To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

I don’t think I would mention his kink or his behaviour since to your parents, you don’t want them to wish they could bleach their brains. Just tell them it turns out your values are too different for it to work long term (at least that’s what I would do, but depends how comfortable you feel about it). My friends, I’d probably tell.

Wtaf have I just read. What a horrible manipulative man. Waiting til you're properly invested, then suggesting that most women would be fine with him using sex workers, then trying to manipulate you into doing stuff you're not comfortable with. Utterly horrible.

If youre reconsidering men with kids OP at least with men who have kids, you can see first hand what type of father they'll be. If they contribute financially, if they know the names of their friends kids / teacher, if they're fully involved as a parent or if they dump their kids with women in their life in their limited contact time to do hobbies, if they can make tough decisions, disciple and boundaries rather than acting all Disney Dad incase their kid gets upset when they're asked to do homework/ brush their teeth, if they put their kids first and wait a decent amount of time before introducing you, are they still respectful to and about their ex for the sake of a positive co-parent relationship etc

Now he’s revealed his kink to you it’s like he can’t stop just adding more and more layers to it. The next thing you’d know (god forbid you stayed with him) he’d be pressurising you to watch his kink porn, go to kink parties and god knows what else. He’s gone from not mentioning it for 8 months to full on ‘this is my whole identity’.

Blocking is the most sensible thing to do here.

Wow! He just gets worse and worse! What a fucking pig. You really had a lucky escape there, OP, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now, having had your time wasted on him.

He sounds like a psycho.

Did he show any signs of this before?

My point is simply that anal sex is strongly associated in society's eyes with being gay/bi, because gay or bi men are far more likely to want to receive anal than straight men - 1 in 10 straight men have tried pegging at least once, but 70 to 80% of gay men engage in anal sex. So it's really not hard to understand why people's minds might (wrongly) make that connection - it's not an unreasonable thing to at least wonder.

Whereas lesbians don't really do anything that straight women don't enjoy doing too. So there's not a good comparator.

It's almost funny that he thinks sending you helpful links to learn about the whole process is appropriate as if you had asked him to send you a tutorial on crochet or some other hobby.....Daft man!

Yes apologies.

Though it seems there's something of an overlap between the preponderance of metaphorical arseholes, and their own obsession with arseholes

Jesus with every message he sounds worse! Amazing how he hid this for a whole year and then once the floodgates opened his real self poured out in a big awful mess. Don't look at it as a wasted year, it's a gift you found this out only a year into the relationship!

She has said what it is quite clearly.

This is really quite ridiculous. A woman with a strap on is still a woman.

The association makes no sense when you reduce an entire sexuality to one sex act. Linking anal sex between a man and a woman to homosexuality makes about as much sense as assuming two lesbians using a strap on are secretly gay.

Wow.

Good work.

Right decision and well handled.

Thats sending you unsolicited porn and pressuring you into doing this. Hard no. Proper ick.

I'm sure he'll feel very hard done by. I have zero sympathy.

Fucking hell, your update! He thought you'd find it useful?!?! Some men are absolutely beyond the pale. God, OP, I bet you can't believe he could have seemed so normal and lovely for all those months. Sorry, what a shit end to your relationship

I am glad to hear you blocked him. Regrettably he sounds like one of those men for whom breaking a taboo, or your boundaries, is an important part of the excitement.

You did right to tell him no further contact. He may not stick to that, but you need to. Do not meet for coffee or anything else, nor accept the “I didn’t mean it of course I respect you”. These are not sincere.

I’ve reread the OP’s posts and she doesn’t actually say what the link is. For all we know, he really wants to have someone shout at him while he reads aloud from the Radio Times.

For me I made my lines crystal clear.

To some extent from day 1. Eg sex wasn’t happening off the bat, I needed to know the person and feel comfortable and in an exclusive relationship for that to happen.

Before I had sex I made it clear contraption etc was his responsibility and solely sat with him. Condoms were a non negotiable. The reality was I had enough of women taking sole responsibility for it and men not stepping up.

I made it clear gambling, debt, violence, misogyny, use of sex workers, smoking, vaping, drugs or excessive alcohol was NOT acceptable to me from the off.

I made it clear difficult step children, ex wives, in laws - were not my responsibility that I had my own stuff to deal with. I also didn’t want someone who just wanted to move in and want to be a man child.

I made it clear with sex that consent and enthusiastic consent eg just because I don’t say no don’t assume it is ok before you start doing it, seek and gain consent and if any pain it would be an automatic stop. I don’t use porn and I don’t like it (links to organised crime, coercion and treating people as objects), I don’t and won’t to three somes, anal etc. Those conversations didn’t happen on a 1 st date but they happened before sex.

if you are looking for a potential life partner it is having fun and relaxing yes but it is a bit like a weird job interview for a few months. Normally a new article got us discussing topics- or something and what do you think of this? What’s your opinion?

We had been on about 10 dates before we discussed sex over several months. He did get violence against women and misogyny but he also learnt a lot too!

if you are going to be vulnerable both physically, emotionally, financially and mentally with someone you have to hold back and look at what they are doing and how they are both with you, other people, animals etc?

Someone should not have a kink and expect you to go along with it and that ok or accuse you of not being open minded.

My husband loves sex in the shower it really turns him on and it’s fine by me. Someone else made call it a kink but for us it is normal.

Doubtless others are fine with porn use and that would be ok. But if you are going to be intimate with someone and truly open it is about seeing them clearly as well as showing yourself clearly.

In your case he is waving red flags. Waiting until he met your family. Committed and 8 months in. I can see why you feel conflicted but it’s a huge no from me. He told you after he met your parents and language used is negging. Other people don’t have an issue, my other girlfriends liked it / didn’t mind, I’ve met your family now to ‘prove’ myself all of this is highly manipulative and I would run run fast and I would finish it for all the above reasons. Just no. You don’t do that and a decent man wouldn’t.

Why the strangely childish language? 'Butt fun'? Just say 'anal penetration', good god.

I'll just leave this here.

“Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,” the report said.
“Women are at a higher risk of incontinence than men because of their different anatomy and the effects of hormones, pregnancy and childbirth on the pelvic floor.
“Women have less robust anal sphincters and lower anal canal pressures than men, and damage caused by anal penetration is therefore more consequential."

oh look here comes the poster who is so open minded to lecture us all about butt fun being liked by many straight men

a man wanting his female partner to wear a strap on and fuck him up the arse is role playing a sexual fantasy, and that fantasy is not about women no matter what they tell you

why are so many woman falling for this nonsense

Well that took a big turn with the mistress bit!!

You were right to drop him after that.

Lol @ ‘normal men’.
Many Straight men do very much enjoy butt ‘fun’ once they have tried it / been introduced to it.
Many men would also balk at it , perhaps because of the old fashioned inference that it might mean they’re closeted gays, or just because they’re not into it but it can be a pleasurable feeing for any sexuality.

even without the prostate , women can and do enjoy anal sex etc too .

where it becomes an issue is situations like the one here, where the man has kept quiet about it for 8 months and then delivered it as a non negotiable and that he is willing to do it with another woman whilst in a relationship with the OP and he suggests she is all minded because she is not into it.

he is unkind , manipulative and unfair .
if this is as important to him as it clearly is then he should have been up front far sooner and given the op a chance to walk away before getting involved and emotionally attached.

plenty of women do enjoy pegging their partner and it doesn’t make them any better or worse than op, or less normal, just different strokes for different folks…

Sorry OP - should have RTFT - ugh what an arsehole (no pun intended!). You are well rid

He is so manipulative- exes ‘were fine’ with it and he can’t live without it. Disregarding pegging - the manipulation would make me reconsider the relationship