To just decide not to get married.

Choose 2 witnesses, get married and don’t tell anyone. you can do the paperwork to change your name afterwards… you don’t need to tell anyone apart from officials like passport and bank if you want to change your name.

We got married, 2 adult DC were witnesses, we didn’t tell anyone until 18 months later.

They will get over it. Just don’t tell anyone in advance.

I'd get married just the two of you and ask people to come round for a drink and tell them then. It's really important for your security to get married, especially if you have a child.

As someone who recently married without telling anyone beforehand our families were absolutely fine about it. The key for them was that it wasn’t a pick and choose I.e some people knew / invited and others weren’t. My Mum who was most upset initially was then absolutely fine once she accepted that she hadn’t been excluded from something others (I.e friends attended or knew about). I wouldn’t have changed it for the world, my relationship with my partner (now husband) is of no one else’s concern but our own! We had also kept our engagement private which helped.

Seen all sorts of things in law firms I’ve worked in over the years. People often behave differently when money involved.
Can you unpick what’s important to you and dp. So you want marriage but small do. Want to tell people. Then go from there. Book it. Then tell people. Be firm in your choices.
I suspect siblings spouses won’t care. Not inviting your mum and dad if you are close is a bigger potential for upset.

It's your wedding, bottom line. Do what you want to do? Don't let anyone stop you if you want to get married please!
Sounds silly but my partner and I always planned for a drive-thru wedding in Vegas, married by Elvis. No family, no friends, just us two and a fun time. I think weddings are out of control in the UK and cost silly amounts of money to please all the relatives/friends. Now we are thinking of becoming civil partners instead, off to an office somewhere and sign a register.

The last par here is why I decided to get married. I saw how strict hospitals were around rights and decided that in my mid thirties I didn’t want my parents having more life/death power than my partner of a decade. Also the financial protection once we had kids.

Even eloping and going away just isn’t in the price range.

Your two witnesses do not have to be family or friends. You can ask anyone so you don't need to elope to another destination, you can do it in your own town which won't cost you any extra.

Basically stick to Plan A but choose witnesses not related to either of you in any way.

Oh god just do it and don't tell anyone. Pick the two witnesses, or I think you can even get the register office etc to find people for you? If you both want to be married that is the important part, not all the other stress / stuff that surrounds it. You could always have a large gathering afterwards?

If you get on with parents and grandparents I’d book a small room with them.

Blimey what sort of parents would do that!! Shocking.

If the two of you want to marry then you should.
Draw up a list and pros and cons of each option.
Firstly does it have to be a wedding some dodge drama by registration of civil partnership - less emotive no one can moan I can’t believe you didn’t invite your mum to your wedding.
Small wedding 2 witnesses. Do it and don’t tell. Or Tell after event. Do as an elopement but locally - I’ve seen some hotels offer this - photographer and assistant are witnesses.
Or book 15 room and be clear that you only want a small wedding and due to room size only parents are invited etc.

Absolutely this!

I've gone with YABU but my vote will change if you:
-Have no children
-Do not intend to have any children
-All property/bank accounts are in your name as well as his
-You are completely financially independent of each other
-You have a very strong relationship with his family

My SIL was in a similar position and they decided not to get married.

3 years later, after she'd given up her job to be a SAHM, she was shocked to find that she owned nothing and was entitled to nothing.

I also knew someone whose partner went into a coma and then died and she was completely shut out from all his medical decisions, not able to visit him in hospital, not even invited to the wake and she had to sell the house to give half of it to his parents.

Do it, and announce if after the event if you want/need to.

A few might be grumpy for a bit, before realising what a bonus it is they don't have to buy outfits and gifts etc.

You may get a request to have a party to celebrate where your family will want to invite the extended families to show off. Let them if they want!

Why is other people's potential upset more important than what you both want? Just be selfish! It doesn't matter. It's nobody else's business. They'll get over it. Not your problem.

Your priorities are all wrong, OP.

I mean, to me that’s a really reactionary idea, but, even if you’ve posted do change your name, surely you don’t have to announce it to the world at large?

So maybe someone will see your passport at some point, but that might be give or ten years?

Well yes, but tell them after it is done, and they have no chance to ruin it.

It's just a form, ask two neighbours (like you would if you had something else legal to sign and you need witnesses).

My sister just got married and there were 19 of us in total - both sets of parents, siblings and families. I said to her that I would be perfectly ok with not being invited to the ceremony if they only wanted parents there. Maybe your family would be more understanding than you think.

They’re having a party in a few months to appease those not invited but they also just love a party. No traditional wedding stuff.

Could you have a registry office wedding, tell people you don't want a fuss and they're welcome to come along if they want and have a pub lunch afterwards. If not sod everyone else, as other posters have said do what you really want to add everyone else will get over it. Be selfish, have what you want.

I agree with your DP. Just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

I agree with all the PP’s - and of course it’s the marriage that is important, not the wedding.