AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

This is bananas.

Why would he need permission to take his son away overnight? Why would a night away be unsettling or more so than a holiday?

You aren’t the “main parent” just because you have DS more than your ex does or at least it doesn’t give you authority over what he does.

I think this is so sad because your DS was clearly so excited about his night away, and now you’ve crapped all over that by getting angry. You’ve also made it less likely your ex will do nice things with him in future, which can only be to the detriment of your son.

I wouldnt make conflict over this.
If SM is good and kind to your DS you have got a good situation. Your ex is paying maintenance.
Not all families have this mix. Maybe say that you would have liked to know so that you could talk about it and be excited about it.

Only by 1 night a week, it’s not like he only sees him a few hours every fortnight 🙄
if I was him I’d be going full 50:50 to stop the controlling - and you’d lose your free weekend nights every week too!

Well, this is the opposite of so many threads, where the ex moves on and deprives the existing child of time and experiences. It sounds like he is fully welcome in and part of both families, which is lovely and as it should be.

You are completely overreacting and everything you’ve said is unreasonable. Poor kid. At least he has a reasonably sensible father. The trip sounds like great fun.
However I suspect you’ll spend his childhood arguing about nothing and creating issues where there are none. Please get some therapy, this isn’t a healthy way to behave.

YABU - He is 4 and you think he isn’t old enough to stay away for a night?! This is a you issue and is entirely not a normal thought. Unless he has issues you haven’t mentioned I find this very odd. And no his dad should not need permission to take him away in his time. Just like you shouldn’t need permission to take him somewhere in the country during your time

You are overreacting but if you approached the situation differently it might work out better for both of you. Accept that at 4 years old your dc is quite capable of been taken away on overnight trips, (especially as he is spending nights in different places with each parent every week), but just ask your ex for your peace of mind please could he just let you know. And when he does reply thanks for the heads up have a great time.

That is all that is required here.

Did you tell your ex when you went on holiday? Also would this not have infringed on his time if you went away for longer?

I think YABU and it is great that he is making sure he includes both his children in activities. Imagine he had taken his other son and gone when your son isn't there, you would then have been moaning he has no interest in him and that he isn't including him.

It's his time with his son and really he can do what he wants.

Whoa what do you mean “as the main parent”?

You are co parents.

I say this kindly as i am sharing custody and it hurts having to “hand over” your DC but YABVU and a bit controlling AND you are not doing yourself any favours here in terms of encouraging the communication you would like, in future.

You are being ridiculously unreasonable.

Your child’s father has parental responsibility- of course it’s reasonable for him to provide days out and holidays during his contact time.

It’s no wonder he didn’t tell you if this is typical of your responses.

If he is an unsafe / neglectful parent then that’s a different story, but then you would have bigger issues to deal with.

I think you are in the wrong and massively over reacting. He likely didn’t tell you as you over reacted when he told you about a trip to Cadbury World. Perhaps discuss with your lawyer what the legal position is you are clear what is allowed and what is not.

That is not what the law says at all. Your ex pays maintenance because your DC is resident with you more nights than your ex.

You require his permission to take your DC out of the country same as he does. Neither of you require permission to go for a trip in the UK on your time with your DC.

You are massively overreacting.

what on earth were you kicking off about a day trip to Cadbury World for? Your ex doesn’t need to detail his movements to you anymore than you do to him.

Main parent - you have very similar amount of time. You both are parents here.

Why would your 4yo be too young for overnight trips with their parent? Noone is too young for that, just some parents want to (and have means to) do it, and some are more comfortable around home.

He doesn't have the duty to ask your permission, unless he wants to go abroad.
Getting nuclear won't make him.
You can try to calm down and politely ask whether he would be able to let you know (even by a sms when leaving), but unless you see active specific danger (your child being alergic to chocolate going for a weekend into a Chocolate world), the only answer you can use (if you want to be informed the next time) is "thanks for letting me know"

YABU. He did a lovely trip with his ds. Yes it might have been nice if you'd been told but certainly you have no say in if they go or not. You sound like you have some issues to resolve around hyper vigilance with your ds. Accept what everyone is telling you.

Unhinged is a bit harsh. The concern comes from a good place, it’s just that the op needs to realise the dad has as much say as she does.

You sound bitter that your son had a lovely short break with his dad. You’re not entitled to know what plans he’s made for HIS time with his own son.

When step mum's talk in forums like this about the ex causing trouble for the dad, and a lot of people don't believe them.... I'm sorry but you are sounding just like the lunatic 'ex' in this situation.
My partner has one. Absolutely deluded.

This
I don’t see what the issue is here at all it sounds a lovely thing to do.
lots of dads once they separate - especially if they go on to have more kids - can check out and not bother but this is a lovely weekend giving your son a lovely time.
Your ex just wanted to treat him.

I think most people would just be happy their child had a nice time and is integrated in with his dad's second family. He doesn't need your permission to take the DC away in the UK on his time.

You have your child 4 nights and your ex has him 3 so not much difference
You may have diffrent ideas about how to parrnt your son
But you dont get to tell your ex what to do on his time.

You sound unhinged OP, he can decide what to do on his time with DS as much as you can. If anything before school constraints is the perfect time for trips like this, it sounds like he had a great time.

As an aside, I’d be seriously reconsidering that childcare split, once your DS is in school
you'll have no quality time with him at all.

Do you not want your son to have lovely experiences and memories, or do you just not like that its with his Dad, Stepmum and sibling?
He could have let you know but he does not need your permission.

There is no such thing as main parent law in the UK.

Sorry, you lost me at a 4 year old being too young for overnight trips. My kids had been on lots by that age, including abroad. The fact that he went and had a good time means that he is not to young! You sound very controlling.

You don't get CM for being the 'main parent'
You get CM for having your son 4/7 compared to your Ex's 3/7/
Your need for control here is gobsmacking