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Original poster

I really want to go home. I really really want to go home.

297 replies

JacknDiane · 17/05/2026 17:15

But my home isn't there. The council have got someone else there. My parents lived there 50 odd years, then mum moved to sheltered housing. But the family home with the nice garden is what I miss. And mum pottering in the garden. Dad is dead so long I struggle to remember what he did. But mum comes back easier, shes dead nearly 15 years. I was a late baby, my siblings are so distant from me, I was always really an only child.
My kids now are grown and moved away. Not near me at all now. Im happy for them,they are leading a young 20 somethings life. As it should be. They were here today for 2 days but both gone back now. I haven't got any family apart from them and dh. Dh is good but he doesn't understand how I feel. His siblings are in this city, although he doesn't see them much, they are still here.
When my dcs leave I dont know when I'll see them again, they both have lots going on. Im glad for them. But I feel so bereft when they go. Ive had a lump in my throat all day. I mostly stayed home when they were small or worked around them. That's unpopular on here but it was what we all wanted. Ive got friends, a job, I keep busy. Im not sat here waiting for someone to knock on my door, I plan things and keep occupied.

But when the dcs have been here then they go, I just want to go home, to the house I grew up, with my mum and dad there. Them just pottering, watching telly, going a walk. Nothing exciting, just the foundation of my childhood and young adulthood. I just want mum to say its ok, you'll miss them but you'll see them soon. Just reassure me all is well. I know it is, but I haven't been reassured by my parents in at least 20 years. I looked after mum after dad died. I became her mum. Its just what happened.

I just want to go home and sit with them. And drink tea. Then come back here and get on with my life.

But I can't and its overwhelming sometimes.

OP posts:
Nogimachi · 17/05/2026 19:31

Sending love and hugs OP. Your home is still there in your memories. xxx Now you have a lovely home with your husband I hope xxx

neveraskingtime · 17/05/2026 19:31

Boomer55 · 17/05/2026 17:17

The past has gone. Onwards and upwards to the future. 😊

You're wrong for this

HoppityBun · 17/05/2026 19:30

Blueeyedmale · 17/05/2026 17:37

It got me too, people say men are not supposed to show emotion but I just give my teenage DS a big hug when I read this.

A PP said about eating food you had during childhood I did just that the other day, we often didn't have much growing up but we had the occasional jumbo sausage and chips from the chippy every few months, I, went to the chippy opposite the cemetery where my mum and dad are buried, and spend almost 2 hours talking about happy memories during my childhood.

Show quote history

Real men do cry and show emotion @Blueeyedmale please never think you should not do that.

Terriblytwee · 17/05/2026 19:30

You have written beautifully of what I too have felt. I hope it comforts to know that you are not alone in these feelings. Your children will probably feel the same way too one day

Lifeomars · 17/05/2026 19:28

Fluboben · 17/05/2026 18:53

This thread also reminded of the poem Eden Rock, which I love.

I love that poem too, it does make me sob though, Charles Causley was so gifted, one of my favourite poems

PrettyPickle · 17/05/2026 19:27

I know exactly what you mean, sadly whilst my mum is still there, she is not the person she used to be and I grieve for the mum I knew, that reassurance, being with mum and being someones child, it was my safe place. Unconditional love.

billycat321 · 17/05/2026 19:26

My heart will always be in the village where I grew up. Sometimes I 'visit' it by finding it on Google Street View and 'walking' the familiar lanes again. I see where we bathed in the river and my brother found a moorhen's nest and we watched the chicks hatch..And the place where my sister and I rescued a baby rabbit caught in a trap. I see again the farm where my father worked ,the village school that I walked to each day with my big brother and little sister, the church where I sang in the choir. All precious memories. Oh dear, the tears are coming now. Just an eighty-four year old being soppy

Ellebelle01 · 17/05/2026 19:25

Nothing useful to say but sending you big hugs and I hope the days get better for you ♥️

UnctuousUnicorns · 17/05/2026 19:24

Blueeyedmale · 17/05/2026 17:37

It got me too, people say men are not supposed to show emotion but I just give my teenage DS a big hug when I read this.

A PP said about eating food you had during childhood I did just that the other day, we often didn't have much growing up but we had the occasional jumbo sausage and chips from the chippy every few months, I, went to the chippy opposite the cemetery where my mum and dad are buried, and spend almost 2 hours talking about happy memories during my childhood.

Show quote history

I'm almost sorry I'm vegetarian now, as I used to love fishcakes with chips from the chippy. 😋

This is a lovely thread. 💛

Voneska · 17/05/2026 19:24

Your post made me cry. How lovely it would be to go back home; to sit with them, drink Tea and biscuits. How comforting it felt to be at home. Have you got any photos to look at, can you go for a walk down that street and imagine that you're going home.....that's what I do, and I go on g o o g l e maps and stare at the house, get a screenshot and think : I used to live there with mum and dad.......

Ellebelle01 · 17/05/2026 19:23

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Caniweartheseones · 17/05/2026 19:23

I sometimes feel alone in my grief for the life I used to have, in my country. Here, I pass as local, but I am not and I wish I could go home. That place doesn’t exist anymore. There was a war and political skirmishes. Sorry you miss them. It is very sad. Thanks for being here though.

AprilMizzel · 17/05/2026 19:23

I think it's Hiraeth.

I supposed it means you had a happy childhood.

I don't think it would be my childhood I'd go back to recent visits back have been upsetting rather than nice and house and whole area are different.

I think it would be early years of marraige with DH or kids young years - both places we've moved from but are very different when we've been back or here if we move later.

Kids are uni age or just before and I do at times feel sad and bit lost about it. Plus in their childhood have felt loss of no-one to talk to about my childhood with - the shared stories and events - whereas Dh had that with IL - shared stories and locations. Have done a few locations with them - but links with my DGP aren't there as much - sibling can take he kids to where grandparents lived even if houses and people are gone.

Think you just have to feel it then keep busy and move forward and get new experinces to share with others.

SBGM247 · 17/05/2026 19:22

JacknDiane · 17/05/2026 17:15

But my home isn't there. The council have got someone else there. My parents lived there 50 odd years, then mum moved to sheltered housing. But the family home with the nice garden is what I miss. And mum pottering in the garden. Dad is dead so long I struggle to remember what he did. But mum comes back easier, shes dead nearly 15 years. I was a late baby, my siblings are so distant from me, I was always really an only child.
My kids now are grown and moved away. Not near me at all now. Im happy for them,they are leading a young 20 somethings life. As it should be. They were here today for 2 days but both gone back now. I haven't got any family apart from them and dh. Dh is good but he doesn't understand how I feel. His siblings are in this city, although he doesn't see them much, they are still here.
When my dcs leave I dont know when I'll see them again, they both have lots going on. Im glad for them. But I feel so bereft when they go. Ive had a lump in my throat all day. I mostly stayed home when they were small or worked around them. That's unpopular on here but it was what we all wanted. Ive got friends, a job, I keep busy. Im not sat here waiting for someone to knock on my door, I plan things and keep occupied.

But when the dcs have been here then they go, I just want to go home, to the house I grew up, with my mum and dad there. Them just pottering, watching telly, going a walk. Nothing exciting, just the foundation of my childhood and young adulthood. I just want mum to say its ok, you'll miss them but you'll see them soon. Just reassure me all is well. I know it is, but I haven't been reassured by my parents in at least 20 years. I looked after mum after dad died. I became her mum. Its just what happened.

I just want to go home and sit with them. And drink tea. Then come back here and get on with my life.

But I can't and its overwhelming sometimes.

its ok, you'll miss them but you'll see them soon

Verityandsquab654 · 17/05/2026 19:19

Holdinguphalfthesky · 17/05/2026 19:10

Hiraeth is so potent. @JacknDiane you’re definitely not alone. These are some things I do when I feel like you do:

i work in bits of things to my own routine, that make me feel safe and ‘home’, especially on Sundays. The Archers. The shipping forecast. Making a roast dinner. Particular albums that my parents used to play. Occasionally I buy food my grandparents used to serve, or which I associate with their house. Or make one of my dad’s special weekend recipes 💔

I also make my own home feel cosy and safe. And if I’m really struggling with hiraeth I get into bed with clean sheets and clean pyjamas and clean hair, I suppose as if I were a little girl again, and read a book I’ve read before. It’s like parenting myself!

Edited

I think you are on to something there Holdinguphalfthesky

So often we don’t bother to look after ourselves to the same standard we looked after our dc!

OneNewEagle · 17/05/2026 19:19

Mines for my grandma, who I lived with a lot during my childhood .

im not going to go into details or I’ll upset myself again a. I’ve been trying to be ok all day up at 6 am keeping busy with chores. Yesterday was a list of little reminders, a certain plant in the garden centre she had in the garden. And so on. I cried myself to sleep last night.

it’s a couple of decades since she passed. And I live hundreds of miles away where I know no one or have a ties. So that adds to the misery.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/05/2026 19:18

tsmainsqueeze · 17/05/2026 19:07

This is beautiful !
I have never heard it , so comforting ,it's given me goosebumps.
Thank you.

Show quote history

Just read it for the first time. It made me sob even though I'm not close to death and my parents are still alive.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 17/05/2026 19:18

What a moving thread and so many wonderful posts. Thank you OP for the emotions you've generated for so many of us Flowers

FreightNot · 17/05/2026 19:17

I feel this same way. Sunday evening is indeed a time for tears, I guess. My father died when I was 21. My mother, in a way, died the same day—she had a total mental breakdown and has never been the same. I had such a happy home and childhood. I miss laughing with my siblings. I haven’t spoken to any of them in years. The family trauma was too immense and our rift is irreparable.

I have my own beautiful children and lovely home and husband, but I often find myself still wishing after all these years that I could call my dad just to chat, watch my mother make Christmas dinner in the soft light, play a board game together on a lazy afternoon…

Verityandsquab654 · 17/05/2026 19:15

Lifeomars · 17/05/2026 18:50

My heart goes out to you, grief and longing for a past that can never be recovered are such painful things. I am coming up to the first anniversary of a death that has devastated my family and I long to go back to happier times before this long bleak shadow came into our lives. I feel that I am back at the start of my grief, the pain is almost physical, the tears come unprompted and I still cannot make sense of the horror of it all. What to do and how to cope? Well I just don't know, I am considering trying to write my feelings down on paper as this used to help me cope with tough times in the past. I tell people that I am struggling but I am so aware that my pain can make some of them uncomfortable. Thinking of you OP and apologies for going on about myself

I am so sorry for your loss and would urge you to buy a journal and pen as writing itself helps us to process so many feelings, and I find the effect is even better when done the old fashioned with pen and paper 🌺 but any way that suits you is good!

Tryanalogue · 17/05/2026 19:14

Snazzysausage · 17/05/2026 19:09

God yes,I know exactly what you mean. It's like you're homesick for another time.
I lost my mum in my early thirties,my dad in my early forties.I'm now 64.
I still want to nip and have a cup of tea with my mum while dad's down the allotment.
I've come to the conclusion part of it is because it's like my comfort cushion has gone,they were just .... there.
My much older brother says he realised he was the top of the tree when dad died,not just one of the branches.
It's a weird nostalgic pull back.

The scent of wild narcissus takes me back to 1961.

They’re out in my garden just now. They smell the same as when I was a four-year old.

threescoops · 17/05/2026 19:14

LakieLady · 17/05/2026 17:25

I wonder if this could be something akin to grief? If so, some counselling might help.

I know it's been a good many years since you lost your DP's, but grief can catch you out in the oddest ways. I had a huge pang of grief for my dad a little while ago, and it's over 17 years since he died. It was triggered by seeing someone who looked a little like him from a distance.

Now that your children are independent, it's understandable to look back to your own parents.

oh yes! after my Dad died - over 30 years ago - my sister and I kept seeing old men who looked a bit like him, in the street, on the bus - in that uniform of smart leisure clothes that grandads wear - light coloured slacks, an anoraky kind of jacket, a cap, a stick - and for a split second thinking it was him. They died when I was in my early 30s and the older I get the more I miss them, and am sad that I didn't get to have more happy times with them once I got settled and did better in life. I was thinking only today how I long to see my Mum and talk to her, so your post hits the spot. I would love to go back to the family home of my childhood and/or teenage years for a day or so!

FlatCatYellowMat · 17/05/2026 19:14

Oh OP. I've found myself wallowing in nostalgia a more recently as I realise how different my kid's childhood is, and the things I just took for granted that they'll never experience.

And I just sold the house I bought 25 years ago - which even though they never lived in, does kinda fluff up the sediment.

You are not being unreasonable. I get it (so do so many others here). Sit in it a bit. Breath it in. Breath it out, treasure it and move on. Because what else can you do,

AhBiscuits · 17/05/2026 19:12

I know exactly what you mean OP. Big hugs.

My mum died suddenly in her 60s, 2 weeks from diagnosis to death. It was devastating obviously but I still had my dad and we were a comfort to eachother. We found him dead sat in his car a few years later. Heart attack. I've had a real feeling of emptiness since then, like I'm alone in the world (I'm not at all, I have siblings, a husband and children). That feeling of wanting to talk to them and share my news has never gone away.