AIBU to suggest my elderly parents move to a more suitable home?

It's not a crime or imposition to have a quick discussion but some of the posts on this are quite patronising and actually quite ablist.

Broadly, having stairs in elderly peoples houses is associated with better ongoing health. I guess it’s because there’s a little bit of exercise and exertion involved in everyday activity. however….

It’s taken a major health event to get my much more elderly father to finally acknowledge it could be a good idea to move. He’s doing it very reluctantly and even then the slightest potential for the transaction to go awry and he starts saying oh maybe I shouldn’t leave. He’s also starting to feel better after his fall so the mental rigidity is creeping in again. That has been one of the really interesting changes to see, this mental rigidity. That’s something I hadn’t fully appreciated in the elderly. And maybe it’s not all elderly.

The fact that your mother needs oxygen and has issues with her knees is a bit of a red flag event in my opinion. It sounds like the topic genuinely needs to be raised, and it can be done in a very gentle and kind way.

Who are you to decide what is the best time though? As someone with a degenerative condition I would rather continue to enjoy doing while I can rather than change my life before I need to. I can totally see why older people feel the same way. I would feel very annoyed if my adult children or anyone who hasn't walked in my shoes kept insisting they know better. I also have elderly parents and as they are cognitively very able I leave them to decide how they want to live their lives.

At that age, I would not be suggesting downsizing to another home/bungalow. I would suggest that within the next 5 years, they look at retirement housing, which comes with a lot of features to help see them through until they need actual care.

Rude.

Im 65 and have 94 year old parents. I think its perfectly reasonable to have these conversations—my children can have them with me and I can have them with my parents. Its not a crime or an imposition.

Iirc the OP has stated that the house cannot be adapted. Tha stairs are narrow. I assume there's no room for a downstairs loo or bedroom.

Her DF spends time and money fussing about the appearance.

There is probably an element of sunken costs fallacy to his reluctance to move.

Nonsense.

The best time to prepare is when you're still capable and clear headed and confident. The worst time to try to make decisions about big changes is when you are forced by circumstances to do so.

People older than 75 are statistically one bad fall away from healthy, fit, and active to needing an adapted space.

Good luck. I’ve been trying to get my parents to be realistic with their future for 10 years and they are only now (at age 81 & 83) realising that looking after a 6 bedroom detached house with massive garden which Is 3 hours drive and an actual ferry away from family might be beyond them soon. They have had their head in the sand for years and unwilling to even discuss it. I know they are adults but it’s so frustrating.

You're overthinking this.

You need to talk up the joys of your nicer area, the lower crime, etc, and how they'll be able to spend so much more time with the grandchildren, how the grandchildren would love being able to pop over to gran and grandad's on their bikes now that they're getting old enough...

Some older people don't want to think about infirmity, and are not keen on suggestions about stair lifts or downstairs loos or 'when driving isn't possible'. Steer clear of those topics.

If you find a way let me know. My parents are 76 and 79 and live in a tiny cottage which is super rural. There are no shops, no buses and the GP is 8 miles away. The cottage itself is a bathroom, kitchen and tiny lounge (no space for a bed) downstairs, some narrow death stairs and 2 beds upstairs. There is no way it’s practical for them to live in into their 80s my Mum can barely do the stairs now. They won’t even talk about moving.

Not for everyone. I am only nearly 60 and am already struggling with stairs. My mother is actually much better. Things can change quickly for everyone and whilst more likely the older you are it is really over the top and quite patronising insisting people prepare for degeneration if they are currently healthy and capable.

Unnecessarily snippy comment!

There is a vast difference between 50 and 80, and even with fit 80 year olds things can change very quickly.

Knee replacements can be very good nowadays.

IME they will refuse to listen. Struggle on deteriorating slowly and then be on the phone to you to pick up the pieces at the first crisis and repeatedly so thereafter.
A broken femur was the first of many.

Why not move out when 50 then just to make really sure. My parents are in their mid 80s and can walk up stairs okay still. If they start having problems they will get a stair lift. It won't be "too late".

It's also worth noting that the advice is no longer to live in bungalows - having the stairs is good to keep you fit longer. My mum has a bungalow and is very fit, and probably fitter than her friends of the same age (and younger). But she says that two friends in their 80s have quite a few stairs to climb (outside) and both cope with stairs better than she does, although she can walk miles on the flat and they can't. So it totally depends.

No, but it is better to move now than wait until 85 when it's quite possibly too late.

For the record my MIL had a stairlift put in as she lived in a terraced house with only an upstairs loo. She didn't use it because it was too slow! She was about 89 at the time (eventually she did have a fall but it happened in the shower so living in a bungalow wouldn't have helped).

It is eminently sensible, but good luck with trying to persuade them.

FIL absolutely refused to move although after he died MIL was happy to move to the village where we live, which made the last 10 years of her life easier to deal with.

After she died I had hoped to persuade my DF to move into her house, but no dice. He is going to be 93 soon and although he is still fully independent and lives only 10 minutes away, his house is older and has more hazards and the other house would be easier to adapt if he needs care at home so it would be helpful if he moved there, but he likes being where he is so we'll just have to cope.

Of course it will get their backs up if you start looking for houses for them!. Wouldn't it annoy you if it was the other way around. I wouldn't dream if interfering with my parents lifes like that. Assuming they are okay cognitively they can do their own house searching if they want to.

You can mention it but it is totally up to them. I don't really see why they should move before they need to if they don't want to though. Maybe they will never need to.

I would broach with them moving somewhere more suitable - especially if their bathroom is not accessible.

However if they have a good support network they may not want to move closer to you. I know my dad has a very active social life where he is and being close to us would not replicate that. I have to work and also manage kids clubs etc so would have limited time in the week. It sounds like you are in a similar situation. I would think carefully about how much time and what support you would be able to provide if they were closer to you and whether it would be enough.

My dad moved very locally to a place that can support him if he needs it in the future which means less worry for both of us.