Eldest says I have a favorite

It's difficult to comment on really, we don't know what's going on in her internal world that's made this feel tangible for her but it's important to remember that this is driven by her emotions, not necessarily logic.

With that being said I don't think shutting it down or punishing it verbally is necessarily the most helpful course of action. I would be wanting to try to understand through conversation why she feels the way she does, calmy and constructively go over how it makes her feel, when, can she think of specific things that make her feel this way and then work from there. It's not about whether you agree or disagree with her. It's about validating how she feels and giving her some space to process it through age appropriate support. As the adult you need to regulate your own feelings and avoid outbursts or placing a burden of guilt or silence on her, this will likely make it worse not better.

I think it's fine to set a gentle boundary that you certainly do love them both the same without regressing into debate about favouritism:

"you prefer DC2" = I'm not going to agree that I love you less, I love you both so much and just the same but I am listening to how that feels for you, what has made you feel that way today"

When explaining and acknowledging that there are some differences in what's happening at home as a result of age "“Being fair doesn’t always look the same for both of you. It sometimes looks different because you’re different ages.”
“My job is to help each of you in the way you need, not exactly the same way every time.”

Try to make time for proper conversations about it and always end them by reconnecting - "i love being your mum, we are always on the same team, that never chantes" - she is feeling insecure and needs to connect and feel loved or she wouldn't be persisting with the dialogue. She doesn't need you to prove you are being fair, she needs assurance.

If it is genuinely relentless or becomes argumentative then boundaries need to be in the same vein -" I've answered this part, I love you both the same - but we can keep talking about you're feeling" - "We’ll come back to it after dinner / bedtime / a cuddle" to provide a reset if things become heated or circuitous.

Making time for this now will prevent further issues in the long run.

I don’t think my kids really said it but I do remember saying you are my favourite oldest child and you are my favourite youngest child, so I guess I must have got asked at least once.

I wouldn’t give it too much attention or make it into a thing. Sounds like you’re handling it well already.

My kids are 19, 25 and 34 and they still like to pull this crap! I made them sit down once and really think about the times I’ve treated them unequally, and they couldn’t come up with any instances to back up their theories. I will, however, tell them they are all my favourite ‘x’ whenever we have 1-1 time - so oldest is my favourite oldest child, middle is my favourite son, as he’s the only boy, and youngest is my favourite baby.

one thing I do is talk nicely about my children when they think I don’t know they are there. So middle might be jealous of his younger brother and have expressed that recently. I’d wait until he went out the room but I knew he was still there and then tell his younger things I love about middle child.
“Oh your brother, isn’t he wonderful, we adore him don’t we? You are both so kind etc… It really seemed to give him a boost.

I would go with, keep reassuring her that you love them both the same, listen and consider what she says about any specific different treatment, but if you are happy that you are being fair, don't give it too much head space beyond that.

Ok, I know both my kids, and I know that my eldest is entirely capable of dramatising his feelings in order to get the good rewards. I also have a severely disabled sister and grew up as a glass child myself so am very familiar with the hazards here. We’ve had a thousand conversations about his feelings, it wasn’t actually helping him, and so we now we adopt a matter of fact approach and move on, which is the advice we had from the specialist who actually knows him and his own special needs. So I can see where you’re coming from, but I disagree.

@Strawberries86

I agree with @Chamallo personally.

"Aibu to say enough, I love you but I’m not talking about this anymore"

Why? Essentially, you mean she's being silly and her opinion is of no import?

How she feels and her perception is perfectly valid, it's not something to be ignored just because you can't see it?

This is a terrible approach, your child is shutting down because you dismiss their feelings. I'd recommend looking up glass children. All you've done is lesson your guilt, not ease your child's feelings.

I think you need to consider this from your daughter's pov. It might not be that you intentionally have a favourite but clearly your language and approach to your eldest makes her feel that you prefer her sister.
Objectively, you have used language to describe them both in an unequal manor. 'loud and unique' Vs 'angel and total sweetheart'.
At 9 is is absolutely not unreasonable that you would remember your child's school bag if she forgets it, she's 9 for god's sake.

If your 9yr old is loud and unique, how many times a day does she hear negative messages Vs the 6yr old? How much patience does she actually get?

I would encourage you to sit with the discomfort of this, really truly analyse your approach to your daughter's - it's not about the intent, it's about how it makes your daughter feel. How brave she is to tell you this is how she feels, please do not dismiss it.

I'd subtly amp up the things she gets and the things her little sister can't do, but not massively.

I have been told by my three older siblings that I'm the favourite because I was littlest, but I was the one who had to live with all the rules that were made up due to their transgressions! (My brother was also considered a favourite by the three girls, as the oldest and quite unwell one)

The book Siblings Without Rivalry is good for this kind of thing.

I think trying to get one on one time with each of them is important when you can. I take my older DD out for a cafe trip every week after school one day while her sister is at nursery, and I do the same with little sister when DD1 is off somewhere else or doing something with DH. I’ve taken DD1 for an overnight city break type trip just the two of us too. It doesn’t need to be much but just carving out a little time where you don’t have split attention goes a long way I think.

But I do think there’s probably an element of, I don’t want to say manipulation because I don’t think it’s as intentional as that, but kids do often know what pushes our buttons or what can get a reaction and once they find that loose thread they tug on it. And the sibling rivalry thing is a very common thread!

As long as you scale up your expectations of your youngest at the same rate you did your eldest, it's all good.

Don't get into the situation that my family set up whereby the youngest was always the youngest and had lower expectations forever because they were the youngest. As the eldest child it was frustrating to see the youngest being babied and given leeway when I remembered being the same age as them but having higher levels of responsibility and maturity expected of me.

My eldest always clams my youngest is the favourite as well - complicated in our case as both have special needs but the youngest has higher needs, so does in reality get more attention at times.

One mistake I’ve made is to take it too seriously - like I feel oh no! He doesn’t feel loved! I have to take him for a special day out, or give him more one on one time, or buy him a treat! And so actually complaining about this (non-) issue became a good way for him to get stuff that he likes. Either consciously or unconsciously he’s complaining because he gets rewarded for it.

So I have totally shut it down now - if he starts up on it, I say it’s really common for older children to feel like that because they see the younger child being babied or indulged more, but actually I love them both the same, I like them both the same, and I’m really trying hard to give them both what they need. Then move on. Nothing more than “well I’m sorry you feel that way, all I can tell you is that you’re mistaken. I definitely love you both the same”.

This approach seems to be reducing the complaining….

My 68-year-old brother still witters on about me being my mum’s favourite. He’s the oldest too. My (late) mum just used to roll her eyes.

Also I wonder about subtle messages she’s receiving from family. Do they really say both are “extra”? That seems unlikely given you describe them so differently.

My older sister was always cast as the naughty one by wider family and I’ve seen the same dynamic with my nieces (in law). The adults doing it don’t seem to realize and think they’re being subtle, but as an outsider watching them talk about my nieces it was incredibly obvious and toxic and of course both girls picked up on it. Watching it play out with them made me realize exactly the same thing has happened in my own family.

Just like you, my mum and SIL would both outright deny and refuse to see it, which just made the eldest feel even less seen.

It’s a terrible idea to just ignore this or shut it down. It’s going to lead to terrible resentment between the kids, both the older because she’s going to continue feeling this way, and the younger because she’s inevitably going to restrain her behavior even more out of feelings of guilt (there’s a reason she’s the angelic one - often happens with the youngest).

You sound really defensive. Maybe you feel like you explained enough already but a 9 year old doesn’t think like an adult and one explanation isn’t enough.

You need to really engage with your DD9’s fears with a totally open mind. Have you just assumed it’s things like the bag, or are these examples she’s given? At 9 it’ll be really hard for her to understand and express her feelings about this, so maybe she says it’s the bag but it’s something deeper or just her fear. Ask her what you could do to make her feel equally loved.

4 dc here, they all went through phases of saying this, I tell them I dislike them all equally ( they know im
joking). I do try to point out their individual traits that separate them from their siblings, that has helped. My own mum used to tell my older brother that he made her a mun, and tell me I was her baby, again separating our individual meanings. I will say though not to focus on it, or it will be used as a weapon. Say something nice , then disengage.

Kids always think this. My 14 yo DD’s favourite line to throw out is “you wouldn’t tell x off for this because he’s your favourite” but she uses this indiscriminately to mean both her older and younger brother depending on her mood…

As others, totally normal, I had this a few Christmases back from my eldest.........although well into his 30s by then🤣 telling me I was much easier on his younger brothers than him. Apart from what everybody above has said I also apologised if he felt that but explained that with your first you don't really know what your doing, your practising on them and probably he was right that i expected more from him as the eldest, by the third you realise what's important and what isn’t worth the battle 🤷‍♂️

I agree this is the type of things kids say. Unless she is exhibiting some genuine emotional distress I would be inclined to explain (as you have) about age related expectations and not engage beyond that.

If you are concerned you could try to emphasise the ways in which being older works in her favour, as opposed to against her.

I think it’s more than that, possibly. I remember vividly that after I started scrolling, my younger sister did things with my mother and they’d tell me about what they’d done. I felt left out and wanted that 1:1 time with my mother. Although I had my mother to myself for the first 3 years of my life, my sister was born when I was the age that she went out with my mother. Being 2 and having your mother to yourself isn’t the same as being 4 and going out with her and talking and doing things.

It’s completely normal, My three are always accusing me of having a favourite (never them).

I think what you point out is that the things you do now for the 6yo you also did for her when she was six. And that when the 6yo is 9 you will have the same expectations as you now do of her.

When my kids were that age, I would say they were my favourite age year old. So you could say to your eldest she’s your favourite 9 year old and her sister is your favourite 6 year old.

Now they are all 14-20, if I get accused of favourites I tell them not to be so silly, I don’t like any of them (they all share my sense of humour and know this is a joke before anyone comes for me). They always laugh at it & i give them a big hug and tell them I love them. The other one I do is say oh no my favourite is that polite kid down the road…. Am I supposed to pick one of my own kids? Again, always makes them laugh.

I try to give them all one to one time with me and do activities with them of their choosing. It sounds to me like you’re doing a great job!

All I can suggest is that you remind the 9 year old of the things she can do that the 6 year old can’t, eg a movie you can watch with her that would be too grown-up for the 6 year old (and make the time to actually do it), playing with her friends with less supervision, choosing her own clothes on weekends, whatever. And make sure that she does see you having expectations of the younger one, eg reminding the younger one to put toys or shoes away or whatever.

My DF always use to say I was his “favourite SummerInSun” and that my brother was his “Favourite Brother’sName”. Obviously a bit of a joke, but there is still something nice about being told you are a favourite even in that way. You could try saying “you are my favourite Mary in the whole world, and little sister is my favourite Susan in the whole world” - using their actual names of course.