Give me some rational opinions (another husband one)

I think it is probably technically "fair", in that you both must get similar levels of leisure time (next to none).

However, with those (his) working hours, that is no life. I wouldn't want to have children with someone who was too busy working to spend time with them, and took no interest in their lives. Especially if I wasn't particularly interested in a homemaker role myself.

Your resentment isn’t because of the split I don’t think but because you hate doing the tasks themselves.

Honestly, the split seems fair considering you work less than half the time he does and you get 4 full days off every week to his 1 day off. Realistically he should do about 1/4 of what you do if you spend an equal proportion of your free time doing chores.

However, just get a bloody cleaner and save yourself the aggro if you hate and resent cleaning! I am exactly the same way and the cleaner is the best investment ever - I never have to do the big weekly tasks like showers/toilets/floors so only have to do the day to ones like hoovering/dishwasher/wiping sides etc which makes it much more manageable!

You have to find jobs he can, and will, do in order to have a fairer split.
Possibilities

1. vacuuming
2. washing up
3. veg prep
4. stripping and making the beds
5. putting washing machine/ dishwasher on
6. cleaning the windows
7. tidying up
8. taking the rubbish out
9. childrens lunch boxes
10. food shopping (my DP never got the right things in the supermarket) I got DP to do the veg and fruit at the greengrocers instead- he got what was seasonal that the the greengrocer suggested-I rolled with using what he brought.
11. Bath night with the kids- men often enjoy this, but make sutre they tidy up afterwards.

This. This. This.

Sounds perfectly fair, you have 28hours every week more than him. I assume you are working part time on the understanding you pick up the majority of the household jobs. 28 hours is more than enough to keep things ticking over.

I certainly don't think you can class clothes shopping and holiday planning as chores either.

I work about 15 hours a week less than my husband so obviously do the majority of the household tasks.
If I find myself thinking why can't he do the ironing tonight I give my head a wobble and realise I finished work 3 hours earlier than he has.

Sounds to me like you need some open honest conversations. Don't seethe with resentment or expect him to notice what you do. working extra hours when you don't really want to is a bit passive aggressive (or could in fact be used to pay for a full day of cleaning?). Use your words and say what needs doing or how you need helping.

Fundamentally, when there are young kids around there is absolutely no such thing as free time. From the moment they are awake to the moment they go to bed (and then all the bits around the edges of that). He needs to be helped to realise his longer hours don't mean he gets to 'down tools' once home.

You are never going to change him.
As you said elsewhere, work is part of his identity, and he wants to follow the template his parents set.

Unfortunately, he has married the wrong woman, because you don't like housework.

These are your choices:

a. Let the housework slip. Drop your standards until you no longer feel resentment. You can change yourself, but you can't change him.

b. Put the children in nursery / childcare, go back to work full time, then throw money at the problem: cleaner, ironing and laundry service, high quality ready meals (e.g. Cook brand) or food-box service. Seriously consider moving into a town or city for the longer term.

c. Divorce, then you won't be resenting his presence every day. Likely with his workload he will see the DC one day every other weekend.

Have I missed you saying you've had this conversation with him, @Jellyfruit , or are you silently resentful?

I'm a single parent, my son is at primary school, and I work part time for myself. I hate housework with a passion, so I have a weekly cleaner. Yes I could do it myself, but I don't want to, so the cost of a cleaner is worth it to me.

I work part time and husband does similar long hours, so I do majority of house hold stuff. However, I have some rules to help this, such as husband deals with washing his work clothes, shoes need to stay in porch, if he makes breakfast super early before we are up, leave anything dirty soaking in the sink, no tupperwear left in van, no moaning about dinner choices etc. we have healthy ready meals 4 nights a week which helps massively, as no cooking/cleanup. we also have a fortnightly cleaner which helps massively. Weekends are then usually shared around him working. He’s great as will always jump in for bed times if he’s back in time, and genuinely loves the time spent with the kids so doesn’t try and avoid it when he is home

Separate houses.
Life is much easier when there's no one to resent even if the workloads the same. Which it won't be because there's one less adult to worry about.

OP says she can't stand to be around him when they're having an argument about this particular problem. Quite normal.
Marriage is hard work sometimes, jumping straight to suggesting divorce is ridiculous.

Or pick up some extra work if you can to pay for a cleaner/babysitting so you get a break from the drudge and do the job you are good at

I used to think this about my ex based on how he behaved towards other people (generous, go out of his way to do favours, not complain/gripe about others etc) but a nice person would not watch his partner do the lion's share of the work of raising children and running a home, and not pick up some of the work. So, maybe rethink how nice he actually is.

I suppose he does 28 hours more work outside the home. The tasks you do in the home may well reach about equivalent maybe so 27 plus 28 would be his 55 hrs. I think at this stage of life the kids are at max input. It gets easier in some ways harder in others as time goes on. I can see how you both feel you have no time. Try to forgive each other a bit as you are both working 60 HR weeks. Oh and declutter, as if you have a big house and you are all untidy it gets out of hand.

I don’t think it sounds particularly unfair to be honest given the huge difference in working hours, it’s not the financial contribution that matters here really its the physical time available to do these jobs- he cannot do it if he is not there. 55 hours over 6 days is basically 9 hour days, plus I assume some commute either side so 10 hours, if he did dinner when he got home would that not then be too late for everyone to eat? Children pick ups & drop offs, he can’t do them if he is at work. The same goes for lots of your examples really. Yeah, he could do the holiday sorting, the kids clothes sorting etc and if you really wanted to force the issue then he could do them on his 1 day off… but then the impact is in a week you never have any family time.

You work 27 hours, he works 55, even if you spent 28 hours a week on all the other bits you’re still just level with him in terms of hours of work.

It doesn’t seem unfair to me. You work far less hours so will obviously and logically be doing more domestic and child stuff.

Wouldn’t you think that if it was the opposite way round? What if you worked 9+ hours 6 days a week and your husband tried to insist all the domestic/child jobs were split 50/50? Can you not see how unfair that would be? As I see it, if one person works F/T and the other P/T, the P/T person makes up their hours to F/T by doing domestic/child stuff. That way both are working F/T.

How is your DH supposed to do child drop offs and arrange medical appointments if he works 9+ hours a day 6 days a week? If you were working that many hours and your P/T-working husband said you should book and attend the next child medical appt “because I did it last time”, I’m sure you’d be well pissed off and rightly so.

i think you’re confusing separate things. You don’t like domestic stuff so blame your husband but your preferences and dislikes are not his fault. Your husband needs and deserves to rest but sometimes the children are particularly getting at you so you want him to help you. For the latter, just ask.

If you do as I said above - see the domestic stuff as another job - then it’s easier psychologically to deal with it. You can also approach it like a job in that you can set hours (eg if X add Y chores aren’t done by Z o’clock, you stop and do them tomorrow as your ‘shift’ is now ending.

Your husband works full time plus a lot of overtime at a physical job. He's putting in a 6 day workweek.

You work part time, 3 days, possibly desk job. Of course you need to do more of the household stuff. How is he supposed to do pickups and shopping and that when he's working 6 days a week?

Get a cleaner. Outsource what you can like garden care. Do online grocery shop. Automate all bill pays.

Your both earning good money
So get in paid help
A cleaner twice a week that you both pay half of ,will massively help your resentment

I think you've started being hard on yourself OP. Yes he works long hours, but it sounds like he enjoys doing so, and work is part of his identity. It doesn't sound like doing the vast majority of the housekeeping etc is part of your identity. It sounds like you loathe it and are doing it because if you don't, noone will.

It might not be that the answer is him doing much more, if he's not willing to give up some of his work (but if he gave up one of his businesses, could that be offset by you working full time?)

If he's not wiling to budge in terms of labour, I think he needs to 1. acknowledge he is getting the better end of the deal here and 2. Up his game in terms of what he can do. Your description of him obliviously walking past crying toddler is a good example. It needs to feel like you're a team.

And yeah cleaner sounds like a good idea... and lowering some standards for your sanity... but I think YANBU to expect a better attitude from him, and ask for it.

Can't believe posters are suggesting divorce! Dear me.

did you miss the bit in her opening post where she said she can’t stand him? Do you think that women should stay in relationships with people they can’t stand? Why would you think that?

Are you doing that thing where because you are noisier/shoutier you think you’re unreasonable, and the person who avoids conflict is better? Cos they’re not. On the contrary.

So so annoying. We have had this lots of times in the past.

to us it seems negligent/lazy etc but what I’ve learned over a very long time of living with a manual worker is they’re not good at being present, because they’re tired. They doom scroll and are not actually in the room. I hear you - really gets in my nerves, but again, communication.

Can't believe posters are suggesting divorce! Dear me.

I think the split is fair, you work part time whereas he does 6 days, so obviously you can do more of the 'domestic' stuff.

But I do understand what you mean about going back to work full time.

When you're part time you don't really feel you get a 'day off' as such, because you're doing the stuff at home too. I mean you're part time aren't you! You've got loads of time!
Whereas if you were full time you'd feel easier asking for help like a cleaner.
You'd be working but at least you'd get paid for it!!!