AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

Agreed. Dad is working while you stay at home. And in term time, all you’ll see of your child is school day routine. Your current arrangement means you get no weekend down time with your child to have fun.
Your child may have less time in your ex’s care than in yours, but most of your time they’ll be at school or asleep!

Your words have brought back some painful memories of my childhood.

Even while they were still married, my mother was jealous and resentful of any quality time I spent with my father.

Dad was a champion chess player and taught me to play chess. I won the children's championship and Dad the adult's championship of big chess tournament we entered when I was eleven. We got a lot of attention from friends and family and the local (and even one national) newspapers.

Mother pretended to be pleased, but found ways to punish me. It would not have been obvious to others, but I knew why I was being punished and believed I was a bad person.

She hated the fact that we had a shared interest that didn't involve her and hated the attention we got after winning that tournament. She made me feel guilt and shame instead of pride and never played chess again.

My Dad left her when I was 18. I am pleased to say he continued to play and enjoy chess until his death five years ago.

Mother undoubtedly thought she had "won" when she stopped me playing chess (and all the other hateful things she did to my father and me), but she is now a bitter and lonely old woman. I have had minimal contact with her for the last ten years.

I loved my father with all my heart and miss him every day. I still feel guilty for giving up chess even though mother gave me no choice. We spent a lot of time together before his death and I know he never blamed me, but that doesn't stop the guilt or put the shine back on something precious I shared with Dad.

You sound really controlling - under the guise of being worried. You may be the resident parent but you and your ex share parental responsibility. Don’t make this awkward for your son and his Dad or you may well give your child x ammunition to have your son‘s primary residence reversed.

Don’t be jealous - try and focus on having a lovely time with your child when he’s with you.

I have NOT read full thread so ignore if someone has commented on this.
I would be more concerned that he has him EVERY weekend - have I read that right?

You will have no fun times with him if you only have the week with him with homework etc and ex will become fun dad.

It is absolutely none of your business what his dad does when he has his contact . You frankly sound a bit unhinged thinking a 4 yo shouldn’t spend the odd night away . You may have your son for more hours in a week but that doesn’t give you more rights to make parenting decisions .

Your child spends more time with their father and step mother. They mainly parent your child.

They work so give your child more opportunities and experiences. You don’t work when your child is school and entertain your partner every weekend. Clear to see who has the child as a priority.

Interfering with that is only about your issues not prioritizing your child’s wellbeing.

We have gone on holiday before yes but I think a single night or 2 in a hotel unsettles a child’s routine at such a young age.
Absolute nonsense!!!
I used to take mine for an overnight at a Premier Inn for a weekend away loads at that age. Often dad didn't come but it was an adventure for the dc.

You are being unbelievably ridiculous.
There are stories of so many deadbeat dads on here and yet we have one that takes his child to a place kids love and he is still in the wrong!

If you had him a full day every weekend then u can do these things with him? But your time with your son, is from Sunday afternoon to thurs morning; so in term time, this period will be the getting ready for school/winding down after school periods. There seems to be no window for proper ‘leisure time’ together?

I worry if you carry on like this that your resentment will build, as of course the dad is going to take DS on days out etc more frequently, as he has him every weekend, whereas you only have the time in the school holidays.

Being in receipt of Child Benefit and Child Maintenance payments doesn't mean you get to dictate how dad spends his time with his child. To quote yourself you've taken your child on holiday yourself so clearly he has spent overnight stays away from home-so a few nights away in a hotel will unsettle your child's routine but a weeks holiday away from home doesn't? Jesus Christ make your mind up it's not one rule for you and another for dad...or is that different because the apparently "main parent" has given him the holiday? You sound unhinged

You have an absolute cheek taking child maintenance when you see your child far less than his dad does. I doubt you'd be given that in court given the 50/40 split you have. I bet you'd disrupt contact though if he didn't pay. You seem that way at least. I'm always 99% on the side of the mum in these situations but your tantrum about this is ridiculous

You are being very inflexible with your child’s routine!!!

I think people who wish to coparent should share information about their child. And I think it's polite for your ex to notify you that he plans to take your child away on holiday, but he doesn't need your permission to do so, especially as it was just a local trip. Despite him never asking, I always tell me ex in advance what my holiday plans with our child are, and I send him flight details and address details for where we're staying, as I just think it's the right thing to do.

I fundamentally disagree with your view that young children shouldn't spend a night away from home because it in some way unsettles them, but horses for courses on that point.

That pretty much sums it up!

So you never have your child at a weekend? Have never taken him on a wee trip and your ex will have him Thurs, Fri, Saturday I to Sunday going forward so you can 'have weekends to relax with your partner's?

Yet you shouted at his dad for spending quality time with him?
The aemfishness

He's clearly not too young for trips away, especially in the same country! He had a great time .Why on earth would he be too young?

I’m more going to question as to why you don’t work?!

Will that not change when he starts school though?

I wouldn’t want to be missing every weekend with my child once he was in school Monday - Friday…

He doesn't have to get your permission, your residence arrangements make him the primary carer, if anything. It's great that he's making sure his son is fully integrated with his new family and not left out or 'moved on' from, like so many men do.

In your shoes I would certainly appreciate knowing where my child was, if away from home and would ask nicely to be given a heads up in advance. I would not be freaking out, throwing my weight around and making myself look massively unreasonable. It could be thats the reason why he doesn't tell you, perhaps in the belief you will be obstructive.

You should be happy that your child is being cherished and enjoying treats like this, especially since you can't be bothered taking him away and prefer to spend your time with your partner, rather than your own child.

I'm wondering this one too..they practically have a 50/50 arrangement. Neither one of them is a "main parent"

Why is he too young for you to take him away overnight? Mine were being taken on trains and ferry's for overnights at my sister's houses with me my whole mat leave and beyond.

You need to get a life

As a matter of courtesy and from a practical perspective for packing appropriate clothing, I would HOPE my ex mentioned it but he has no requirement to do so.

If he was planning on taking my DS abroad, I would expect to be told but otherwise no. I think you are overstepping here but can understand the surprise.

I call BS on this.

That would be a good way to address it with your ex and ask him to let you know or you can ask what their plans are when you drop him off

I don’t agree it wouldn’t have fun for your boy and he would have enjoyed it - what a lovely thing to do altogether

he doesn’t need your permission as he is a parent too - I think telling him this will crush him a bit - he obv really loves him

You're being very unreasonable here. What dad does on his time is actually none of your business and you do not get to police his time. Would you accept it if your ex kicked off at everything you do with your child that he doesn't necessarily approve of? I guess you wouldn't because you're the "main parent" and are apparently the only one who doesn't need to seek permission or approval for how you spend your time with your child. You clearly trust dad to look after the child you share and if you have a very good reason not to trust him then you have no business packing your child off with him to get a break for half of the week. So I'm going to make a good assumption that your ex has given you no real reason to distrust him. Don't be ridiculous it's not for you to dictate how dad spends his weekends with his child