AIBU to suggest my elderly parents move to a more suitable home?

My parents also slowed down a lot between 75 and 80 and their health issues started to have a lot more impact. In their case they both got dementia which became notice at around 80 so they needed a lot more of my time.

My parents made their final move at ages 86 and 78 when they moved into a rented 2 bedroom Extra Care Housing apartment specifically for over 55s with health issues where there was a team of onsite carers, onsite management, a restaurant, residents lounge, hairdressers and church. It was a real community where they could live safely and supported within the development. And it was up north in a working class town and not ridiculously expensive.
https://www.housing21.org.uk/

They moved from a 2 bed flat they owned in another sheltered housing development that they lived in for 5 years (before that they were in their post retirement bungalow but it was isolating as they aged and got less active). Moving from an owned property into rented was easier as they moved into the new flat and I helped to get them settled and then helped them get their old flat ready to sell. It wasn’t as much of a big bang move as when you are in a house chain and have to fully vacate the owned property on moving day.

Maybe OP you could show them some details of some places you think would be more suitable for ‘when the time comes’ so they are able to look at them without feeling pressured to make a decision now. Then you can discuss pros and cons of staying, moving closer to you, living in an elderly community etc in an abstract way but it plants the seed and opens their minds instead of getting them immediately defensive about getting older and thinking you are saying they can’t cope.

And not far off from 80, which (in my experience from parents and in-laws) is when things start going pear shaped.

I’d just drop it into conversation next time they mention their health - i’d say why don’t you think about getting a bungalow closer to me as then I can pop round more often to help out etc, you’ll be closer to your GC. It seems people get stubborn as they get older so if its a no, you’ll have to leave them to it. Some people never move, but without a downstairs loo and on oxygen that’s hard. My dad was on oxygen and had a stair lift fitted and at the end, even getting from the bed to stair lift was hard.

Actually rereading your OP, why not try a different tack. Speak to your DF separately without your DM, say you’re concerned about her mobility and her health. Ask if they’ve thought about what they are going to do when she can’t get up the stairs any more. Don’t offer any solutions or suggestions at this point. See what he says. It may be that deep down he already knows that they will need to move, but that conversation needs to be surfaced, or he may not have given it any thought at all and he really does need to think about it.

Absolutely- sometimes health fails very quickly at this age, then the other parent’s health can be affected trying to manage to care for them in an unsuitable home. Can you frame it more in a ‘we’d love to spend more time with you/ you have more time with the kids whilst they are young? They’re growing and will probably want to do more activities and want you to be involved.’ It’s soul destroying pulling yourself in different directions to support ailing elders whilst your partner/ kids/ job need you. Generally hits whilst you’re going through peri/ possibly experiencing some health issues yourself, and can have a significant impact on your own health and wellbeing. If they won’t move, then have that conversation now about how much you will be able to support them, how able (financially and willing) they are to accept outside help if you can’t be there to support them more because of distance. Sort out wills/ POA/ knowing where/ who to contact for bills etc if your support is needed suddenly. Putting their heads in the sand at this stage just means that they are passing on to you the sometimes impossible job of trying to sort things out at some point in the future.

I think alterations (not now but when they actually need them, except maybe the loo as that can take longer) are more practical than moving house. Climbing the stairs several times a day could be the only form of exercise some people are getting, I’d not take them away. Put in handrails when they need it, stair lift later etc. Why disable people when you can make the space work for them?

OP - I went through the same thing 18 months ago. When my parents came to visit, it became apparent that my mum's motability issues worse than she led on.

I suggested that her (74) and dad (82) needed to consider downsizing, with a view of possibly moving closer to us. My dad was on board but mum took some to convince but she didn't like the new neighbours next door and the local area was getting more run down so they decided to move.

They went from a 3 bed Victorian terrace in East London to a 2 bed semi detached bungalow in the south west, 30 mins away from us. My mum's admitted she still doesn't feel totally settled but she doesn't regret making the move.

I'm just relieved that we were able to move them into a bungalow whilst they were still mobile.

I speak as somone with parents in their 90s, waiting until people are in their mid/late 70s to have this conversation - to start this conversation rather - is too late. you need to be discussing it when they are well and in their 60s just retired or about to retire. and whilst this feels too early for some, it really isnt. because you also need to have the powers of attourney conversation and the wills one as well as the organ donation. If you wait until parents are in their late 70s its a bloody horrible conversation to have. because speaking as someone nearing that age, we know that we are in Gods waiting room and dont need reminding of it. or of the fact that we might have to change where we live, who looks after us etc.

sit down first with your own kids, whatever your age, and talk to them about these issues. have you got a will, have you done your powers of attourney, is your house user friendly will you need to move now, 5 years, 10 years whatever, whats your plan. then speak to your parents and explain that you have done this with your kids and now you want to do it with them.

we signed our powers of attourney in our 50s with our kids. all done, signed sealed put in a drawer to forget about. same with our will. same with organ donation. we moved to a single storey house this year to take away the worry from them. make it clear to your parents what support you can offer them now and what you see yourself being able to offer going forward. get all the assumptions out in the open - so many friends found that their parents thought they would just move in with them.

getting old, frail and dying is part of life and needs to be out in the open and talked about regularly.

KeeleyJ

we did the same with my grandparents, I missed out on a lot of my teenage weekends going to stay with them, it irritated me at the time but as I got older I realised it must have meant so much to my parents to be able to be there for them as I will be there for my mum and was for my dad. There are people that say it’s not your responsibility etc- who cares, the people who looked after you as a child deserve to get help if they need it.

Op I live in fear of a phone call saying my mum has landed at the bottom of her stairs. We can’t afford to live in that area and she needs a bungalow or ground floor flat. We’re all trying to convince her to move down near us/ in with us

Lots of companies make stair lifts- you can get very slim-line ones these days.

I fear my parents have left it too late. They kept saying they would move then never did. They now have multiple health issues and are in a terraced house which is falling apart around them. It’s awful to watch but there is nothing we can do apart from keep asking them to do it.

If they have capacity to make their own decisions then you shouldn't leave them to decide themselves.
You can ask if they have ever thought about moving but you should respect their decison

I would definitely encourage them to think about moving sooner rather than later. My MIL recently died (younger than your parents) and needed oxygen too. By the time she decided she needed to move it was far too late and she deteriorated so quickly she had to move in with a family member who lived all on one level. It's better to not be looking for houses and packing etc when you are under pressure.

This may sound a bit mad OP, but i had a very helpful conversation with Copilot before bringing this exact issue up with my parents. I described both their personalities, the relationship dynamic and it really helped me with how to frame things. My Father has always been the man of the house, boarding school, sucessful business etc and it helped with wording suggestions so he would be more receptive. I am glad I did it before speaking to them. Good luck.

It is for some people. And the only way is down.

So far, all the ideas are based on variations of 'sooner of later you're going to get worse so you might as well move now'. No wonder they're not landing well. Maybe you could think about 'there's probably a lot you'd still like to be doing, holidays, hobbies, outings etc. This will get harder once you get to 80 if only because insurance will suddenly get very expensive. How about selling (or renting out) the house and moving (maybe temporarily) into rented retirement accommodation? That would free up some cash and also some time and energy because you wouldn't have to keep on top of things in the house.' I'm mid 70s and I'd certaily think about an argument put like that.

My husband's parents (70 and 80) are just about to upsize to a £2m house with an acre of land. Old house is a 5-bed, 4 ensuites and family bathroom.

Bonkers

My life was effectively ruined by my Grandad from the age of 11 until 16 when my Grandad was widowed. (Typical war generation man that had been waited on hand and foot by my Granny, could hardly make himself a piece of toast and definitely nothing that required a cooker, wouldn't even food shop for himself or go to the Post Office to collect his pension/pay bills, he had worked in a high profile job but couldn't do anything domestic).

Literally every Friday straight after school we (Mum, Dad, me) had to head off on the 80 mile journey to his house, stay all weekend and not get back until 10pm on the Sunday night. It totally destroyed my friendships as I had to stop all weekend sports and clubs, shopping with friends, normal teenage stuff etc.

As far as my Mum was concerned, she was doing her duty as a daughter and could not see the impact it had on me.

YANBU, but it needs to come from them else they'll end up depressed or worse. Broach the subject gently once or twice, then drop it if they’re not interested.

There are stair lifts you can get for narrow staircases etc. It’s not ideal, but the psychological harm of making them move should not be underestimated.

Change is always hard especially when must be a lot of memories tied to their home and I think there's an avoidance from fear to consider future health declining.

Apart from physical aspects if dementia creeps in, they rely heavily on familiarity and struggle with changes in environment so it would be beneficial to adjust to a new place/area sooner than leaving till absolutely necessary. We had to move furniture to make space for potential live in carer in rooms they barely spent any time in and it caused so much distress.

Thankfully my parents moved to a bungalow around 75 mainly because mum struggled to manage the steep terrace stairs, but it's not particularly local to me or siblings. When dad was was renovating it he didn't really plan for the older them either, i.e a wet room would've been easier for mum than trying to get walker frame round the shower fittings. Under counter Fridge so have to bend frequently, can't see what have easily. The stage of them needing extra care came suddenly and went downhill quickly, they've funds to able to outsource to carers and other help but they still have loads of appointments and household admin to manage.

You can raise it, no problem whatsoever in talking but it depends if they want to engage.

My parents were slow to adapt their (spacious) home, usually only reacting after a new difficulty had reared it's head but at least they did it (downstairs loo, wet room, riser chairs etc).
The only thing that there was no getting around was their huge garden (300ft) and my OH did most of their gardening in later years.

"I’m not sure a Stanna could be installed on the narrow stars. The only person i know has one has very wide stairs and it takes up the whole thing."

Stanna is only one manufacturer, there are still other options to you.
When the time came we had all the usual suspects (including Stanna) around but they all had the same solution, a modular stair lift that could be installed immediately but would block the top/bottom of the stairs to other people.
We then had a company who supply Flo stairlifts. These are bespoke so take some time to manufacture but the rail is much more discrete and can handle much tighter bends & angles. In my parents case, the chair "parked" around the corner several feet away from the stairs thereby leaving them completely unobstructed.
Of course the other option is a personal lift which is my preferred solution.

On the matter of stairlifts - you'd be surprised at the staircases they can be installed on!

I once visited someone is a tiny mews house where the staircase was very narrow and twisty, almost like a spiral staircase. The occupant was quite a tall chap and it was a bit of squeeze for his legs to be safely in place when the chairlift went round the bend but it was do-able

Fwiw you don't have to visit them weekly. As your DCs get older it's going to be almost impossible with the various clubs, activities etc
I'd start setting that up now by changing the odd week, "sorry dc1 has a party when you usually come, can we change it to midweek this week or just wait until next week".

So you already mentioned the problem and they brushed you off?

They need a plan. One of them will end up being carer for the other.

My gran was stuck in a Victorian terrace with narrow stairs, no downstairs loo. Became housebound. She had to have a bed in the living room. Portable plastic loo chair thing. She detested the loss of dignity but by then it was too late.