Give me some rational opinions (another husband one)

This is the typical trap. The woman bears this load. Don't put up with it. Maybe try counseling so he hears it from somewhere else.

I do 90% of all drop offs. All dishes. Wife does laundry and we get a cleaner. You just got to find a way to make it work. And focus on the stuff the really matters. Ask for one thing from him in terms of change and reward him with praise. You'll catch more flies with jam than shit.

Work full time. Nanny and cleaner - he pays half. If you’re still unhappy, divorce. You don’t want to provide your children with a toxic model of a relationship and roles of women and men respectively.

He does a lot of hours in work so because you’re there I’d guess eg pick ups and activities fall to you but the cleaning stuff should be equal and I have to nitpick and say I’m fed up of men saying they empty the damn bin!!! Who cares! I empty the bin the whole time then wipe it, then replace bin bag, buy bin bags and generally put out the bin on the right day after paying into the account. It’s mostly not strenuous and takes a total of ten minutes weekly tops. Why do men claim it as if it rivals sweeping/ hoovering/ mopping/ changing sheets, cleaning fridge etc etc etc

All these posts seem to be entirely missing the point. The OP married this man and had kids with him, then he decided to just work and leave the house and kids to her. He's checked out entirely.

OP I don't think your resentment is about the balance of tasks, I think it's about the fact that you married someone who really isn't interested in being a partner to you. I don't understand this idea that working is a good excuse to be absent. Your husband spends the majority of the time doing other things besides being a husband and father. The fact that those other things involve working doesn't make it ok.

I work less hours so yes I do more of the life admin and cleaning, and yes it does suck. Cleaning is very boring. But it is teamwork isn't it. And like you, I don't want the kids in loads of wraparound care. But actually I think your problem might be that your H is being a dick?! If he's sitting scrolling his phone while you're trying to multi task with a kid hanging off you. Do you feel like he's working extra as a convenient way to avoid parenting, and then to add insult he's not even checked in and emotionally engaged when he is at home. Would talking about it from this angle get you any further rather than talking about him doing more housework?

If you both earn well get a cleaner and farm out the cleaning and declutterring. Hopefully you are getting online grocery deliveries to make that quicker and less time consuming. Your DH is working long hours, you are three days a week so it’s reasonable you pick up more of the household slog. What did you think running a home with two small children would be like? This is family life. You just need to find ways to make it easier and more efficient. Your kids are 5 and 3 you have a long way to go , teach your kids to be tidy as they grow up , they are old enough to put toys back in the toy box for example. Most women run the show unfortunately but it doesn’t last forever , kids grow up fast and soon fly the nest, try and enjoy this time if you have the means to pay others to help out and this can resolve some of the resentment between you.

He works twice as many hours as you so a 50/50 split would be unreasonable.
IME things won't really change and you end up resentful. I remeber a saying "don't be a dridge with a grudge".
The thing that comes across the loudest is how much you hate the housework. If you could solve that one thing might that be enough?
Pay for a cleaner. It will massively improve the situation.
Get access to his diary and schedule some jobs for him that are his and only his responsibility, so you lose not just the job but the planning as well. Make them things that he could reasonably do on his days off.

PS literally are you free to leave the house solo to do what you want? Work out how many hours he has a week to do this and how many hours you have to do.

My guess is you have an awful lot less than him. He needs to fill out some of his free hours and actually take on some of the physical load.

Doing it this way becomes ridiculously complicated. Like the intensity of the task, the amount of work of the task, and the chronicity of the task.

I'd focus on a different way that someone suggested on here previously: work out how many free hours either of you have during a normal week and work backwards from this.

First post nailed it. Have a rational discussion when no-one is already annoyed, and balance what would seem fair in terms of available time and workload. Create a schedule. Then follow the schedule! Do not break down and do someone else's job because they didn't do it. Also (and this is hard) don't do the job again because it wasn't done to your standards. If you have outside space, get a storage bin with a lid. Explain to kids and husband that anything left lying around for you to tidy up will be placed in the bin - they can retrieve it and put it away at their leisure.

My biggest problem with this is thst you are married and have children together but you never actual spend any time together- what sort of relationship, or indeed life is that?

Why are you paying for all the holidays when you're the lower earner? What is the rest of your bills splits like?

This! A lot here are stating he works all the hours, it sounds like he chooses too as he has made work his life rather than family. He doesn’t have to work that much, he’s the boss, he chooses too. He also isn’t solely responsible financially. Sounds like OP is equally contributing financially near enough but ensures work is flexed to support family life

I have a partner that’s similar and he just has to head back out to work around 5:30-6pm and misses bath, bedtime etc. He gets up just in time to leave the house and barely manages to remember his set school runs, never mind anything else. They can also be inefficient during the day as they’re the boss - I know without looking that the social media screen time is high whilst my partner is oh so busy during the school day. More efficiency with their time means they could spend more time with the family, they just won’t in these cases

Haven't read the thread - and I don't advocate you do this! - but I love being divorced, I just do it all. and not if I can't be arsed.

He's not even in the picture as he's back in his own country.

Hope you find a solution OP.

My son is an adult now. We got through it.

It’s tricky. I get your frustration. But I’m not sure how much more he could do if he’s doing 9hour days 6 days a week. Would he go part time and you could increase your hours and reverse roles? Would you want to do that?

Our family couldn’t hack both of us full time as the logistics of the children (even with paid childcare) wouldn’t work. I therefore chose to be part time. Chose an area of work that’s not entirely exciting but very family friendly. And I took on chief organiser of the chaos. I sometimes get pissed off with my dh (usually near Christmas, or before we go on holiday) but then once I’m less stressed I can rationally see this is the way it has to be. We could swap roles but I’m a control freak and also love being organised. It’s hard.
echoing a cleaner though. I’d love a cleaner 😂 that would tick one thing off the list and free up time for you abit.

He may be working very long hours, do I understand correctly that he is self employed with two business which are a big part of his identity.

your work takes fewer hours but you earn the same. And do not enjoy housework.

id be questioning his productivity. There are men at work you spend the last hour or so after the official close of busdinesz honestly just chatting , very open that they are strategically avoiding g going bath time.

is he really pulling his weight at work. Why can’t he give up some hours and go more housework and parenting ?

I agree with this. I work part time and my husband is full time so even though I find the house stuff really boring, I do more of it because I have the time to, and your husband really is working long hours. Definitely think a cleaner would be a good idea.

"Another thing I observe is his parent's dynamics. And I think that says it all. The mother= home keeper (but also brings in a wage) whilst father= busy business man 😑 I don't want my children growing up thinking this imbalance is acceptable!" -

Where is the imbalance in this @OP? This doesn't seem odd to me.

Re Cleaner, yes £25ph to include products and travel is good, the norm where I am is £20-£25 and we aren't rural. Also - if your house is a big as you imply, two hours a week is not going to be enough to satisfy you. It will help though.

Most of the time Mums do undertake most of the life load, I think DH needs to recognise the few things he can help with easily, like the lunch example you gave, however have you pushed him away from thinking for himself at home? It sounds like he does what he is asked when asked and is keeping his head down the rest of the time for fear of doing what you will consider 'the wrong thing'. And he is doing all the thinking, planning, managing, keep things afloat all day 6 days a week at work. You don't see that. How much do you support him with that?

Yeah but we all have been mothers to toddlers and know how to get everyday tasks done whilst having a toddler, the world keeps turning even if you have a toddler pulling at your leg.

To all the posters saying OP has so much more time than her husband ‘to herself’ have you taken into account she has her toddler to look after in on her days ‘off’?

I don’t think we will ever get away from in most cases children changing the Mother’s life much more than the Father’s.
Realistically him working those hours is not sustainable if he is to be anything like an equal parent and partner.
How many people have already said ‘ how can he do drop off and work a 9 hour day, of course you need to do it’
If you had both agreed to this it might be more acceptable, but it sounds like he is doing a job that he enjoys, and thinks that his hours give him a get out of jail free card to do very little else.
I also hated the domestic side of going down to part time hours to spend time with the kids. I found my days at work far less stressful ( until the day ended and I dived headlong back into the domestics). Work was hard, but no boss is more unreasonable than a toddler. At work no one ever came up and destroyed a piece of work I’d spent ages on so I’d have to do it again. Tidying and vacuuming at home seemed like a continuous chore.
I think you need to address his working hours. Unless there is NO option he needs to cut down whilst the children are young, so he can be a husband and father.
At very least you both need to recognise that you are both working the hours he is at work, even though much of yours is unpaid, and he definitely should not be resting whilst you are still working.

I think there are a couple of things going on here:

The first is that as you do significantly fewer work hours, it is not unreasonable to take on MORE of the household tasks. However, it appears you take on 95% of the household tasks which means, even though he works longer hours, you are "on" more often. This is a problem.

You hate housework. Perfectly reasonable feeling which means that you need to find a solution and yes, £25 per hour is very steep but if that's what it takes, then I'd do it.

The final issue is linked to the first - even when he IS here, he is not on, and you are. And that is the bit that i think you need to solve. So if you are cooking and he is at home, he needs to be entertaininmg/watching the DC so that you can get on with that. etc.

So he works 55hrs & thought what about having kids?

That he could just carry on with the 55hrs & take on nothing else?

What was the split before kids?

Does he really need to work the 55hrs?