Eldest says I have a favorite

My daughter says I love my son more and I reply he is my favourite son and you my favourite daughter. I ignore as I know its not true.

I think it's totally normal for siblings to think their brother/sister is their parents favourite and even when they're old enough to know it's not true they'll still wind you up about it (or maybe that's just my kids)!
All you can do is reassure your eldest. Remind her of the privileges she gets like staying up later. Keep going with 1:1 time for both of them because it's your time that will reassure her more than anything else.
Not to depress you but your youngest will probably say eldest is your favourite at some point. Like I said it's nothing to do with you or the way you parent. Just kids being kids.

As an older child I always felt my not so DSis was the favourite. So many more allowances were made for her throughout our lives. I particularly resented being given responsibility for her, being expected to mind and babysit, to be the sensible one.

Make sure that this pattern you’re creating isn’t lifelong. There will come a point when expectation of both should be the same, and that’s sooner than you’d think.

My eldest (now an adult) always ‘jokes’ she’s her favourite child. I saw whoever is giving me the least grief at the time is my favourite!! I also say ‘you’re my favourite daughter’ as I have one of each. My son never says these sort of things.

Edited to say - if you want the deep answer - my daughter probably says this because my son is very outward in his feelings and had a lot of attention as a child because he was challenging and DD kept her issues ‘in’ because we were more focused on DS and his outbursts let’s say.

Seriously though, I think you’re handling this well, but maybe give the 6 year old more responsibility for school bag - at 6 she should be able to fetch it.

"I have no idea why the eldest thinks my youngest is the favourite!"

Meanwhile, describes the youngest as "angelic"...

The reason you're finding this so difficult OP is because you've been called out. I'm not saying your youngest is your strict favourite, but even within this thread you have an obvious bias when you're not purposely putting on a performance in a direct attempt to "prove you don't". People can see past that. Does knowing that make you feel uncomfortable? Ask yourself why... If it's really not true, why is this call out distressing you on this particular way?

Your eldest is noticing this.

Perhaps look inward and at your own behaviour instead of blaming your eldests perception skills.

You can either face this head on now or reap the rewards when the eldest is old enough.

My uncle has always complained of my dad being my grandparents favourite. The reason he thought this was because my dad was the favourite. Everyone told him he was being silly, because that's what people do, but it was plain as day that he was right and everyone was invalidating his feelings that he had formed based on very real observation since he was a child, continued into adulthood. I remember thinking it was terribly unfair on him for everyone to say he was wrong whilst it being very obvious he was right.

Be honest with yourself and listen to your child, else it's going to get even more unpleasant as she grows up.

It's always been the same if you have more than one. Adult relatives sometimes bicker about the presents they got decades ago, because their parents "favoured" one child! But these days, it's much worse, because even very young primary kids are absorbing the words and ideas around them. You see so many things about people saying they'll go no contact with their parents because of favouritism, and phrases like glass child, golden child etc.
You clearly care and are aware, but you can't blame yourself-it's hard having 2 kids close in age.

There ws a 7 year age difference between my sister and I. I deeply resented being made to "look afer" her and take her every place I went. When I accused my mother of making her the golden child she denied it.

When I was in my mid 20s my sister had an unplanned child. My parents told me they were leaving her 2/3 of their estate because I had decided to be child free. She was not the favorite but she had GIVEN them a grandchild.

Yeah, right.

It does sound from your post as though you favour the younger child - perhaps it shows in ways you're not aware of.
It won't help to lose your patience and argue with the older one - this could just convince her even more that she is less favoured. Maybe try to listen to her a bit more.

One of my friends tells her children they are all her favourites (rather than “neither of you are the favourite” which is what I used to say!) I thought this was a good idea.

Whenever my kids have told me I have a favourite I’ve replied with “no I don't, I hate you all equally” even when they were young! But then I’m sarcastic twat and my kids have been brought up with the piss being taken out of them! It goes both ways, they take the piss out of me and their dad and each other too. They still think I have favourites, funnily enough it’s always the other child!

Have you asked her specific reasons for saying so when she does raise it so you can respond to her examples. Do it every time she says it and maybe if she is genuinely conceiving your age appropriate response yon can explain that to her and if she’s doing it for attention will likely tire of raising as she’s going to have examples.

I don’t see how you can not chose to talk about it with her.

Don’t take it personally, she needs to know that you can tolerate her complicated emotions.
Work on your resilience, be able to talk about but not be unduly upset by her pushing your buttons.
there will probably be plenty more as puberty and then teen years come.

I leant into this which was easier due to having 4 DC.
"Awesome, you brought me a cup of tea. You are my favourite child for at least the next 3 minutes!"
or
"You really could have tried a lot harder to not get your footie kit so covered in mud. You are not my favourite child for the next 3 minutes."
etc.

I also joke with them about when I'm not their favourite parent. "I don't care what your dad said, the answer is still No! "

Ditto when they called me Dad, gave me golden ticket to get their names wrong, too.

I’ve loved you for 9 years and I’ve loved your sister for 6 years, exactly the same. When you were 6 I treated you the way I treat your sister.

Sounds normal to me.
My kids are in their 20s now and just had a bicker over the dinner table both insisting the other was my favourite!
Seriously, you sound to be doing a good job at explaining that differences can still be fair (always reflect if they are fair though)
As you eldest grows and the perks of being older balance with the responsibilities you may find your youngest starts saying your eldest is the favourite!
I think its developmentally normal in children to look at how they are treated in relation to others and it's healthy that your eldest can speak her mind about what she sees as unjust.
Good luck.

I think this is pretty normal! My eldest went through a stage of saying the same about my younger one and the younger one was adamant he was the favourite 😂 I used to tell them my favourite was whoever wasn’t driving me mad at that moment, and remind my elder son that his younger brother drove me to distraction a lot of the time. They don’t say it anymore (13 and 10) and honestly both are my favourite for entirely different and the same reasons - I couldn’t possibly choose. I think they realise that now

My siblings still bitch and whine I’m the favourite, my aunt is almost 70 and still whines my mum was the favourite… get used to it, they’ll keep it up till you die.

In all seriousness though, my kids do this so I always say I prefer the cat when asked who my favourite is.

I just laugh when my kids say I have a favourite and tell them I don’t like either of them ha ha I obviously tell them I am joking. Interestingly my children both believe that they themselves are my favourite which always makes me smile, but there is only 17 months between mine so they aren’t treated much differently responsibility wise. Honestly I wouldn’t make a big thing out of it, just be light hearted about it.

"Sweetheart, mummy has 2 jobs to keep you safe with love and support and to teach you how to grow independent and happy.

Youre bigger, so you get some trust and freedom DSis is too little for but also so responsibilities shes not ready for. She will be treated the same as you when shes 9.

I promise you I love you both equally. Its just what you need from me is different because youre a little bit older and ready for more responsibility and trust."

Hahah OP I have kids the same age and they are exactly the same! No advice other than let the older one have special 'older kids' priveleges when the youngest not around (we watched the devil wears prada together the other day which was lovely) and remind them when they were 6 you did XYZ for them all the time!

The way you’ve described her makes me think she may struggle if she feels she’s not someone’s #1. She wants you to tell her that she’s your favourite, which obviously you can’t.
My advice would be to be flippant about it, as a PP has suggested. Meet it with a ‘don’t be silly’ type response. Certainly don’t give the impression that you are “thinking” about it or mulling it over.

Is she in a ‘three’ of friends at school? This can often raise its head with girls in a group of three, looking for security. Try to find out if something else is going on that is making her feel uneasy/insecure in her position in life.

Good luck!

Point out her sisters pov. She thinks YOU'RE the favourite because you get to stay up and can go out to the park by yourself.... etc.

I have 3 and am ultra aware of middle child syndrome. The only way I can show he gets favours is through pointing out how it wouldn't have happened for his older sibling and his younger sibling isnt allowed to do what he does.

I also acknowledge him. Yes - dc3 IS my favourite! They are my favourite baby in the whole world! You are my favourite kindest boy in the entire world! (Whisper - even daddy!) Etc.

And agreed with this - I have a sister who is 9 years younger and we were given matching Christmas presents until I left home - like we’d each get the same scarf or bag, just in different colours. The idea that a 9 year old and 18 year old don’t have the same taste or needs didn’t seem to occur to them, because they were so focused on being fair.

It can be impossible at times to treat them the same - my eldest once complained that I told him he could get a packet of crisps from the cupboard, but an hour later when youngest asked for crisps I got them down for him because he’s my favourite. Youngest is not tall enough to reach the crisps, and has a physical disability so can’t safely climb on a chair or whatever.

I find a fairly matter of fact brisk explanation and then move on works best for us, if we get into a long emotional debate actually it just teaches the eldest that saying this is a good way to get attention/get what he wants.

What I would add is treat them as individuals; my parents wanted everything to be 'fair' so my sibling did everything I did after me - and I just wanted something that was mine alone...