AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

You're batshit.

Why don't you take your child on nights away?

At 4 he can clearly cope.

All I read there was you don’t take him anywhere and you don’t want anyone else to take him anywhere either.

You have far too much time on your hands. A job might sort out that overactive imagination.

We had travelled all over the world before DC was 4, of course overnight trips are fine. People go all over the place. Hotels are full of small children.
No issues with settling back into routines or even keeping routines while on a trip.
I think you are missing out on some fun activities with this rule.
And I think out of courtesy it would be good for Ex to say he was planning a trip, but if you were going to say no and he knew that then i can see why he didn't let you know.
If you are gojng to coparent without conflict then you are going to have to be a bit more chilled out about the overnight trip thing.

OP surely you understand that once your DS starts school you’ll barely see him under this childcare arrangement? But you want weekends to relax with your partner? That makes his dad the main parent…

Or will you revisit the arrangement once he starts school?

Presumably both parents can ring each other

It would be good if he told you they'd be hrs away but he doesn't need to ask.

You need to make sure you communicate in a reasonable way do it doesn't encourage him to keep you in the dark.

Then a parent is there to take care of DS.

Ok it would have been better that he told you in advance as the distance has obviously concerned you. In future that’s a conversation to have “just to let you know on x weekend we will be at z” however this works both ways. Op your son is possibly going to have more fun at dad’s house if he spends every weekend there as after school there is only so much you can do before bedtime. I would reassess this as relaxing with your partner could occur eow.

He definitely doesn’t need permission but it would have been nice of him to give you a heads up about where they were going. I’d find it odd if DC dad took them away somewhere and didn’t mention it. Would you have objected if he’d asked you beforehand?

It might be helpful to stop calling him 'my ex' and think of him as your son's father.

It sounds as if your son has two involved parents and also two involved step-parents, which is great - he is lucky.

It might also be an idea to get involved with something once your son starts school - volunteering maybe if you don't need to work. It's good for children to see self-sufficient parents who have their own lives outside the home.

Well that's good that you've set the legal position as being definitive on determining the rules of co-parenting.

In the eyes of the law he doesn't have to tell you this information, so surely you should be accepting of that fact as being reasonable.

I would be pleased that ds is being included in family life with his dad, half sister and her mum. You see so many threads on here where step child is excluded. I'd find this far more painful. I would like to know in advance and see photos though, as it is lovely knowing our little ones are enjoying themselves, when not with us.

Honestly you sound like a controlling nightmare!
You’re the “main parent” 😂 yet he is with his Dad for almost half the week where you “enjoy relaxing with your new partner”
I honestly feel really sorry for his Dad who sounds like he has a lovely stable family environment that your son enjoys being in.
You should honestly count yourself lucky that your son has such a great Dad and get over being so controlling and jealous sounding yourself.

There are 7 days in a week, so 4 and 3 nights is as even as it gets. Additionally only one parent can get the child benefit and it is normally the mother. It took two of you to make your son and the two of you share the responsibility of bringing him up. Given the number of threads on here about absent or neglectful exes, you should be glad your ex is stepping up to be a good father like this.

I agree with this, and I am 99.9% on the side of the mother usually

He doesn’t need your permission unless he takes him out of the country which he can’t do without the passport.
you could politely ask him to keep you in the loop so that you can be aware if he’s extra tired or slmtbing but really it’s not your business.
why don’t you want to see your child at weekends? You have a right to ask for every other weekend so you get quality time too xx

You might not like this, but there is no such thing as a ‘main parent’ it is 50:50. He is spending precious time with his dad and you should be supporting this, however you feel personally

So your ex is either working long hours or caring for your son? You do breakfast and bedtimes 4 nights a week or will when your son goes to school (as it’s ‘best for everyone’) but otherwise are ‘relaxing’?

Your ex pays for your son’s maintenance costs when he’s with you but you don’t when he’s with his Dad…+you get all the child related benefits and opt not to work yet you’re kicking off when his hard working, hands on Dad who doesn’t seem to have any time in that schedule takes him somewhere amazing?

Main parent of the year 👏 🏆 🙄

If your son's dad has PR then he can do what he likes with him when in his care. Get use to it, you're not in control of his time, he is his dad ffs 🙄

Your son stays with his day so in that time his dad doesn't have to justify nights away to you. You haven't said if he isn't keeping to the arrangement and returning your son to later than agreed. If not, chill out. Be thankful your son is being so well looked after and included with his half sibling on nights and days away. You have no idea how luvky your son is and how lucky you are.

Get yourself a hobby.

"The main parent" hmm, come on. Doesn't he got to nursery? If so, your ex actually spends more time with him than you do.
He doesn't need to ask your permission, or even tell you, that he's going away for a few nights. Why would he? It's him time to spend as he wishes.
And it's ridiculous to say a 4 year old is too young to spend a night in a hotel.

I can understand why your ex didn’t tell you!

There are a few things going on here. Firstly, you need to accept that your ex is your son’s father and he’s an equal parent with parental rights and responsibilities. He can take his child wherever he wants during his time with him. He doesn’t need to discuss it with you or get your approval because he’s the child’s father.

Secondly, at 4 years old your DS is more than old enough to go on holidays. He’s told you he had a lovely time meeting Thomas. Why do you think it would unsettle him staying somewhere different?

Thirdly, have you ever had any counselling for your anxiety? It isn’t normal to want to have so much control over the time a young child spends with their other parent. My husband’s ex was similar and it’s affected their (now adult) children very badly. The only comment that you should have made to both your DS and your ex is ‘I’m so glad you had a nice time’

Your overreacting. He can do what he wants with his son on his time. Obviously if they were leaving the country it would be different. Would you ask his permission to do the same with your son?

I accidentally clicked on you are not being unreasonable but I think you are. He has your son almost 50% of the time and is an equal parent. It's ridiculous to suggest your son is too young to go away for a night away it holiday. How do you support you and your son if you don't work?