partner wears - if theyre comfortable in joggers or a hoody or a suit and tie - whatever. Imagine if he started telling you to tone it down - how would you feel about that? If your happiness comes from what someone else wears you have issues

Yes, it's a problem, isn't it? Usually, couples aim to compromise but OP's DH hasn't done so, so far. She's wondering why this is and what she can reasonably do about it.
Unfortunately, the post was hijacked by people with an agenda IMO