To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

Glad he sent the second message and made it really easy to tell him to fuck off.

How is sexual kink 'strictly nothing sexual'?

God he's a perv. Sorry he strung you along for so long.

Oh blimey. Realistically this guy is not for you.

Surely if it's not the OP's bag then he's not fucked; which is exactly the problem from his perspective.

The word you want isn't conundrum - maybe quandary? My sympathies.

I disagree. If you have a sexual kink that you'd struggle to live without, I think it's incumbent upon you to tell a potential partner about it before you have sex with them for the first time. They can then decide whether it's something they could ever accommodate or not and if they can't, you can amicably part ways, with no damage done. Waiting until the relationship is established in the hope that the feelings that have developed will be enough to persuade someone to rethink their boundaries is plain wrong and very unkind. Dump him now OP and don't look back!

God I think they should be upfront with them from the get go. Waiting till you’re invested is manipulative. Like meeting your parents & going through relationship milestones like that. Sorry OP this would be a deal breaker for me. I unknowingly met someone who could only ultimately enjoy themselves unless they/we did their kink & it was rejecting & isolating to realise it’s not really you they’re into but some objectified fetishised aspect of you doing something or a body part. That you don’t share their enjoyment of it means it feels horribly one sided & rejecting. When you see how different they are when they engage in said kink ir also undermines what kind of time you try to enjoy intimately together outside of it. Ofc you use the notion that if you love someone you’d want to make them happy blah blah bollocks & try that but it feels inauthentic bcos they require some degree of investment from you to even do it & if it does nothing for you, or give you any pleasure seeing them in pleasure etc & it’s really quite weird (aka grim) you soon realise you’re not a match. That was my experience anyway!

" if the answer is yes than this may not be the relationship for you."

Yes, but now she's wasted 8 months. He should have told her earlier!

It doesn't matter what the things are though. Any kink should be declared before they get too serious.

Eight months of wasting someone's time?! Are you serious?
It should be declared as soon as it seems that a relationship is developing whether that's first or fifth date, but obviously not months in!

thats the thing ive had similar but with peoples various drives so to speak, but these days its not something you shout about on the first date so to speak

I wouldnt want to be with someone who wanted me to peg them. I don't think there's anything wrong with it either, but I don't want to do it.

He might graciously decide to go without it, but from the manipulative way he's approached it, he is never going to stop pestering about it. Why don't we just try it once, if you loved me you would try it, calling you not open minded, sulking. He's already hit you with the exes liking it, so it must be a you problem.

I hope he at least waited until all the acts had finished to drop this on you.

What do you mean by open minded?
I'm open minded enough to not be shocked by people's sexual preferences or kinks, but I would rather be aware of stuff like that earlier on before feelings became more complicated.
Knowing what I like and what I don't like isn't being closed minded.

Kinks are very divisive and a lot of people are very scared about telling theirs until they are VERY comfortable because they've experienced harsh judgement, men especially get a very bad reaction on the whole being labeled as creeps or perverts. He's gotten to a point where he feels he can be vulnerable with you.

If a woman is into slap and tickle it's genuinely more accepted than if a man is into that exact same kink.

I've been in the BDSM scene since the early 2000's so I'm very comfortable saying what I'm into pretty fast but I also used to use it as a way of vetting people. It still took my husband 6 months to express his kinks.

I would digest it and ask yourself these questions: Does this change who he is? Is it a deal breaker? Has it changed the way you feel about him? if the answer is yes than this may not be the relationship for you.

There is a weird “my way or the highway” attitude about the way he’s worded this that would make not want to be in a relationship with him anyway - especially considering the timing that he thinks you’re invested and wouldn’t want to “throw it all away” now.

Gross. And I struggle to believe he’s had a list of exes that were totally into this tbh.

I think we all have boundaries in our sex lives and what one person may be prepared to explore is another person's hard no. None of that is unreasonable until one partner puts pressure on the other.

For me, it would depend on the following

• is it something I would be prepared to explore, providing if I didn't like it that would be the end of it.
• is it something that is going to define our sex life going forward, or would it be an occasional thing
• would he still want to continue the relationship if I said a hard no

If you feel he's just been waiting for the right moment to make himself vulnerable I would have a conversation. But it sounds like you feel manipulated in terms of timing and the kink.

If you want kids and this is something you are not prepared to do, then end it now. If you feel he's being respectful and you could explore it a bit, but he understood that you wouldn't want it to be an integral part of your sex life I'd have a conversation. If you feel he's trying to manipulate you into a lifestyle you don't want I'd end it now.

and one that definitely means you must be gay 🤣

The fact he prioritises a sex act over being with you is reason alone to end it, his priorities do not align with yours. So sorry this is awful to have had your time wasted

This!

Why wait til after you’ve had sex? He should absolutely have told you first. I’d be furious he didn’t.

It’s MN missionary only during ovulation 😂😂

Honestly I don’t think any of those examples are too wild, but we all have different limits and what we are comfortable doing in the bedroom.

They felt comfortable with you, said what they liked and it’s not for you so you just move on.

Not saying they didn't exist. I'm saying it wasn't common and internet porn has exacerbated it. "LOL" 🙄

You can't help with wonder sometimes if the real kink is the mechanism of having women submit to doing something they don't overly want to do.

To be honest I would struggle to take any man seriously who was sincerely telling me a specific sex act and the regular provision of it was crucial to us staying together long term, it's manipulative, pathetic and show's some unhealthy perspectives on what a loving relationship consists of. I'm no prude and enjoy a healthy sex life but couldn't enjoy a relationship in those circumstances or with a person minded that way.

He's waited until he thinks you're emotionally invested/hopeful for a future that you just might give it a go rather than give up on the relationship and that too is a huge red flag for me. He's told you what you need to know OP, which is that this is a high importance thing for him - you're not likely to hear the end of it. Remember that he already knows you don't organically want to do it, but still wants you to and dwell on how you feel about a partner like that.