To wish my dh understood why I would like him to make an effort more with his clothes? Or explain it to me ?

It actually can be. Does he never notice that you've stolen his clothes? What do/would you say If he asked if you'd seen one of his garments - would you admit that you threw it away, because you didn't want it; or woukd you lie/gaslight him about it?

How would you feel if he did the same to you and binned/charity-shopped your clothes? What if he binned all of your bras to create more clothes storage space, reckoning that they're no use to him, so absolutely no point in keeping them?

Back in the bad old days, wives sorted it by quietly losing/destroying/donating their husband's awful clothes and accompanying them on clothes shopping trips. At least my mother did........🤣

My DIL buys my son’s clothes. Up until now I didn’t think anything of it.

I’m not here to hijack op thread. My marriage is absolutely fine and I’m not abusive in the slightest it’s ridiculous to even suggest that. We are both happy.

It is.
you need to have a little think about it.

Rather than hurt his feelings I’ve just made a few t shirts and a pair of trousers disappear other the last few years. Hardly abusive.

Rather than hurt his feelings I’ve just made a few t shirts and a pair of trousers disappear other the last few years. Hardly abusive.

Rather than hurt his feelings I’ve just made a few t shirts and a pair of trousers disappear other the last few years. Hardly abusive.

Wow. It just gets better.

He does his own washing apparently

Rather than hurt his feelings I’ve just made a few t shirts and a pair of trousers disappear other the last few years. Hardly abusive.

Thats horrible, borderline abusive and you should really have a think about how controlling that it…

OP hasn't; but people on this thread are recommending similar - and it's a common trope to 'accidentally shrink' or just bin his clothes, if you don't like them.

Other than vocalising his thoughts - especially if she's wearing dirty clothes, I think the opposite scenario including going out shopping 'for' her that you suggest would indeed be seen as controlling and unacceptable by most people. In fact, it's a common thing for controlling men to do: to start telling their wives what to wear and insisting on buying her clothes himself, as he supposedly has a much better idea of what she should wear than she does herself.

Yes but OP hasn’t DONE any of that. She’s just saying that she finds his lack of interest in her FEELINGS hurtful and, according to go some posters, this is being controlling.🤔

Regarding your example :
Let’s say a woman is going out without any thought of her appearance, old, dirty clothes that don’t fit, clashing colours and genuinely looks a sight. DH finds out what size she is, thinks carefully about what colours suit her, what her taste was like when she bothered; then he trails round the shops, finds some clothes he thinks would look nice, buys a selection, and introduces them to her at a quiet moment, asking her whether she would like to pick out something to wear when they go to the cinema next week. She can then accept reject them.
Would this be controlling behaviour?
No, I don’t think so!
You are not comparing like with like.

I completely agree in cases where your authentic self isn’t really very nice - if you're selfish, greedy, abusive etc.... but just preferring to wear one kind of clothes instead of what somebody else prefers for you has nothing whatsoever to do with this.

There isn't actually any 'problem' to be solved. How would you react if a husband told his wife that she didn't look attractive enough for him without enough/his preference of makeup... so as she was too lazy to understand the problem and do anything about it, he saw no alternative but to go out and buy the items that he believed she needed - and maybe even throw out any wrong products that she had previously chosen?

I heartily agree with this post. What’s that saying about how common sense is far from common?

IMO the problem with being your ‘authentic self ‘ is that it overlooks the issue of , what if your authentic self isn’t really very nice?
One of the things about marriage is that it encourages you to address your weaker spots for the sake of your partner.
Like here, the husband is quite honestly lazy about his appearance ; it’s affecting his wife, and this should be causing him to reflect on his behaviour. The OP is about what to do when this doesn’t happen.
I also think the majority of posts claiming OP is being controlling must be written by people who have not been in a relationship for over 20 years and hence don’t actually understand the problem.

If my dh buys something that really doesn’t suit him I say nothing and just make it disappear when I do the washing. Then I help him look for it and pick up a better alternative that suits him more 😂

I do not mean to be controlling.
I just felt want would it cost to do something i really value. . Some people like flowers, gifts —- it feels just a version of that - ir something i enjoy / appreciate .

I find the term coercive a little extreme!

I also find today’s obsession with being “your authentic self” and never compromising for the sake of your other half to be a little sad.

Good marriages are built on compromise. Agreeing to eat fish on Fridays when you really want to eat pizza. Agreeing to watch a period drama when you would prefer to watch a thriller. Saying yes to going hiking when you wanted to stay at home for a picnic. And yes, making the effort to dress up on three or four occasions a year to take your wife out, allowing her the opportunity to dress up too, very much falls in to that category,

As long as both parties are compromising equally, then I don’t see why this is such a bad thing to do, and I say that as someone who has been married for over thirty years.

it’s not something that is going to do the husband bodily harm fhs; it just means he has to make a bit of effort! And unless he is a member of Hari Krishna or something, I doubt wearing decent trousers and a carefully chosen shirt occasionally is going to compromise any long held principle of his.

It’´s about forgetting what you want occasionally to make the other person feel happy, which in turn should make you feel happy! It’s about flexibility and selflessness in other words.

Unfortunately the message being continually broadcast today, on social media and elsewhere, and it starts very young in school, is that we should all be self-fulfilled, self-confident, self-aware, self-loving, with healthy boundaries, and of course all of those things are important, unfortunately it completely bypasses the fact that we are social animals who need to rub along with others in the playground and in the workplace, romantically, and when parenting children.

Also, there is such a thing as becoming too comfortable in a marriage or long-term relationship and falling in to a rut,

Honestly I know so many divorced couples who have lost weight, started going to the gym, started paying more attention to what they wear etc. And I meet both of them separately in the pub or the supermarket or wherever and compliment them and tell them they look great! And of course you never know what goes on between two people, but sometimes I wonder why they couldn’t have made that effort for each other when they were together.

I find the term coercive a little extreme!

I also find today’s obsession with being “your authentic self” and never compromising for the sake of your other half to be a little sad.

Good marriages are built on compromise. Agreeing to eat fish on Fridays when you really want to eat pizza. Agreeing to watch a period drama when you would prefer to watch a thriller. Saying yes to going hiking when you wanted to stay at home for a picnic. And yes, making the effort to dress up on three or four occasions a year to take your wife out, allowing her the opportunity to dress up too, very much falls in to that category,

As long as both parties are compromising equally, then I don’t see why this is such a bad thing to do, and I say that as someone who has been married for over thirty years.

it’s not something that is going to do the husband bodily harm fhs; it just means he has to make a bit of effort! And unless he is a member of Hari Krishna or something, I doubt wearing decent trousers and a carefully chosen shirt occasionally is going to compromise any long held principle of his.

It’´s about forgetting what you want occasionally to make the other person feel happy, which in turn should make you feel happy! It’s about flexibility and selflessness in other words.

Unfortunately the message being continually broadcast today, on social media and elsewhere, and it starts very young in school, is that we should all be self-fulfilled, self-confident, self-aware, self-loving, with healthy boundaries, and of course all of those things are important, unfortunately it completely bypasses the fact that we are social animals who need to rub along with others in the playground and in the workplace, romantically, and when parenting children.

Also, there is such a thing as becoming too comfortable in a marriage or long-term relationship and falling in to a rut,

Honestly I know so many divorced couples who have lost weight, started going to the gym, started paying more attention to what they wear etc. And I meet both of them separately in the pub or the supermarket or wherever and compliment them and tell them they look great! And of course you never know what goes on between two people, but sometimes I wonder why they couldn’t have made that effort for each other when they were together.