Eldest says I have a favorite

My 9 year old is constantly saying I favour her sister and she gets upset about it. Iv explained I don’t, that I love the both equally.
Are you closing down a real conversation about this? I’m wondering if it might help to get her to be specific. Then explain the reason you treat her differently in that specific situation. She might then remember better the next time it happens. She might be too young to understand the general difference in responsibility and need to see that through particular activities to grasp it.

And maybe adjust how much extra you do for her sister now she is becoming more capable. For example, when she forgets her bag don’t fetch it for her but take her to get it. Your eldest will see her sister isn’t being let off, just getting a little help. (Your youngest’s might remember the first time sooner if she knows she will be taken to get her bag rather than it being brought to her too)

I grew up in a house where me and my sister always felt the other was favoured and it was really was awful!

Now I have two children of my own I am so aware of trying not to create the same kind of atmosphere.

If my eldest child does something like make a mess by leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor I will make a point of calling him to come and clean up after himself, but I will also do the same for my youngest, despite him being 3 years younger. Any general expectations I have in terms of house jobs (taking their trays into the kitchen after dinner, getting themselves a drink, wiping the sink after brushing the teeth, emptying the lunch boxes after school etc) I will ask of both of them, not just the oldest. I don’t want to see my oldest son doing things for the youngest that I won’t do for him.

When they get home from school I give them 5-10 minutes each to tell me what they’ve done in school that day and what they’ve learnt etc and I make sure we are all in the same room as each other when we do it so they can see I’m showing them equal attention.

Same when I ask them about their sports, their friends, their homework, any other hobbies etc etc - they each get asked the same questions and they see I am equally interested in what they both want to talk about.

If we are in a room together and one comes to give me a cuddle I will give them a cuddle back and then whilst it’s still happening I will call the other over and say, “Shall we have a family cuddle?” - and then when we are all cuddling I will say “I am so lucky to have you both. I love you both so much!”

And we are in the same room together and one calls out “love you mom!” - I will call out “Love you too!!” And then I will leave it a few seconds and then call out to their child, “I love you too (child’s name).”

When I put them to bed they each get 15 minutes of 1-2-1 time with me in their room doing whatever they want (age specific) but again they see it is equal treatment rather than me spending 30 minutes with the youngest and the then just sending my eldest one upstairs on his own.

So basically, what I do with each child when it’s a 1-2-1 situation is neither here or there in relation to things like this but when we are all together as a group I ensure they receive equal amounts of positive love and attention (and they can see it’s equal) and the same expectations of their behaviour.

We also spend as much time together as we can as a family unit rather than doing separate activities which helps, but I’m lucky that the children have similar interests and each others company so it’s quite easy ti do.

Things will no doubt have to change and adapt of as they get older but for me the most important part is demonstrating to them equality in how I feel about them, my interest in them and expectations of them.

I also have a 9 and 6yr old and my eldest sometimes says this too. The other night it was the 6yr old that said it for the first time 🙈 Apparently as I bought eldest clothes when we were out and let her choose the treat in Greggs. It was a bag of cookies simply because it’s cheaper to buy a 4 pk 😆 Also youngest gets bought for all the time as I’m always at the shops with her when eldest is at gymnastics. Funny how their little brains work 😂 I just tell them not to be silly and I don’t have a favourite and love them both the same.

I think sometimes the favourite claim is the other child(ren) inadvertently realising the other child is more like mum/dad and due to this their relationship is easier. Less conflict as you understand as their personality mirror yours. To the other child this can appear as favouritism.

Mine are adults the girls often said when growing up that our son is my favourite but they are dads. And personality wise our son is very like me and due to this I find him incredible easy company. The girls are more like my husband and due to that I love them fiercely as I see the man I love and chose to spend my life with in them. However I dont feel I have a favourite. Unless you count the dog. Who can do no wrong in my eyes. 😃

Im the 3rd of 4 siblings. I dont think I ever said that to my DM but I can remember her telling us all that EVERYONE gets treated fairly, it does not mean we get treated the same, that that depends on the who (esp their age) the what and the why.
I would say you can treat her the same but because her sister is younger she needs to go to her level ie going to bed at the same time (earlier time) which means she wont get those other perks. That she can't have it both ways.
I think she's able to see when she thinks you're being unfair to her but doesn't seem to see the perks she gets that her sister doesnt (because its not age appropriate)

Good luck!

In terms of development, at 9 she’s gradually separating from family, growing as an individual, and more reflective about her place in the family, her relationship to you etc.

I think it’s natural that she’s questioning these things. Fairness is highly important at that age, especially in peer interactions. I wouldn’t overly worry that this is about you, or how you parent. You sound thoughtful, intentional and sensible.

I would say that being gently reassuring is the way to go here, not dismissing her concerns, but also not adding weight to them. It’s good that she feels safe challenging you, bringing questions and concerns to you.

I lost my patience and said she was basically calling me a bad mum

Be careful with this- the older your dc get the more terrible your parenting will be, at least according to them 🤣 Don’t depend on them for your validation!

It might be worth considering that your expectations of her might be a little high just yet. She may need a bit more scaffolding with organisation, remembering her bag, etc. It could be that the correction of sending her to get her bag is landing with her as shame. Ime it can sometimes be better to take pressure off temporarily rather than holding a standard slightly too high. (I might be projecting too as I’m adhd, with a houseful of ND needs)

My sister still said I was the Golden child well into her 40s. She pulled my mother’s heartstrings so much, that she ended up being left my mum’s estate and me nothing. So much for the golden child!

She could be manipulating you to feel sorry for her. It starts young. Just ignore it and don’t give in to it.

I think children that age don't always fully understand or maybe don't want to understand the sibling age gap.

My brother at 9 kicked off with my mum shouting that she only ever told him to go to bed...me and my sister were teenagers.

It is a difficult situation for you and for your older dd, @Strawberries86 - you know that you aren’t playing favourites - but it’s a lot harder for your 9 year old dd to understand the nuances of the situation.

I think the idea of finding some things that she gets to do, that her sister doesn’t get, is a good one.

I grew up feeling that my sister was definitely my mum’s favourite - there are specific examples that sadly still rankle today (I’m 61), so I do think it is important to make sure that you do treat children fairly - but it sounds as if you are aware of the risks, and taking steps to prevent it happening - which is more than my parents did.

I have one objectively challenging dc and one who is easy to raise. Both are convinced the other is favoured. Not sure if I’m doing something right, or everything wrong?

I say stupid things like how I get to the school early so I can have the pick of children, and only take home the best ones, etc. Or sometimes, that I do indeed have a favourite - meeeee. Or if I’m asked to choose I’ll check if I have to pick one of them, or I’ll say, yeah I hate you so much I just bought you a new coat, so that’ll learn ya. I just try and keep it light and fun.

You might well love them the same but your dd9 is picking up on your unconscious bias against her.
It was clear in the way you described your two dcs.

Don't just shut her down.

It's not personal, she's nine and she's telling you how she feels. Don't invalidate her or she'll stop talking about her feelings to you.

She's not literally accusing you of being a bad mum and even if she was, you're the adult, hear behind what she's saying and have some empathy.

From your own post:

The 9 year old is quite the character, very loud and present but is funny and unique.
The 'but' is very telling too as it implies the 'funny and unique' bit makes up for the 'loud and present' bit - which reads as 'annoying,'

I think you have to be a bit more honest with yourself about how you really feel. If you're only interested in defending yourself you won't get anywhere.

It's very obvious that you describe them differently - 'angelic' and 'sweetheart' are much more positive words than 'loud' and present.'

This is my totally uninformed take on it. Children depend on parents, mothers especially, for their survival, so they are highly highly attuned to their mother and how she's behaving and reacting. Even tiny differences in how one child is treated can trigger their anxiety, as it flips a switch somewhere that says 'you may not be taken care of.' Now, of course, most of the time that's not true, but a developing child can't reason that out. They just feel scared and less valued and they express it in whatever way they can.

It sounds from your description that you like your younger child more than your older one - maybe your younger child is easier or more like you or just more likeable person all round. That's tough situation - you naturally respond more positively to the more likeable child, which isn't malicious but can have a terrible long term effect on the less likeable child. Again, they experience that as rejection, even if it's really subtle and unintentional.

If you want to fix this (as in, really fix it rather than just make it go away), then the next time she brings it up, I'd sit down with her and say 'what makes you say that?' and really really listen to what she's saying. Don't defend yourself, don't explain things away, don't bring up the age difference, just listen and hear what she's experiencing, with as open a mind as possible. Try to figure out what it is she's actually worried about, and what might make her feel better. It's worth the effort.

It's great that she's telling you about it btw - it shows she knows she can bring these things up at least. The next step is to really hear what she has to say.

They are different, lots of good advice here.
Remember George VI
”Elizabeth is my pride , Margaret is my joy “
This made me feel a bit sorry for Elizabeth!

Surely it is intrinsic to the nature of being a sibling that you accuse your parent of favouring the other child(ren)?

I’m in my mid-sixties. My sibling and I have squabbled over this for six decades. My mother was always inclined to declare whichever child was absent to be the favourite. And yes, laughed and rolled her eyes.

The cod psychology from some posters in this thread is utterly cringworthy

I was so fortunate that at the time I was being accused of favoring one over the other, the girls were obsessed with their two cats. I would ask them which cat they loved more. They saw what I meant. Could you find a similar analogy?