To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

Good lord! There is more to being gay or bi than liking things in your bum. If a man has no sexual interest in men then he is neither gay nor bi no matter what sex acts he is into.

I agree. If someone’s in a relationship with you for the sake of being with YOU, they don’t use language like that. You should be enough.

I'd rather know day one. I'd feel taken advantage of if a guy sat on a dealbreaker like that. Sounds like you have a tough decision to make because he clearly gave you an ultimatum. Also, there are sex workers who would be happy to take care of any fetishes for you. I wouldn't give up on a good relationship because of a sexual incompatibility but his holding out and ultimatum puts a question mark over him (for me).

There does if its a dealbreaker as he has said.

Oh my god my secondary school boyfriend did this to. Feet and being a cuck. He tried to get me to have sex with another man in front of him 🤢. Bear in mind he was my first kiss. He waited till 6 months in, and told me in a fucking weird way, he kind of soft launched it with the feet thing and it turned out that was the tip of the iceberg. Feet I could probably have lived with. Proper guilted me. I didn’t do it and I ended up telling my mum (poor mum) and she actually ended it with him for me.

It really messed me up and for years I was worried my DH had some horrible secret kink. Genuinely I feel bad for DH I gave him the Spanish Inquisition hundreds of times poor man. I’d really think people should be upfront about it. I always am.

What could be worse than making someone watch Eurovision? 😆

Not a lot of women like pegging funnily enough. I knew a bloke who brought this up after we broke up (we just dated no sex), he’d been married and his wife hadn’t wanted to do this, neither did any of his ex girlfriends. Personally I think if you like it you’re gay or bi as the man.

Yuck, not only is this manipulative, but imo he's also setting you up to tolerate him cheating later with the "struggle to do without" comment, i.e. I gave you a choice from the outset, when he's done anything but. Kink aside, I'd bin him off for this alone. The way he's gone about this will inflect every aspect of your relationship, even totally non-sexual things, imo. I feel for you, especially given your age. Dating and relationships seem to be a complete shitshow nowadays. Glad I'm old tbh.

Someone might develop an interest in something new during the relationship. Someone might have a kink but not have any interest in pursuing it but then feel different when they're in a long term relationship with someone they trust. I don't think there needs to be a timeline on discussing kinks.

If it is a deal-breaker issue, they needed to mention it earlier.

If it is a "I was wondering if we could try this but no problem if you don't fancy it" then it's not such an issue.

I refuse to be coerced sexually, so if be inclined to end things. There's no real getting around it if he values his kink more than your relationship. I don't think I'd like that even if I was open to whatever it was.

I'm very old, but I'm sure that when I was young pegging was absolutely not a thing to do with your partner, it was something I'm sure people did but maybe in a specialist club like The Torture Garden. I'd never even heard of pegging until a few years ago.

The other thing I didn't even think was that kinky until I read on Mumsnet that it's misogynistic.

I think the crux of this is really the " struggle to go without" part. It's clearly a deal breaker for him if you not do this "kink".
It should be disussed/mentioned if it is a deal breaker early on, to delay mentioning til many months in is manipulative because it makes it harder for you to say no after forming a deeper connection.
Bottom line is, would you want to participate in this particular "kink" or not? Agreeing to something to please someone else rarely works in the longer term.
If i didnt want to participate in his kink ,i would tell him straight that is not for me.So,if its essential for you best we end things now.
If i did want to participate in his kink ,id agree .
My guess his kink had somewhat given you the ick but as you otherwise like him you are feeling pressured to agree . If you agree to something you dont really want from pressure it will feel awful and eventually you will break up .
If this thing is really something he cant do without and you dont wish to do its probably best to end it now.
Your question about wether he should have mentioned it earlier/when is reasonable. I think yes, probably early on ,once you decided to be serious.

YANBU. 8 months on is far too late to mention such a thing.

They should definitely say before meeting parents, that's generally a bit of a 'step' in the relationship. Def should have said when discussing the future. Ditch now, being honest doesn't take 8 months.

I don't think there's a problem waiting a while to mention something you like that's a bit unusual. If it's not a deal breaker for you then fine to prioritise everything else and later down the line see if your partner is up for it.

But if you have something you "aren't going to want to go without long term", that does need to be completely up front and mentioned before you sleep with someone. And really, especially if it's something that a lot of people are going to baulk at, you need to be looking for a partner within that kink community. It's coercive to develop the relationship wo your partner will feel like they have a lot invested and ought to try it for your sake - which is what people who do this are relying on.

Also his language is incredibly manipulative.

”Cannot imagine going without it”

”None of my exes had an issue with it” - this especially. Who cares what his exes did or did not do? What a manipulative thing to say!

This.

Why are they exes?

It sounds manipulative - an attempt to shame you into doing as he wants (as does the poster who jumped straight in with "how open minded are you?"). Don't forget that there are all sorts of people of both sexes with all sorts of agendas and kinks of their own on huge anonymous forums like this one...

Which begs the question why not tell the Op sooner if it's a deal-breaker?

They've potentially had a lot of sex already. Presumably none of it really hit the spot. What a waste of Ops time.

With your current partner , if its something he can do by himself , then although a kink , if it were me I'd think it was his business . But if it includes me and I wasn't up for it , then sorry it would be a incompatible thing and they'd have to go .

I believe that kinks are almost as significant as orientation, and need to be treated along those lines. In this day and age there are plenty ways to meet people who are sexually compatible.

Sometimes people are kidding themselves thinking they can live without their kink. In practice it’s not much easier than trying to force yourself to be straight when you’re not.

I don’t judge people for (most of) their kinks, but I am entitled to choose what I want to happen in my bed. If someone has special requirements that needs discussing early on, not after there has been significant emotional investment, and possibly financial entanglement. It’s dishonest, and manipulative.

It was better before everyone decided that being open minded was a virtue, when kinky stuck to other kinky people and understood the principles of communication and consent.

I agree. I rather not have my time wasted. But they do it I imagine in the hope you will like them enough to try.

It’s manipulative. He wants to get you emotionally invested. If it was something he truly could not go on without how has he managed it for 8 months?

I went on a guy who was a polyamorous (probably not a kink but still). Thankfully he told me on the 1st date. That was the only date we had. If he told me after 8 months I would be livid.

Depends on the kinks.

I really like the man to take the lead with relationships but it's never working out that way. No I don't mean trad wife.

If he can't live without it then he'll find it one way or another. I absolutely couldn't stand that, personally, so I'd be setting him free.

On the first date I also said that I am not sleeping before marriage

You must have been exhausted by the time you walked down the aisle! 🤣

I disagree with this, because I think it depends on age and what you want out of a relationship. At the age of 25, sure this is fine. At the age of 40 when you both have your own kids not an issue. If you’re late 30s and looking to start a family then you don’t have time to waste, then someone dropping in what they know is a likely dealbreaker isn’t fair.