Give me some rational opinions (another husband one)

Look at it as any other bill and just include in the monthly cost. I genuinely believe my cleaner temporarily saved our relationship which sounds similar, although the frustration still rears over everything else

I use to do all the cleaning in addition to everything else I did but it would be easier to list what my partner does (50% of school runs, food shopping (I need to do the list & meal plan), adhoc DIY (rare), washes his own clothes, dishwasher emptying)

He runs a business too however the women on the school run who run a business do it in order to be more flexible and present in family life, however the business comes first for him. It frustrates me that I financially contribute equally and flex my hours to keep family life spinning, yet have to pick up about 95% of the not-fun stuff. It just becomes tiring when you are not only the default parent but your partner leaves you to do all the jobs. It chips away at the relationship bit by bit

Send him Alex Trippier videos

I like the approach of you should both have equal free time. But that does rather depend on you both being happy doing the tasks you're doing be that paid work or house/ family stuff.

I think £50 for a cleaner twice a month might be a bargain - if it makes you less resentful of the dynamic. It's a lovely feeling coming into a house that looked grubby and was in the back of your mind as a Job, to find it all sparkling.

I understand why you’re tired of doing it all but equally he works 6 days a week and you work 3. When you decided on that it was always going to end up like this.

How do you do school runs and be at work for 9 hours a day ?

That’s very unfair.
I'm calm and some might say laid back. I just don’t see the point in getting worked up. I see what needs to be done and do it while my other half frets so much about what has to be done he barely gets through anything.

Same at work, lots of anxious & panicked ppl but they accomplish very little.

I honestly think this is the crux of the problem. He has made his value choices and his work is more important to him than the happiness of his wife and the well-being his children. Neither he nor you like the activities of running a house so he has opted out and made it your problem.
Whilst it is true that your split is ‘fairish’ given your working patterns, he has in effect forced those working patterns.
The fact is that, unless desperately needed to finance the household or unless your partner is happy with it, working 6 long days a week with 2 small children is unreasonable. Indeed, it sounds like you earn more per hour than him so it is doubly unreasonable.
Can he reduce his hours to make it more fair? I’d speak to him along those lines. I’d say im not willing to live like this permanently, that I am prepared to work more days to make changes and he must pick up a fairer share in the home combined with paying for help like a cleaner. If he says no, I’d frame it that, as above, carrying on working as he is is therefore more important to him than his marriage then as he can’t have both. And if necessary I would leave him over it,
yes, because i don’t want a man who loves his job so much he is prepared to insist I live an unhappy life.

It’s taken years of compromise and argument but dh and I finally have a set up that I feel is fair.

kids/ family-
pick up/drop off me 70% dh 30%
bedtime 50/50
cooking me 60% dh 40%
activities me 75% dh 25%
dog walks dh 100%

housework
me-
pots/ dishwasher
laundry
dusting / tidying
bathrooms

dh
garden
bins
hoovering/ mopping
cars

I work 2 days dh works 5 and he earns more. Birthday/ Christmas I do my family, dh amd kids. Dh does me and his family. Food shop os delivered

After years of nagging/ rotas etc I just stopped doing his stuff . I stopped checking on him / stepping in, if he doesn’t do his stuff it doesn’t get done and he has to deal with it. It took a while but now we have our roles and we know what they are. I don’t take on his mental load at all

Definitely get a cleaner.. that does sound a bit expensive, but maybe with travel it’s the going rate.

Drop offs etc seem fair as he’s presumably in work.

I think you need to frame it differently. When he is at work, then it’s fair that you are also working - either at your actual job or looking after children / cooking / doing pick ups etc.

However you should both have equal leisure time. And when you are both at home the work should be split equally. He can’t just opt out of anything because he’s been working. You’ve been “working” the whole time too.

It’s not fair that he gets to mentally clock off when he gets home and you never get to clock off. So if you are both at home in the evening and there is a list of tasks (bed times, kids lunches, washing up, tidying, etc) then I think it’s fair that you both tackle it and then you can both sit down together at the end of it. I definitely wouldn’t be happy if my DH was just sitting there relaxing while I was running round doing all of that.

Yes, you’ve officially worked less hours for the rest of the week, but you’ve been doing other family work for the rest of the time, not just relaxing.

sounds like you need to even up the work hours. I don't think so much should fall on you but he's literally doing twice the hours you do, far more than most people's standard hours and he must be physically exhausted most days. What kind of commited do you both have?

I'd have a talk about increasing your hours on the understanding he reduces his. this will bring more money in as you have a higher hourly rate and you could use that extra money to out source some cleaning etc.

Might be worth staying to a timescale too to fill with what you both do all week so show him how your unpaid hours of family care balance his paid work, which will help plan who does what if you can increase your work hours.

In my experience a cleaner seems very expensive until you have one and then if they’re any good it feels about as essential as food

You have sacrificed full time working to be with your kids more. So do that. Your time is very valuable. Outsource some of the other stuff.

This isn't dissimilar to our split except DH does more of the cleaning than yours (he does the washing up and wipe down of the kitchen every evening and the shower once a week) and our DC don't do any fixed activities so I'm free to decide what we do after nursery. Maybe the amount of commitments you have collectively is the main issue? Also agree with getting a cleaner if you hate cleaning. I don't mind doing a minimal amount but if I was working fixed hours I'd get one (I'm freelance so have a more on/off kind of rhythm and wfh).

House work. Someone's got to do it!
Get a cleaner, or do a written schedule for the pair of you based on time spent in the house.

At some point there must have been decisions made about who's going to do the lions share of it at home and who's going to work full time? Who wanted the massive house? Was having kids a joint decision and was child care discussed at the start?

I also don't think it sounds an unfair deal re the work load split. Family life is repetitive and uninspiring a lot of the time. Kids need loads of looking after mentally and physically. It goes on for years.

I don't know what to suggest.

You don't like house work - you'd rather work more hours to escape it. But you think a cleaner is too expensive and you don't want your kids in day care. Your DH only gets one day off a week but you don't want to do all the dropping off and picking up of the kids.

😳

OP, you have four days ‘off’ a week. He has one. And his job is physical labour and yours is not.
I think everyone deserves a day off a week. So does your H and so do you.

Maybe if he gets home in time he could cook a bit more or wash up more or something.

But this is a very rare case for me where I would say the balance of house and child labour should fairly fall on you.

It seems you hate that labour. Most do. But you are the one with the time to do it and you are the one with the office job, not the hard physical labour job. It is fair you do most of it.

The split sounds completely fair. I think your issues are a) him and the kids leaving things everywhere and b) you don’t like housework but have ended up with a life where it naturally falls to you.

One of your kids is at school already and the other will be next year. Go back to work full time and use the money to pay for a cleaner.

He’s working a hell of alot of hours in a physically demanding job.

You work less hours so therefore you do more housework/life admin.

Uae some of that hard earned money you both earn and outsource some things.

Get a cleaner, someone to sort the washing/ironing, set up your online food shop to come once a week with a standing order of regular things (bread, milk, cereal, cheese etc) so you don’t have to think about that and there’s always food available.

It seems you're fed up of your husband.
The "split" doesn't look unfair.

£20-25 per hour is common in my area. It’s not cheap but my thinking was that if I didn’t do something to get over the resentment, I’d spend that and more on counselling. So think of it as an investment in your marriage 😄

Well she shouldn't and he could but since he wasn't...

Jusy an observation about the "Drop Your Standards" comments.

I recently had a health scare due, on part to stress/mental load. I had to reflect that over the years I had taken on more and more stuff and DH did the typical, "Just ask for help" stuff.
If DH did do jobs, he would not do it how/when I would do it, so passive aggressive reactions would be what he got in return.

Yes, occasionally he would have weaponised incompetence, but a lot of the time I was just on the edge of/was controlling. I wanted it done when I asked (even if not urgent/time-bound except in my head) and my way was the only way to do it. Even if he did something amazingly...even when cleaning down the garden toys to put away for the winter, i got pissed off with him for making them "gleaming" rather than a quick brush/hose down...then that was his fault for not reading my mind.

Poor DH couldn't do right for wrong.

Health scare has thrown up some PTSD issues for me and we are having to change our approach. Including I am having to change (not necessarily drop) my standards. Not in a live-in-a-hovel kind of way, but in a this is a DH task, he will do it his way. He sees this differently.

My way and my timescales are not the only way.

I have to let go of things.

And it is still a work in progress. But wondered if it may help the standards issue and help open communication with your DH.

We pay £20/hr and provide the products. It's approx £2 more than the standard rate where we live, but it means our cleaner is happy to come to us and standard rates increase each year.

If you're rural, meaning more commute costs and time, then £25/hr sounds reasonable.

Invest in your own happiness and well-being too. So, if a well-oiled house and home helps you feel happy, advertise for a family assistant (what used to be called "mother's helper") or home help). eg “We’re looking for a family assistant to help with childcare, household tasks and family logistics.” If you have any tertiary students within commuting distance, they might find it a good job (their schedules are often flexible and they have time in morning and evenings).

If an au pair wouldn't be too isolated where you live and you have space, you could also look into that while your kids are young. They're prime age for au pair assistance.

I'm not going to comment on your relationship except to say I was similar to you. I ended up with several health conditions due to the long term stress of juggling life/kids with a "laid back" husband, the anger and resentment was unreal but I was trapped by then. I'm now disabled and really regret not getting out when I could.

I'm getting my first cleaner this week. Quoted £22 per hour and they are based in the same area of my city. Yours will have added on fuel costs if you are rural.

Whoever said ‘that’s family life’ it definitely isn’t. The labour is hugely unequal. Downsize your house and/or get a cleaner since you seem to be fine financially.

I’d run for the fucking hills. He definitely does not do more than most men btw out of me and DH I’m actually the slacker if I’m 100% honest. My saving grace is that I’m a banging cook.

I have done long days in a physical job before, and it is brutal but at the end of the day that’s life. Best advice for that is to find another job before it knackers him. I’m 26 and my back is 66 because I spent years lugging shit around and standing for ages. It really can do you in.

Ummm or he could have used his eyes and brain?

Why should OP have to manage another adult?