AIBU to suggest my elderly parents move to a more suitable home?

But you’re making this a ‘you’ argument… you’re capable. Many people are not. Sudden illness. Dementia. Capacity and capability come in many forms. And when someone doesn’t have capacity or isn’t capable then it’s massive strain on adult children trying to manage the situation.

I don't think it necessarily better to move long before you need to though and they may never need to. They presumably have friends near them and a social life? Your dad is currently healthy, decorating and they regularly visit you so even though your mother isn't so healthy he could coordinate a move should it become necessary. They aren't relying on you.

You can't tell them what to do, they need to come to the realisation themselves. I just shut up when mother stayed in the big family house after dad died, it wasn't for me to tell her to move out of her familiar lovely house. She finally decided to downsize and we supported this, loaning her money to buy an auction property, helping her to liquidate shares etc, but up until then, I didn't say a word. Just not my place.

I said POA was a good idea. Some posters are talking about parents in their 70s rather than parents in their 90s. They may not ever need support (they may die first) and if they do it might not be require for another 10 or 15 years. My parents are in their mid 80s and still don't need support so they would have really regretted moving 10 or 15 years ago.

Yes there are those in their 90s who are cognitively able, physically able etc, but the reality is that most elderly people will need some kind of support, and that can often happen very quickly. All those saying that adult children are forcing the issue have clearly not experienced the huge toll that ‘parenting’ a really struggling cognitively and physically but in denial parent. POA is absolutely necessary and some kind of planning for older age. Moving closer to children/ into a more suitable home can mean that the elderly person lives more independently for longer rather than waiting till a crisis.

I totally agree with setting up power of attorney. Not everyone experiences significant cognitive decline though. If someone is good cognitively their planning is up to them. There will be pros and cons with moving before necessary and quite patronising for adult children to think they know better about what is best.

It must have been devastating for you, can’t think how it was allowed to happen. Were you forced to read books and be resourceful? Ghastly.

Yes, but planning for the future involves planning for aging and cognitive decline is often part of that.

It’s one of the reasons that setting up PAO at an early stage is also important.

Our parents are both in their 90's. My sibling's solution...... don't move but build a lift in their lounge up to their bedroom!

One family member of mine had a good compromise with a house where they could live on the ground floor but there were two upstairs bedrooms and a bathroom for visitors. They climbed the stairs regularly to dust and air out those rooms but if they couldn't cope they had all that they needed downstairs.

This. My 74-year old DH is still working full time running his company and we live in a 3-storey house with no downstairs loo, on over 50 acres.

OP, I think it's fine to suggest they should possibly consider moving to a more suitable home in light of your mum's mobility issues but be prepared for them to want to stay where they are.

I was referring to people who were physically disabled but cognitively well. Your DF obviously wasn't.

That’s great but many older people experience some degree of cognitive decline which makes moving or even thinking about it much harder. My parents thought they’d planned ahead but actually their home was completely unsuitable in terms of location as well as layout. My DF developed Alzheimer’s which meant that he was unable to walk and the last time he left their home - a bungalow with a narrow hallway and steps to the front and back door- was through the integral garage on a stretcher. It was undignified and distressing for him and my DM, and difficult for the paramedics to manage. With him in a nursing home my DM found it very hard to make decisions - it turned out that she had always relied on my DF as the decision-maker and without him she became quite helpless. She did agree to move from their large rural home to a 2 bed flat in the town but having bought the flat took another year to move into it - clearing their house sometimes by only one item per week! Fortunately, she had actually made the move by the time she had the stroke which means she is now partially sighted and unable to drive. There was no public transport where they lived before.

Planning ahead is sensible and makes it much less likely that decisions are made for you by others when you get to crisis-point.

My parents could have taken time to find somewhere that suited them in the 8 years between the obvious start of DF’s decline and that crisis point but my DF didn’t realise what was happening and my DM was completely in denial. She couldn’t have made the move on her own - it took a huge amount of time, effort and support from me, my DSis and her DH.

My mum and I aren't close, but I'm very grateful she moved when I advised it.
Her health and mobility is now very poor and she is in a ground floor flat with emergency intercom if needed.
It was hugely stressful - for me! - as I did everything but it's worked out well.
She may need a home in the future but for the past 6 years the flat has been great.

My relative at mid 90’s moved into a fantastic residential nursing home. The corridor their room was on (mansion house conversion) had two sets of stairs of five steps, when I questioned the suitability the carers said if they stopped doing steps in no time at all they wouldn’t be able to do steps full stop. Don’t be too swift to banish stairs from your life - it really is use it or lose it!

If your parents have friends and a good support network where they are I can see they’d be reluctant to move.

I think many older people are scared to make the change as it makes them "feel" older! All you can do is mention it and see how it goes down .Maybe just casually though

Yes, power of attorney would be useful

Why is it too late when it is needed? I am disabled and perfectly able to organise moving when I need to. Obviously I would need to employ a removal company but so do a lot of people.

Depends, are they not capable of making decisions for themselves and need their child to tell them what they should do?

Definitely look at power of attorney though - this doesn’t become active unless they lose capacity but it enables you to step in and help with financial and/or health matters if things change and they are no longer able to make decisions themselves. So many people leave it too late and then can’t do anything.

My parents moved in their mid 80s. It was stressful but we managed and they are happy in their new place close by.

On another thread yesterday someone mentioned that it can be helpful to think, not of downsizing, but instead of rightsizing. For many older people the house they are in was right for them when they moved there - when they were working and had children at home. When they’re in a different stage of life they should think about what is right for now and the foreseeable future. Maybe that would be a helpful way of framing it. What is right for them now.

I agree with @mathanxiety. It’s too late to think about this stuff after it’s needed.

if parents have expectations that their children will help in older.. and possibly infirm.. old age, then these conversations need to happen as the outcome impacts everyone.

As someone who has lost both parents….id try and get them to move closer.

When one parent died, the other was left in a house totally unsuitable and an hours drive away. It was a nightmare. The house was too big, they couldn’t manage the maintenance and it out a strain on me and my husband, trying to manage from afar with small children.

Not to mention the issue of downsizing when one parent has died…doing it whilst grieving is not to be recommended.

My other parent moved close to me.. and everyone’s lives were easier. Including theirs. They saw more of the grandkids and it was easier to pop in for small visits more frequently to see that they were ok. They have passed now and it’s been a lot easier for me to manage a smaller house than the one they left.

They should have downsized years before. It would have created so much less stress for everyone.