Give me some rational opinions (another husband one)

It sucks but it’s how it is for a lot of us.

my husband and I both work full time, we both have Sen the same, we both contribute the same financially.

we are different in the sense we have 3 children and lucky enough to have a cleaner (definitely get one, it helps A LOT!!).

we have been together 25 years and I’ve been where you are 1000 times. It’s very tough. Your husband has a physical job and needs to rest but that doesn’t mean you should have to pick everything up. Unfortunately I do believe this is the sadness of both parents needing/choosing to work. Running a house and a family is a full time job and as a society, we’ve gone a bit bonkers.

what I will say is that in my experience it does get better over time. You have to go through the ‘whose more tired competitions’ the giving instruction (so tedious but I’m afraid men and woman don’t think the same) and the annoyance.

my husband runs a business and his days are not physical and he can often be working evenings so o don’t mind doing the lions share. However, the bottom line is - neither of you sound lazy but what you’re going through is a very normal adjustment to two parents working as kids are growing up. My husband could never ever do pick ups and drop offs, my days are flexible office work and so it’s not possible for him. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had times where it’s really round me up and dare I say, at times I’ve been a little resentful. BUT you communicate, resolve conflicts and work within the boundaries you have.

id only have a problem if he was being lazy. If he’s given time to rest and can take a little more of the load but you do the majority as your job is 3 days - it sounds like could be a subtle shift?

He works twice as many hours as you, if I only had one day off I think I would want to relax a fair amount of that time. I voted YANBU but then I changed my mind. You are choosing to be at home half the time that he is so surely it's reasonable that those jobs fall to you. I don't think it's reasonable that they're all making a mess and you are constantly clearing up after them. They can take plates to the kitchen, put toys away and washing in the wash basket. Your husband certainly can. Sounds like you're bored and frustrated with your lot but sounds like he is too.

Have you talked about separation?

I read your breakdown of chores and personally I thought he does quite a lot considering the hours he works.

Can't you talk about this with him, surely you're supposed to be a team, you have a young family and lots of years of parenting in front of you, surely you can both do better than this? Get a plan together, have conversations!

Hmm I dunno. I’d say who earns what is also relevant. If he works twice as many hours but the pay is the same he’s in the wrong game and needs to think about changing industry…..

OP, during the younger toddler years, you might need to drop your standards a little.

And Take some down time for you.And consider Putting the kids in childcare half a day whilst you are home to sort and clean, or get a cleaner.

In your shoes, I’d rather be separated/divorced.

A period of separation might be what you both need to see what kind of reset you both want and are capable of.

😂 fair play OP 💐

He works significantly more hours than you (almost 30 more!!!) and also has a physical job. Now I know non-physical jobs are exhausting too, I have one and my brain is on fire most days so I get that BUT he is working far more than you are.

I think the split is pretty fair as a result. He does do some things around the house I.e bathing the DC, bins, gardening and a tiny bit of cooking and cleaning. Do his insane hours even allow him to drop DC off at clubs and such? Sounds like he’s at work most of the time.

So normally I would agree the dh should do his share but he is working 9 hours a day for 6 days which is a punishing schedule, especially in a physical job. He is contributing a bit to things so not a lost cause.

The house maintenance appears to be a bigger concern - can you get a cleaner in to help with that? Can he help more with school prep and lunches, dishes etc- things like that. Target little things which may make a big difference.

Does he have any redeeming features?

From what you’ve said so far you sound very incompatible, and that any shift is likely to be a temporary improvement only.

If he’s a keeper in other respects, take steps to reduce your load to a level where you feel happier (and less prone to resentment) — eg
*hire a cleaner,
*pay a young person to help several times a week mornings/evenings (good job for Uni students)
*relax your standards of home organisation to “good enough”
*recognise that you may have levels of anxiety and irritation that are not healthy for you or your family — seek therapy

I agree that having to ask all the time is the worst part. I do note that he’s working 9 hour days though, that’s bloody hard. Pick up the toddler and hand them to him.

I’m sorry, you are in the trenches with toddlers and it’s all a bit shit. It can get better. Sorry to be boringly MN about this, but can you afford a cleaner? It makes such a huge fucking difference in life.

Also ask him what hobby/activity he would like to do with the kids when they are older. Football? Running? Scouts? Musical theatre? Rock School? Talk about how much you are looking forward to the day when he heads off happily with them to do activity X at the weekend/weds nights and you can applaud his excellent dadness. Get him to come up with something and then start prodding him to make it happen at the earliest possible opportunity.

Given your hourly rate is double his, your hours of working don’t make any sense. But it sounds like he wouldn’t do any more if he worked less because he’s too dumb to see what needs doing. In order of preference, my options would be

1. divorce
2. if you don’t want that for some reason, I would work more hours if I were you, and outsource everything

I can’t believe men aren’t thoroughly embarrassed as a cohort to say things like ‘I do more than most men’. They are essentially saying that their sex are shit, and why would you boast about that?!? ‘Yes, many men are thoroughly useless, I have absolutely no idea why that would mean you should do less than me.’

Rationally:

in most households with small kids there is more stuff to do than there is adult time to do it. Take one adult per week as 100% - well, you have 200% worth of adult time to allocate.

some households choose to work both full time in which case the children spend time in nursery.

you could do this and would presumably have additional money from this choice. You could use this money to pay a cleaner (although if both kids are in full time childcare the house gets significantly less dirty).

if you want to spend time with your kids then doing activities with them at home means significantly more mess and dirt and just general sorting shit out.

in my personal experience I found it easier once I separated the planning from the doing - so I would do a meal plan per half term with Monday pasta Tuesday slow cooker Wednesday picky bits etc etc.

Divorce doesn’t generally help in this situation - you wind up poorer but still with the same costs - although for some getting rid of the resentment is worth it.

changing your perspective and what you do is easier than changing someone else.

i stayed at home until my youngest was in school. It wasn’t fun as such especially with cleaning etc but I chose to do it because I believed it was best for my kids and I cut corners elsewhere (cooking fancy meals was out the window etc)

Before kids I was highly strung. Husband was generally quite laid back.

Have you ever thought you were highly strung BECAUSE he was so laid back? I used to marvel how my Ex was so calm and relaxed and yet I was a hot mess juggling things. Turns out I was like this because laid back is just another word for selfish, lazy, unsupportive.

Try this sentence instead:
I am highly strung because my husband is generally quite selfish and lazy.

When DH said “I do more than most men” to me, I said “but do you do as much as me?” He had no answer to that one.

could you hire a cleaner and fit in a dishwasher somewhere @Jellyfruit?

As for his "I do more than most men", you are married to him (other men are completely irrelevant) and if you require him to step up, in various areas, then he should help out.

DH can you
a) take over lunch while I deal with toddler
B) deal with toddler while I finish lunch
You are making this very hard for yourself OP.

What’s the financial as opposed to time split? Can he contribute more so you can get a cleaner who will do some housekeeping duties too?