AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

Op this is ridiculous.
Im taking my DD abroad for half term. Do you think I have told her father anything? I have a court order, I don't require his permission, and I don't need to tell him anything. I may decide to tell him out of courtesy but I simply don't need to.
I think you're hugely overreacting.
DD and I have been to centre parcs, Cornwall, Devon, Wales with DD, just me and her in the car.. it wouldn't EVER occur to me to let her Dad know anything!

Huh? He literally has overnight trips every week, if you have shared custody!
by the age of four my son has travelled to Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Spain and Italy. Don’t baby him. It’s lovely that his dad had such a special treat for him.

Sorry - think you replied to the wrong poster.

read my post back. I never said he shouldn’t go away with him! The opposite in fact.

I then made a suggestion of what she can do.

Main carer? Your ex has his ds 3 full days/nights a week. That's a very committed parent who absolutely has the right to make decisions about his child during his contact time.

I agree that the exH purposefully didn’t tell OP about the trip beforehand. He would have known she’d flip her lid.

So nasty to see the bitterness emanating from her first post.

You are over reacting
I assume Ex has parental responsibility? If so he can take your DS away when it’s his turn to have him.He doesn’t need your permission
You could ask him to inform you but he’s not obligated to do so and really you should not try to interfere. It sounds like he’s caring for DS adequately and doing nice things with him . DS is old enough at 4 to spend time away from home with his family, it’ll do him no harm at all !

When you choose not to have weekends with your child, not least so you can relax childfree with your boyfriend, you can’t resent the child having fun outings with their other parent.

He knows how badly she reacted to a previous outing, he’d be mad to have told her about this one in advance. He definitely won’t tell her in future, not worth the mad drama and resentment.

He has his son every weekend and he has another child. Should they never go anywhere or do anything because OP has off hang ups about nights away being unsettling? What’s he supposed to do?

As co-parents I believe that you should co-operate with one another, and perhaps build some degree of a relationship with your ex to the point where you can actually discuss plans regarding your child.

There is no reason whatsoever why your ex should have to tell you what he's planning to do with your son, and as you kicked off last year it could well be that he didn't want to tell you incase you wanted to put the ky-bosh. However, it would make your world a much nicer place if you were able to communicate.

The only time it is your business is if he wants to take him abroad. He cannot do that without your permission

i think people are being a bit harsh.

the good old “unhinged” has even popped out! 🙄

I agree that both an equal parents and it’s great he’s had a good time with dad and family. OP may be feeling a bit jealous or worried?

but I can see how OP may feel if she’s just doing out her little one was far away (in her eyes) and she didn’t know. I’m lucky to live with my DH so don’t have to share kids - but I’d be devastated having to give them up for a few days and would worry about them. I think it’s the not knowing?

OP would you have been ok if you’d have known? Not suggesting he asks (because he can do what he wants within reason) but just lets you know?

I wonder if it’s worth having a chat and saying to him you feel a bit anxious - could he let you know if future if they’re going to be away for a night or more?

this may be more sensible and calm than getting angry.

I think it’s out of love.

Wow. You sound just as bad as OP.

I'd say unhinged is being polite, I'd say completely batshit!

You don’t own DS. He’s your JOINT son and your ex can take him away if he wants, assuming there’s no backstory. I’m guessing there’s some jealousy here from you that they took him away but that’s on you 🤷‍♀️

Bonkers and controlling. Sounds like his father is the main parent. You enjoy your weekend relaxing eh.
Think we can see why you're an ex

Ordinarily I’d agree but the posts from OP have me suspecting it’d be not worth the hassle

I think she wants DS to be away from her so she can 'relax' but would like him to remain in statis during that time because it makes her jealous for him to experience things to without him.

It makes me think of a poster I once saw saying that they intended to keep their 7 yo home from a school trip to the panto because they didn't want to miss out on the child's first theatre trip. But they had no intention of taking her themselves.

The chill time with the partner is besides the point; taking 30 secs to send a text saying ‘fyi DS and I will be in XXX this weekend’ isn’t a ridiculous request. Imagine, one day, the police turn up at her door saying there’s been a terrible accident involving her son and his father hiking up a mountain in Scotland (or on a ride at Drayton Manor) when she thought he was ten minutes down the road? They just need to come to a civil mutual agreement to inform each other of where the child will be.

He has his DS for most of the leisure time, it’s going to increase when he goes to school, so she can relax with her partner. I’d tell her to assume that we’d be away a lot as that’s what you do with leisure time with DC. She’d understand if she took turns.

You're not the main parent in the eyes of the law. You get the CB because in a marriage 1 person claims it, 99% of the time it's mom, as they give forms out in hospital. If you were still married would you say you were the main parent because CB was in your name? Of course not.
As for CM, that's awarded and is not necessarily anything to do with who has the most nights. My son has 50/50 custody, absolute split down the middle 7 days out of 14, but pays CM because he earns more than his ex.
I think your ex should have told you his intention to take his son on a trip, purely as a matter of courtesy, but as to needing your permission, absolutely 100% not. Your child has a present father who is involved in his life, you should count your blessings instead of stirring up resentment.

Playing devil’s advocate here, I feel like the OP was probably worried that she didn’t know of her son’s whereabouts and if something had happened to him, she might not have been able to easily get to him. What if he’d fallen ill and OP had had a drink thinking he was up the road and couldn’t drive the three hour trip? Or some dangerous incident happened in the area the dad lives and she worried her son might be affected when he was actually in another town?

Having said that, I agree with PPs who said the father doesn’t need to ask permission but the parents should calmly have a chat about emergency situations. Demanding permission is unreasonable, a courtesy message to say they’ll be away and broad location details in case of emergencies isn’t.

He isn't obliged to tell you or ask you, but I really do think you should inform each other about those kind of plans if there is any kind of healthy communication at all left in the coparenting relationship. It would be good if you could get to a place where those kind of plans are communicated, without it being some kind of power struggle.

I think he’s too young for overnight trips

This is ridiculous.

I wonder how much maintenance he's paying to enable her not to work. As DS is 4, she won't be entitled to UC if she's not seeking work.

Good god. Get a grip woman!

DW I am a shit mum too. When exDH takes DS abroad to visit family, I <gasp> encourage it, pay towards his flights, chuck him some spending money and give them lifts to the airport. It’s almost like I want my DS to have wonderful memories of visiting his family over there whom he loves.

What happens on their parenting time is not your concern. Only exception: Leaving the country.