AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

YABVU. I think it would be nice if he told you where there were going but he doesn’t have to ask your permission. If I were you I would do my best to maintain an open line of communication with your ex, you run the risk of alienating him. Keep things amicable, trust and respect your exs right to parental autonomy.

I can see why he is an ex if you're that controlling and jealous.

You should be happy your child had such a lovely time with his paternal family.

So you would rather spend weekends with your partner than your child but you don’t want your child to have experiences at the weekends either?

If you’ve agreed a plan whereby your ex has all of the weekends then you’re simply going to have to accept that he will do more days out and trips away than you do.

And the more often you react like this the less likely he is to tell you.

i just hope you didn’t show any annoyance or anger to your DS and spoil his fun weekend.

You aren’t really the “main” parent though are you?
you only have your son marginally a few more hours than your ex each week. You are co-parenting and a 4 year old absolutely can (and should) go for overnight breaks

you would be far better to develop a more civilised relationship with your ex and his wife so that they bring this stuff up in normal chit chat conversation and where they can trust you not to blow your top or criticise their plans.

It's clear from your posts why you and your ex don't have the kind of relationship where he could and would tell you things in advance. He's an equal parent, and it's on him what happens on his time (obviously there are exceptions to this).

Both me and my ex keep each other updated what we're doing with our son, trips, holidays, activities etc, but that's because we communicate well and have a good co-parenting relationship.

Main parent that doesn’t have your child at the weekend so you can relax with your partner?
Sounds like he had a lovely weekend and such a shame he has to come home to a furious and jealous mum.

I think he should tell you if he takes him away on overnight trips. Not to ask for permission as per se, but as a matter of courtesy, because you are his main parent.

So, you see you kid in the mornings and evenings and then relax with your partner at the weekend after being home all day during the week. Meanwhile your ex is working 12 hour days, paying you CM, and parenting all weekend?

You need to relax. You are almost 50:50 and he is being a good dad and paying CM.
It would be nice if he told you he was going away but not required. If he or you take him overseas then yes he does need to tell you and vice versa but in this country - no.

If you are this antagonistic things are not going to go well in the long term and your son will suffer. You can think what you like and your EX can think what he likes but you are coming across as neurotic and over controlling.

Before and after school equates to about 4 hrs a day max of meals, getting ready, homework, reading, bath, bedtime routine. I definitely wouldn’t be giving up all weekends with my child for ‘quality time with my partner’. It will result in him feeling much more part of his dad’s family unit if all quality family time is spent there.

So he actually spends more time with his son than you do, and you have the audacity to call yourself the main parent?

So your Ex will actually have more quality time with your son under this arrangement.

Will you class him as the 'main parent' then?

I do think it would be polite of your child’s dad to let you know the plans that they have when your DS is going to be away overnight. But I wonder whether if he thinks your reaction is going to be to refuse, that is why he didn’t tell you.

I can understand your feeling about not wanting your little boy to be that far away from you, but in terms of it being appropriate or not for an overnight trip, lots of parents will be doing similar things with their children and the children will be fine. Possibly even easier to manage at an age they will just nap in the car.

I was wondering if there is some annoyance on your part as you have the weekdays care with all the routine, but his dad gets to do the fun parts?

This is your opinion on it.
Your Ex has a different one.
If Ex is planning on taking DS aboard, then yes I'd expect you both to discuss it. Same as if you were.
4/7 nights away in the UK again a conversation.
An over night trip during Exs regular days nope nothing to do with you. If there is an emergency he DS is with his Dad and SM they will deal with it and inform you accordingly.

What EX does in his regular time is what he does. You can't control it and have no say, its a hard pill to swallow I know.
Be grateful your DS has a Dad with a stable partner. My DS went where ever his Dad's cock was lodging that week - and I had no say as it was his time.

Wonders if this is rage bait:
I get weekends to relax with my partner.

So in many ways, he’s going to be the main parent as he will probably look after him more hours than you do (bearing in mind your DS will be at school for such a lot of your time with him).

TBH this is the bit I wouldn’t like in your shoes, I can’t imagine having no weekend time with my kids.

Edited to reflect that I can now see he hasn’t started school yet

You really are over acting. I understand it is hard to know that DS is havjng a ice away from you, and the fact that your ex didn’t tell you anything suggests that communication isnt great, but honestly, he’s stepping up and including DS in family trips! Don’t ruin it for DS with any negative emotions and maybe ask your ex to share photos of these trips with you. (This is how my ex and I do things, but it is amicable with a lot of communication about the kids).

I think it’s fine to want to be told if he’s been taken away somewhere but I don’t see how you need to give permission. He’s staying in the country not going off to a foreign country.

Why don't you work?

I just want to hug the little boy who’s had a great weekend, but now has come home to a furious mum .
he will know that you are mad and think it’s his fault.
the churning in this tummy I can feel from here.

it’s a shame you’re jealous that you didn’t go.

I bet he never talks of his weekend trip again and feels bad whenever he remembers it.

Well I can see why he didn’t tell you in advance, you obviously would have put a dampener on it for absolutely no reason

You’re being massively unreasonable. Your exH sees his son 4 days of the week. He plays an equal role in raising him.

Be happy that your son has an involved father that gives him wonderful experiences.

I opened this expecting it to be “Ex usually has our son Thursday to Sunday but instead took his other child to the Thomas hotel and excluded our son”. In that scenario you would have had something to whinge about!

I think it's reasonable to want to know what they will be up to for your own peace of mind. Driving some distance and staying overnight, theme park rides etc. if you saw the news and it was a crash 80 miles away or a child injured at theme park (unlikely and hopefully never a reality) you'd never know it could be your child unless you know where they are and what they're up to. He shouldn't have to ask permission but he should let you know for sure.