To think this is why I don’t host parties.

You're being goady and saying this for the sake of a reaction... right??

Surely no one can be this cruel to their "friends". What about the feelings of your friends you repeatedly let down? They don't matter? Only you and your feelings matter?

Wow.

I cant be bothered organising stuff anymore for this exact reason. People are flakey and crap and rude.

If I do organise something it is something I'd be happy to do by myself.

I cant be bothered messing about and wondering/stressing about who will/wont turn up.

She was probably grieving. Totally reasonable for me.

What hideously rude, thoughtless people OPs so called friends are. Bin them all off. How us this 'the way if the world now'? People need to stop tolerating such treatment.

YANBU. People are flaky and rude. I’m afraid I would be telling them all exactly what I think and wouldn’t care if it damaged the friendships.

That's dreadful behaviour by your friends. But it's not what I've experienced when I or other friends have parties. I wouldn't do a FB invite though - is that normal for your friends? I do think it somehow doesn't feel like a personal invite. I used to send emails, these days I set up a WA group.

I think this is the way of the world! I’m a Gen X-er who enjoys a team sport with a lot of younger people. The lack of resilience / commitment etc genuinely appalls me. I have a mentality that if you’re part of a team you turn up (both physically and mentally!) but week after week people are tired or it’s a struggle to get there or they worked until an hour before they’re due to start. If I commit to an event there’s no way I would miss it (even with letting the host know), unless I was very sick / contagious or some sort of emergency had occurred.

In part, there is some truth to this but can any of us honestly say we’ve never behaved in a way that’s thoughtless or selfish? I certainly have and while I’m not proud of it I recognise I’m not perfect myself and can’t demand this from others.

It’s hard, balancing the line between being a pushover and just letting some stuff go.

Only if you have crappy friends.

That's really bad. Our friendship groups are very reliable and this sort of thing never happens

This happened to me on my 30th, which is now nearly sixteen years ago. I’d booked the afternoon tea and paid a deposit for twelve and four showed up 🙄

It is upsetting and embarrassing - you end up feeling like you’ve been at the receiving end of a rather horrible joke. But personally I don’t think extremes like ‘they aren’t your friends’ are helpful. It happens to everyone.

Aw that’s such a shame .
That is why I never bothered organising anything for a big birthday I had not so long ago .
I just went with my husband and youngest daughter for an afternoon tea.
I also don’t accept many invites because I get tired very easily.
If I accept an invite I show up , I’m never a no show

But why do you say you're going to go? You ought to just say you can't manage this sort of event & decline up front. Its very understandable to not be able to attend, but there's no reason to be rude & let people down.

This is why I won’t host big parties or get togethers.

Rather a smaller group for say bbqs or murder mystery night.

Worst case the bbq food goes in the freezer and murder night we just have things like pizza / spring rolls so that would just be lunchy bits the next day.

Im one of those people who agrees to go then dreads in for 48 hours prior. However I still go and mostly I enjoy it then wonder why I’ve dreaded it.

I think some people really just don’t care and do whatever they want. I had someone not turn up to my wedding. A whole family of 4. I sent a formal invite. I checked they got the invite. They sent their rsvp back with meal choices. I spoke to them 3 weeks before and they told me what hotel they booked and discussed the train they were getting. On the day, didn’t turn up. I’ve never seen or spoken to them since. The amount of people though that told me to be kind and maybe something awful happened etc. Going by Facebook photos, they were fine. On a day out in fact. Apparently I still shouldn’t be annoyed because maybe they were old photos she posted to hide the fact something awful happened. 🤣 Some people really will make excuses for anyone! When really they are just rude!

They know you and DH.
People are so pathetic and socially inept.

~~All this, yes, but one other thought perhaps for the future...

I have big gatherings like this a lot, well several times a year. One thing I've learned over the years is to remind people several times about it. It feels embarrassing and awkward at first, but now I do it routinely and it works!

So, for a big event I send the invite, then a week or two later a cheerful follow up sent to everyone but saying 'I've heard back from most people but just checking everyone received the invite', and then one the day before the event confirming address, timings, directions, look forward to seeing you, etc. This tends to work well, people seem to appreciate the reminders, and I haven't had any disappointing turnouts since I started doing this.

I am someone who is in their 40s and still enjoys booze and I totally agree
.a hangover is no excuse. If you really have overdosed (I know alcohol can sometimes hit someone differently from one time to the next!) You still go along and just dont drink. It's a very 'cant be bothered' excuse to me.

Maybe you should put “shame you missed meeting my cousin Henry Cavill who popped in to say hello “ 😄

That’s so rude, I think I’m the age of texting and not having to actually call someone to cancel has made it much easier to back out. I would definitely not bother next time apart from the usuals and the poor person who lost their cat!

Were the people who were declining invitations doing it on the FB group, so publicly?

I no longer have WhatsApp groups (or indeed FB groups) for gatherings as I can't stand the waterfall of 'soz, can't make its' that inevitably follow the first person sending their regrets.

I'm in a Whatsapp group for a families meet-up that used to be on a Facebook page event, that people couldn't post on. Now its in a Whatsapp group attendance has significantly declined. The woman posts 'so who's coming this weekend' and nobody responds for ages, and once the first 'sorry we have football' message hits the thread, it is followed by multiple other excuses within the hour.

PS: Everybody on here is saying ditch them re your friends. I think that is a bit harsh for a first offence, but I have to admit I haven't had any friendships survive the type of person who regularly drinks so much on a Friday night they have to cancel plans for the rest of the weekend. That isn't normal in your 40s.

I don’t really like socialising at gatherings anymore but my rule is, if I accept I go, if I have doubts I decline. If, on the off chance I fancy going on the day, I’ll contact them to see if I can be there after all. I don’t want to have a reputation for being flaky and unreliable. I have a friend who is so unreliable I don’t pre-arrange anything with her anymore, not even a pre-arranged meet up for coffee.

Can you push yourself out of your comfort zone, otherwise it's ever decreasing circles presumably.

I go to quite big parties that friends host, I have to say, DH and I don't host these much, we don't mind but certain friends have become default hosters and it is similar numbers to yours and I can't recall many missing them, in fact everyone is excited to go. Do you think it's because they are the friends of the friend that encouraged you to extend the invite? It is shockingly rude still and I think sometimes people are a bit lazy now and perhaps not as sociable due to phone addictions but I only think that when I hear of people cancelling last minute that are not my close friends like neighbours etc.

It’s a very selfish and me-orientated world we live in now. Unless there’s a direct benefit for being there people are just so flaky and apathetic. I bet if you’d said a famous celebrity was attending they’d all have fallen over themselves to be there.