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Original poster

To expect people to be upfront with any ‘kinks’

542 replies

Laurennnworld · 17/05/2026 13:14

This has happened twice now in recent relationships - the men I am with waiting many months to reveal ‘kinks’.

Now, I am not saying this should be revealed upfront on date 1, obviously not. But with my ex, he told me after 5 months. My current boyfriend, we are nearly 8 months in. He met my parents yesterday, we had a lovely afternoon with them and came back to mine to watch Eurovision. He then revealed something which he says he’d struggle to go without longer term. No judgement, but not really my thing. I could indulge it occasionally of course. But I wish he told me a few months ago when it would have been easier to cut things off.

Has anyone else experienced this? I am now in a conundrum.

OP posts:
Jumpingjoys · 17/05/2026 20:26

@Laurennnworld Oh my god. Whats wrong with men? Honestly 🤮

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/05/2026 20:24

Am assuming he likes being whipped or degraded then., dump.

Sadfrog · 17/05/2026 20:23

Jesus the manipulative fucker - you really need to give him both barrels. He’s strung you along & played you. LTB with bells on. So sorry because until this point you saw a future with this person. Don’t let him manipulate you into being ok with this.

Horses7 · 17/05/2026 20:22

He’s got to go hasn’t he…..or you could wait for his third message!!!

ThatCyanCat · 17/05/2026 20:20

ChickenBananaBanana · 17/05/2026 20:15

How the fuck does he receive anal when fully dressed with no touching?!?!

Astral projection?

Ilovemsrachel · 17/05/2026 20:16

Sorry WHAT? It’s not sexual even though she’s fucking him in his arse? Simply because she’s wearing clothes?

She could be wearing trackies and it would still be sexual.

I have really heard it all now.

ChickenBananaBanana · 17/05/2026 20:15

How the fuck does he receive anal when fully dressed with no touching?!?!

Fimofriend · 17/05/2026 20:14

Laurennnworld · 17/05/2026 13:23

I don’t know tbh - everyone has a line surely? I’m all for trying to make things interesting, but feel what was suggested with both these men was beyond that. I’m sure it wouldn’t be for some people, they said that they had exes who had no issue with it.

Show quote history

Yeah well... they'd say that regardless of whether it was true or not. It is very: "But Muuu-uum! All the other kids are doing it!"

Kokonimater · 17/05/2026 20:14

Huge red flag. I’m so sorry. Is it something you could allow sometimes or if you’re honest does it turn you right off?

Build5bear · 17/05/2026 20:11

Laurennnworld · 17/05/2026 19:48

He replied - a really long, almost gushing message. How he has never felt like this before about someone, how much he enjoyed meeting my parents and how he can picture asking my DF for his blessing to propose to me in the future. He said that because we’ve got something special then he can absolutely forgo his kink in our relationship and he has managed absolutely fine without it so far.

Then, a few minutes later, he sent me another message. In this, he asked me if I’d have any issue if he was to see a ‘mistress’ to indulge this from time to time. He said this is strictly non sexual, they are fully clothed, no touching and means absolutely nothing beyond fulfilling the kink. He sent me screenshots from this woman’s website where there’s FAQ’s, which outline what he said above. He said his longest term ex (3 years) had no issue with this at all.

I really do fucking despair at this point. I would have given him a chance after the first message I think. But not now. I feel degraded 😷

OMG he’s horrible. Is this what the dating pool is like these days?! You can do better than this. No wonder he was available and hadn’t had any takers so far.
No wonder so many lovely women choose to stay single when this is what’s on offer.
You deserve 1000x more than this. He’s grim.

Kizmet1 · 17/05/2026 20:07

He's let you invest a lot of time and emotional energy before chucking in potentially non-negotiable deal-breaker.
I have a kink (nothing wild, but it is a huge part of my sexual identity) and I have always brought it up before my first sexual experience with a potential partner. It was never an issue, but if they had recoiled or laughed or said that it wasn't for them, then we'd both know we were not going to be compatible long term. Hiding it for 8 months would feel sneaky somehow.

Ginandpanic · 17/05/2026 20:07

He can see her as much as he likes, because it will have nothing to do with you.
The entire man needs to get in the bin.

I had been dating someone for a couple of months when he revealed his kink, and that was the end of that. I think he should have told you much sooner, he’s wasted your time.
Sorry OP, there are nice men out there.

Build5bear · 17/05/2026 20:06

ComedyGuns · 17/05/2026 14:05

He says “he’d struggle to go without longer term”!!

FGS!! I totally agree with PPs who said this is manipulative language.

I really don’t think I could have a relationship with someone who would “struggle” if they weren’t provided with a particular sexual act on a regular basis.

It’s his horrid entitlement more than any kink that would put me off. Can you imagine a woman saying this nonsense to a man?

This nails it. “Struggle” without his anal. Massive ick. Throw this one back.

BunnyLake · 17/05/2026 20:04

At least this is a very easy No thank you, goodbye! (Then block).

The difficult bit is realising he’s not who you hoped he was, but you are at least fortunate he didn't reveal his kink on your wedding night!

BuckChuckets · 17/05/2026 19:58

And if you say yes, you'd be fine with him seeing her, what's the betting it would turn out he's already been seeing her behind your back?

Beachtastic · 17/05/2026 19:57

Oh Jesus OP!!!!!!!

At least he's come out with it now and not after 5 years of marriage.

Bullet dodged.

He and his bumhole can run off happily into the sunset together, and you get the chance to meet someone nice.

Arlanymor · 17/05/2026 19:56

WallaceinAnderland · 17/05/2026 19:53

Even the first message is a massive red flag.

Quite - first post is latent love bombing and future faking... and then to follow it up with that utter tosh. First message says he can forgo and second message says that he actually can't and I can I actually cheat on you with someone on the side... and reiterating that his ex was cool with it. Bet she wasn't, bet that is why she is an ex.

I am so sorry he's doing this to you, but it is the best gift - imagine being married to someone like this? He needs to get in the bin, now.

WallaceinAnderland · 17/05/2026 19:55

When your parents ask why you broke up, please tell them, just to see the look of horror on their faces. It will reassure you that you've done the right thing.

AllBranGirl · 17/05/2026 19:55

he asked me if I’d have any issue if he was to see a ‘mistress’ to indulge this from time to time.

Bless 🤣

Popsicalpop · 17/05/2026 19:54

And I don’t like they way he’s saying ex had no problem with it
well if she was so fine and dandy he’d still be with her wouldn’t he
get more manipulation
yuk

Popsicalpop · 17/05/2026 19:53

He’s wasted your time, tried to trick you by meeting the parents etc
But at least you know now

just bin him nothing to be saved here

outerspacepotato · 17/05/2026 19:53

asking my DF for his blessing to propose to me in the future.

That misogynistic, patriarchal bs would be the end for me. I don't belong to anyone and him playing to that antiquated ownership, 🤮. What a turnoff.

He's sure rushing things. And that message about having a peg mistress, 🤡. I am sorry you've had a bad run. I think you're going to have to really communicate very openly about sex early on, including whether kink is ok for you or not.

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 17/05/2026 19:53

Laurennnworld · 17/05/2026 19:48

He replied - a really long, almost gushing message. How he has never felt like this before about someone, how much he enjoyed meeting my parents and how he can picture asking my DF for his blessing to propose to me in the future. He said that because we’ve got something special then he can absolutely forgo his kink in our relationship and he has managed absolutely fine without it so far.

Then, a few minutes later, he sent me another message. In this, he asked me if I’d have any issue if he was to see a ‘mistress’ to indulge this from time to time. He said this is strictly non sexual, they are fully clothed, no touching and means absolutely nothing beyond fulfilling the kink. He sent me screenshots from this woman’s website where there’s FAQ’s, which outline what he said above. He said his longest term ex (3 years) had no issue with this at all.

I really do fucking despair at this point. I would have given him a chance after the first message I think. But not now. I feel degraded 😷

Fucking leg it hen. Block and move on. There are normal ones out there I promise.

WallaceinAnderland · 17/05/2026 19:53

Even the first message is a massive red flag.

HaveYouFedTheFish · 17/05/2026 19:53

CruCru · 17/05/2026 19:49

Oh blimey. Realistically this guy is not for you.

I'm not sure this guy is for anyone - not just the kink but the emotional game playing/ gass lighting. He doesn't even seem to be very good at it - surely the love bombing should have gone on for weeks before switching to dropping the bombshell demand she condone him using a paid mistress...