Step-parent support in old age

Hindsight is a great thing, but you shouldn't have accepted the funeral bill, OP. Funerals should be paid for out of the deceased person's estate and if your dad's wife was executor she should have arranged this.
Would your dad have wanted you to help her? That might make a difference to what you do. I think it would be kind to keep in touch with her, but there's no reason to feel you need to take responsibility. I say this as a stepmother in fairly similar circumstances; I would wish my stepchildren well and want to hear from them occasionally, but I wouldn't expect them to do anything much for me after DH died.

Also I expect my stepsons to cut me off when my husband dies

I've more or less dropped my step dad since my mum died (he has got a daughter though)

Certainly wouldn't take her on. By all means keep a relationship so she and the DC can enjoy each other's company, but don't reply to messages asking you to sort things out for her.

Drop her like the proverbial brick. I did with my father's wife. He passed five years ago and from the day of the funeral I have never seen her again. She is an absolute witch. I owe her nothing (and I won't see any inheritance either because she gaslight my father into doing a mirror will).

I would try to connect her with old people groups eg learn to use a computer session at the library. Explain to her why. Then if she refuses then I’d write to her with advice on where she can get help as you can’t do it for her. If you’re really worried about her ability to care for her you could call adult social care and ask her to do an assessment.

I could have written this myself. I have a similar history with my own SM but the difference is my dad is still alive. If he goes first then I won't be staying in contact with her. She has been a source of strain since she entered my life and made it clear she resented me when I was a teenager and I'm not letting that marr my life for one moment longer than necessary.

On the other hand, I have an amazing relationship with my step dad and consider him a really good friend. I would help him if needed me.

I think you need to do some hard reflecting on what role your dad played in allowing this woman to be unkind to you because you seem to be carrying around an unnecessary burden of obligation towards someone you don't like.

Like PPs said, she's lining you up to be her carer so you need to be very clear what you will and won't do because I suspect she will definitely test your boundaries.

Don't be driven by guilt for something you didn't chose and had no power to control.

If you're prepared to be her carer if she gets to be 85 or 90 or 95 and very frail, stick at it. If not, time to say goodbye.

There's no reason she can't learn to shop online or order taxis or make meals. When she has to, she'll make an effort. You don't owe her a thing.

Did you father have a will??

Im afraid I don’t think much of your father for leaving this situation for you to handle. He could have prepaid his funeral, left a will, all sorts of things. You are where you are, but I would be moving to a very low key contact ‘family friend’ contact with this lady. I’d stick to Christmas and birthday cards, answering calls when you get them, stuff like that.

As a health professional I certainly would t assume that an adult stepchild would be the person to be in touch with about someone’s care. I guess she may have you down as her next of kin, but that has no legal status, and you can refuse a carer’s responsibility.

She’s lining you up to be her carer. Run for the hills. You have nothing to feel bad about. It starts with a few ‘can you just…’ and it ends with you being the go to for absolutely everything in her life. Do not allow yourself to become her first person on call. Step way way back now.

She’s not really your problem. 20 years ago when you were young, she showed you what sort of woman she was.

I get your guilt, I am the closest to my step father ( he has a son but no contact in over 30 years), I don't really like him but feel an obligation to him, so speak every 10 days or so, nok with doctors and see him every 3 months or so ( I live over 3 hrs away), I have had this level of contact for over 15 years and I imagine, I will continue until he dies. It's not easy just cutting someone out and he is the only GP my ds has ever known, even if he is a pretty poor one.

I don't think you need to feel guilty at all OP! She obviously didn't feel any duty to behave in a kind and supportive way to you when you were a CHILD, as any decent adult taking on the role of step parent should. She actually damaged your relationship with your father. So shame on her. She is not entitled to your support now, no more than what you might offer to a distant aunt, if that.

Your father was obviously at fault too, in allowing it to happen. They didn't own property, but were you left anything at all when he died, even a keepsake to remember him? Or just the bill for the funeral?

You are a good kind person OP, and I'm sorry that with your mum gone you don't have any support from the generation above you, when you're only in your thirties. But I'm sure you are building a good close family of your own and will have better relationships with your own kids when they're grown.

It sounds like life is too short to waste time on someone that you don't like much.

Then it's entirely her own fault. I'd find a way to cease all contact immediately. She is still the same horrible lady.

You don't owe her anything. I'd take a step back and leave her to it.

Nope. She made it perfectly clear from the start and for a very long time that she does not care about you. You're just convenient, as proven by her outrageous behaviour over refusing to put her hand in her pocket for her own DP funeral.

Has she ever apologised for her abuse?

You owe nothing to this rude person. Don't be fooled.

It's really up to you how much support you feel you want to offer, but I wouldn't feel obligated to help financially or provide care. I'd possibly help make arrangements for her care if she becomes incapable of managing that herself, as I probably wouldn't be able to step back completely if she has no-one else. But that's a personal choice and you would have to balance what you are able to do with the needs of your own family who obviously come first.

I would have a conversation with her about money and say that it makes sense to plan and prepare now and make her pay for her funeral now, with a prepaid bond.

If there comes a time when you feel that care is needed, they’ll need full financial disclosure anyway and any money would be taken into account (I think it’s £23k they allow people to have in savings)

If it transpires that there is “savings” then I would physically say that paying for the funeral has left you and your family short (even if it hasn’t!!!) and that you had to borrow the money and you’d appreciate some back!!!!! What have you got to loose?!?!

In terms of the day to day practicalities I would be stepping back and not being as kind and available!!! X

You will just need to remain firm if a time like that comes. Tell the hospital you do not have time to take on a caring role and that they will need to get social services to do an assessment before they discharge her.

I'd maybe treat her like a distant aunt. You shouldn't get sucked into managing her life for her and it may be that you need to distance yourself to protect yourself from this. In my experience elderly people that don't have these people that rush to solve everything cope better anyway.