Private and state parents

Only to say, if they are in the state system, schools will make a hoo haa over SATs. In the independent sector, there are no SATs at least, but it will all be about CAT tests to determine which schools to be aiming for at 7 plus, 11 plus or CE.

OP, you have just met a few people and it's neither here nor there really. I'm also in SW London. Don't overthink.

I literally couldn’t be bothered with the stress of 11+ in our part of London, certainly with my eldest who was absolutely not co-operating with the prep an I wasn’t going to put either of us through it. As I said earlier, they’ve ended up with the same GCSE grades, same A level grades, at the same uni and in the same grad job as their privately educated friends. I have no regrets at all and a far healthier bank balance. All this caveated with the recognition that we had a really excellent state alternative.

@Privateandstateparents - but you are overthinking it with a 3 year old as well?
If you are going to put yourself in a group of educational overthinkers whether state or private - then you are not going to be avoiding the 11 plus frenzy.
The good news is they all mostly chill out post GCSE level!

Also, parts of West London the 11 plus competition for certain sought after independent schools is now so desperate and try hard, that plenty of people just opt out because they cannot be bothered with it all. The West London indie landscape is definitely not some chill heaven like the OP would like us to believe.
You have a bright kid a nice house and a great locaility and catchment school, it is just less stress to go state all the way - and unis don’t penalise you for it either. So for many it is the path of least resistance and you get to keep the moral high ground and bitch about taxes (whilst secretly having investments and trust funds lined up for your DC).

@MeetMeOnTheCorner - I have a lot of friends and colleagues who went to Harrow and Eton and quite often, yes their DS do still follow, but often on the insistence and at the expense of the grandfather (generational loyalty runs deep). And many are relieved if they end up with girls only and the subject does not require much discussion at all. And starting with state primary down the road and seeing how it goes is very much acceptable now.

Also ask yourself the question. If you actually wanted your DS to have a chance at being PM (whatever flavour of party) would you really send him or her to private school?

@Araminta1003 I see that in our grammar county and no doubt some in London but if you’ve been to Harrow and Wycombe Abbey, dc tend to follow. This is about real wealth, not average London wealth.

Those who already have large social and political networks really do not need a private school to cement them (they will still get into Whites or the Hurlingham club anyway). So I think the opposite is the case There are parents with vast wealth confident enough in their DCs ability and their social class not to need to send them to private school. Especially in more affluent areas and it is seems a bit of a trend.

“thank you. I was just genuinely puzzled, but some comments helped me figure out a perspective around people who move down socially and the related insecurities that I had not considered before…”

I am not sure that is the case in parts of London, in particular. There is a subset of parents politically opposed to private education and another who thinks you only send your DC if they have SEND or not intelligent enough to cope in the state sector. The state sector in London has massively improved in our life time. They all sit the same exams and go to the same universities and extracurricular and cultural opportunities in London abound.

@mindutopia DC here don’t find their own friends! Parents get together with like minded friends and usually job status. It’s very very clear that friendships are curated and the doctors dc don’t end up being best friends with the traveller dc. In your dreams!

I would absolutely not choose a school based on whether I liked the other parents!

Who cares if Sheila and Barbara pegged you as being especially class anxious and shot right for you at the open day to suss up your career status?

Your dc is very unlikely to be besties with their dc. They’ll find their own friends. Choose the school that fits your lifestyle and child best.

Fwiw, I went to private school my whole life. My dc have only ever gone to state schools. You will find the whole spectrum in both. There were some very rough kids in my private school, fights, lots of teen pregnancy and there are some ridiculous posh wallies who couldn’t be more stereotypical toffs in my dc’s schools. My kids gravitate towards the nice normal children with nice normal parents because that’s how we raised them.

They are far less likely to. Surely you can concede that?

Sorry for all my typos. Having a scroll while I shake a headache 🫣

Op I was a state and independent school parent in London. I recognise the dynamic you describe. I had the best group of parents at my childrens state primary, they were awesome but mainly very wealthy and spent lots on holidays. Lifestyle etc. very aware of everyone’s social status.

Independent school parents were actually a bit more varied. Some unbelievably wealthy, lots who were “normal” professionals who didn’t have the top notch holidays but did manage school fees. And a few who had fees paid by grandparents who were professions who couldn’t manage fees otherwise (teachers mainly!).

Every school is different. You’ll find the right fit I’m sure.

@notnowmaud - I know this is off topic but do you mind saying why you hated private school and won’t send your kids? On the fence about this decision so interested in your experience. Thanks.

That poster said nothing about it being any class of person that has those unfortunate attributes. In our village one of the posher families were barking mad and their house a dirty disgrace even my low bar teenage self was shocked. So no right thinking parent would want their kid going there!

Tbh i'm not even sure what the narrative is, just thought the description of state school families quite funny

@Sartre Hence my use of “” when I used the word friend. The minute you use a title you are immediately above other parents - and you know this. People curate friends like them and dc like theirs. Mostly they don’t want the dangerous dog families or ones with drug habits. So everyone filters!

@Flamingojune - so you inferred that from my anecdote about our particular school? I would interrogate everyone before I sent them on a play date. Probably even the Princess of Wales. Does that suit your narrative now?