To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

Pre internet porn it was not common to have lots of these kinks.

LOL. Of course it was. Historical erotica is full of ‘kinks’.

That’s really not true at all. In most cases a kink really is just something people do in bed sometimes.

When I read the post initially, I thought the kink was a penchant for Eurovision! Definitely a no-no in my book!

I wouldn't waste my time.

In my experience, kinks are exacerbated by a lot of porn use. Unless he's met you through a site where both are into that kind of thing , then he's likely going to try and get you to do it or have a problem that you won't.

I hold no truck with people who go on about being vanilla or saying it's bigoted to kink shame. Pre internet porn it was not common to have lots of these kinks.

I would throw this one back and with time not on your side if you want kids I would think about a different approach. Don't settle for a guy you're not compatible with because the clock is ticking. Be really up front about what YOU want with your next new relationship and move on if he isn't on your wavelength.

Someone once said "sensation over feeling has become pervasive now". I agree and don't think it's making people any happier or content. The opposite, in fact.

is it dressing in women’s clothes?

So current guy wants to be done by a strap on? And last guy wanted humiliation … maybe there are more men out there that want this dom experience ?

Do you ask about fetishes? Next relationship you could bring it up much earlier and see what comes out.

I think people are much, much less confident talking about sec and intimacy than you'd think.

I completely agree with you that if it's something that's that important to you and you know it might not be something everyone would be into then you need to find a way to respectfully bring it up.

But then you never really know with someone. My ex told me he'd had an sti test since his last sexual relationship- a lie, told me he'd only ever been with women -a lie, and that he rarely ever watched porn - a lie that actually ended the relationship eventually as he was into very extreme stuff. I was having the conversation in good faith and really wouldn't have cared if he'd told me he was bi and hadn't had an sti test done but i would have insisted he did one before we had sex. Lesson learnt not to take someone's word on it. He'd seemed fine with the conversation at the time but now I know he was lying through it to give me the answers he assumed I'd want to have.

It's hard for sure to know the 'right' timing when you're dating someone new but you need to be prepared to put yourself out there a bit.

Being "open minded" I think is really unhelpful language when it comes to intimacy. Awareness of your range of preferences and your personal boundaries is probably a better way to talk about that because open minded suggests something negative if someone isn't into a certain thing and there is no wrong or right with that as long as we're talking consensual intimacy between adults.

I agree OP.

In your current situation, I'd get rid of him. He will always go on about it, and if you agree to keep seeing him now, he will use that against you - "but you said you didn't mind/agreed to it when I told you upfront". Just get rid.

I suppose that's true but I wouldn't consider that either a kink or a fetish, it'd be a dealbreaker in the same way no piv sex might be for someone. Its not something you need to do a big reveal about liking months into the relationship!

Oh I am very upfront about this just in the chatting stage either right at the beginning or after 1 or 2 dates, due to having a similar scenario the OP is now in years ago. I dont make it a big deal I just bring it up casually. I know what I can live with and what would give me the ick.

The only time I could possibly ever cross my own boundaries is if Chris Hemsworth told me he was a cross dresser.

I’ve certainly seen threads on here where women are debating whether they can face staying in a relationship where they never get oral sex.

I think I saw the phrase 'women may have kinks but men have fetishes' on here. The difference is exactly what you said- a fetish is something someone would 'struggle to go without'- even with all the variety of possible sexual activity, men with fetishes get fixated on one thing which usually needs to become more extreme to get the same 'hit'. Women might have a variety of things they like but are generally happy if it overlaps to some extent with a partner- no one thing is a deal breaker.

I think if its an i kinda like X then its understandable they might wait but if its i cant enjoy intimacy without Y. Y is dealbreaker you absolutely need need to know as soon as possible

Why is the ball in his court? Leave him if you don’t want to spend your life avoiding him when he’s getting horny for a pegging! Which I’m guessing is going to be a lot more than a once a year, on his birthday, event.

Liking anal doesnt make someone gay 🙄

My kink is I don't like kink. Total dealbreaker for me, I would want to know as early as possible.

Exactly this.

If he'd started with an open conversation about any kinks they both had, might be open to, hard nos and limits then fine. He's basically said this is my kink, get on board or we're splitting up.

I'm happy to be old and married too.

Bums in our house are for shitting out of. Just as nature intended.

Having read what they both asked for, they are pretty beyond the pale of usual activity. Definitely better to be up front about them before now 😬 pegging as in a strap on?

Ah yes, there's always one who gets confused between being gay and anal sex.

"Gay" is when a man feels attracted to other men. It has nothing to do with liking, or disliking, anal sex, which is something different entirely.

I’d leave. If it’s something you know you don’t really want it’s going to become a contentious issue between you. Just leave.

Re the exes having no issues, of course they would say that. Funny how they’re exes though and didn’t stick around permanently.

agree with this post wholeheartedly. He’s put a timeline and resulting action on whether you perform and comply with- I’d hate that. Introduced to parents or not - I’d rather be a bit embarrassed if they ask why you split but I‘d rather my child splits up with their partner than being coerced into doing something they don’t feel comfortable with!

I’m surprised people think it’s ok to wait a few months. I’d expect this information as soon as sex was involved, or very soon after. He’s said he would struggle to do without this kink longer term, so he should have told you about it as soon as it became a sexual relationship. I agree with people who think this is manipulative behaviour and would see this as a red flag.

I also dislike the notion of responses to kinks being “open” and “closed” minded. I would consider that coercive language.