To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

Not wanting to engage in a particular kink doesn't mean you won't engage in any, though. So plenty of women wouldn't be being honest saying that, but still might baulk at a particular kink (or even just at the manipulation inherent in someone saying they would "struggle" if she won't engage).

This.

Eugh! This was meant to say “I have heard some people question if a woman is truly a lesbian etc…”

There are far fewer women there of course. So they fancy their chances better pressuring women they meet in other ways 🤷

Not only do I agree with you 100%, but I also wanted to say that I think you have a really brilliant style of writing!

I’d expect to be told before he went anywhere near my bedroom, one guy I dated told me something after two dates so I ditched him. If it’s non negotiable they should be upfront, before 3rd date seems about right to me

What he has done is coercive.

His request came with an ultimatum that if he didn't get it he would not be happy in the relationship.

This is your red flag. Getting his rocks off a particular way is more important than your emotional connection to him.

You are being tested about whether you are compliant or not because of the accompanying ultimatum.

It doesn't matter what it is - the way in which it has been presented to you is the problem.

He doesn't respect you not care for you emotionally. Getting his rocks off is more important to him.

Christ OP I'm glad I'm old fat and married. Our biggest kink is going to bed after 9pm.

For what it's worth, both of the things you mention - the desires of the ex and of this one - would be a major turn-off for me, and I'm no prude. I had an ex that wanted me to work a finger up his bum using baby oil, that was 35 years ago. No ta. But he shrugged and never mentioned it again! He's an ex because he really only wanted to marry his mother, plus he liked to shit with the bathroom door open.

I can't add to the more grown up advice you've already received about how manipulative he's been - and he has been - but I'm sorry you've been let down at this late stage. See how he reacts to your polite "no thank you", but I doubt you'll look at him in the same light now anyway...

The time to tell you is BEFORE you have sex. If this is something he “has” to have (and I call bullshit on that phrase) he should have been upfront.

The move into the mainstream of more and more extreme porn, seems to have made a number of men think that most women like nothing more than being choked and abused. Vanilla sec isn’t enough (it is in my book)

We aren’t allowed to “kink shame” though, despite behaviour borderline (and actually) abusive, being forced onto women.

The terrible “rough sex” defence in murder cases, always men murdering women isn’t it, and claiming they wanted to be choked.

Chuck this one back, he’ll either be pestering you, or cheating on you.

Why? She said she would have broken up with this man.

Totally, I'm stunned that anyone cannot see that. And the whole 'can't live without' - it's emotional blackmail.

Normal, non-manipulative people say... probably after at least the third intimate encounter: "That was great, and it's probably a good time to talk about what we might both be into. And this is my thing..."

I worry when people can't see blackmail talk for what it is.

I have heard some people if a woman is truly a lesbian if she uses vibrators.

Honestly I think it’s a form of homophobia and reduces homosexuality to sex acts.

Maybe before committing to being exclusive with a man, we should say “btw I’m not into kink of any kind. If that’s an issue speak now and we’ll call it quits.”

but then part of me thinks why should it be on us to say that?

Perhaps the op can get your number off you and pass it on to him !

Yet they're still exes

Disagree. Triangulating OP with his exes who were apparently "fine with it" is manipulative to the extreme.

If he was just being "honest" he would simply say it's something he wants to engage in and wants to share with his partner and not being able to do it is a dealbreaker for him. There was absolutely no need to add in his exes because it's completely irrelevant what his exes liked - the OP isnt his ex, she is her own person. Does he expect OP to do something she doesnt want to do, simply because some woman before her did? its vile

Very manipulative.

Whatever it is, if you don't want to do it, you have the absolute right to say no. If you tell him it's not going to happen, then he can decide if he can't live without whatever it is. I think you need to make it clear that the subject is closed if you do say no.
I've found that men do often try to chip away until the woman reluctantly agrees. That's the way to a disastrous relationship, coercion and disgust.

You don't think that language is manipulative? Interesting. It's all the red flags to me. I didn't say she couldn't walk away, I said the way that he has framed all of this is very obviously calculated to illicit one of two responses: guilt (oh he NEEDS this and no one else has an issue, I must be the one with a problem) or fear (oh he might leave if I don't get on board with this...) I totally agree she should leave, he sounds like an utter creep. Who waits eight months to say: "By the way I need to be pegged every other Wednesday otherwise I will die..." Paraphrasing obviously, but come on, people who recognise they have fetishes and who aren't arseholes have mature conversations. They don't drop it as a topic hours after they've met the parents and use language designed to make her feel as if she is the odd one out.

The biphobia on this site. Oh, the biphobia on this site.

It sounds like he’s a manipulator as some PP have said and if his kink is not for you then end it - fast.
The emotional blackmail of ‘my exes were up for it’ is something you can’t check up on and he knows it….. and remember HE is an ex of these women for a reason.

Completely agree! A lot of people on here seem to have no idea what it means to be gay. Would they tell a lesbian she is really straight because she enjoys pegging? I hope not!

I am old and when I read threads like this I am glad that I am old.

These comments about pegging are wild. It absolutely does not mean a man is gay or bi to enjoy it, nor does it mean he wants to be a submissive or humiliated etc. ridiculous!

I've done with with more than one partner and it's a thing of deep trust (like anal the other way would be) and is about sharing pleasure.

His kink would be fine with me but the words he is using to discuss it absolutely wouldn't be and that would be the problem. What else could he suddenly decide he couldn't live without further down the line that has never been raised previously and cannot be done? Id have to break up with him for the way he's gone about it rather than the kink itself

I actually think being upfront about all this would be great and should be normalised on dating apps. I can't be arsed any more (am also old and enjoyed plenty of nice, respectful and non-extreme-pornified sex in my youth, and I'm horrifoed by all the normalisation of choking, anal etc etc). But if I did I would love an OLD site where you could specify that you are into totally vanilla sex, not interested in any kinks at all and have a wild 70s bush. It would put off a lot of men and that's a good thing!