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Original poster

to feel like my DM has completely whitewashed my childhood?

61 replies

olaay · 17/05/2026 10:14

I didn’t have a great childhood. Both my DM and DF would hit me and my brother. DM was constantly shouting, irritated by us doing normal child things, and both parents expected total obedience all the time. Home felt tense a lot of the time and I left at 18 because I found it unbearable living there.

They divorced years ago and I only really see DM occasionally now. I have DC of my own and something that really gets to me is the way she talks now, as if she was this amazing parent who got everything right.

She often talks about how she “brought up her children so well.” Meanwhile, my actual memories are of being scared of getting shouted at, trying not to upset anyone and walking on eggshells a lot of the time.

If my DC make a mess in the car from snacks, she’ll comment about how spotless she kept her car at all times. But we were never even allowed to eat in the car because she would get angry. If toys are everywhere, she’ll comment on how tidy she kept the house and how her children “knew better.”

It’s like she has rewritten history into this version where she was endlessly calm, organised and patient, instead of someone who frightened us half the time. I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent myself but I try very hard not to make my DC feel scared of me the way I often felt growing up.

What bothers me most is the total lack of acknowledgement. Not even “I was stressed” or “I wish I’d handled things differently.” Just this constant narrative about what a good parent she was and how well behaved her children were.

The hardest part is that if I ever challenge any of it or mention how things actually felt growing up, she gets angry immediately. There is absolutely no room for any version of events except hers. Even mild disagreement turns into defensiveness or rage, so over time I’ve mostly stopped saying anything.

I’m not claiming she was evil or that there were never good moments. But I do find it really difficult hearing someone constantly praise their own parenting when your actual experience of that parenting was fear, shouting and walking on eggshells.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 17/05/2026 11:17

I very much relate to what you're saying. As a child/teen I was encouraged to mock/laugh at other kids who didn't know how to behave, who questioned their parents, who would dare to do xyz (very normal things like leave some of their dinner or have a messy bedroom etc). There was abuse and neglect too, so my understanding of normal was warped and very different from my peers'. I did behave, and when I later confronted my parents about it, I was told I was trying to rewrite history. People tell us we can't win in this situation, and I get it, but we can - the way we win is by breaking the cycle, recognising it wasn't our fault, and parenting our kids differently - exactly what you're doing. ❤️

AnnaMagnani · 17/05/2026 11:17

It's normal for her to have different memories of your childhood to you.

Her memory: I kept the car spotless despite having messy young kids
Your memory: I was terrified of mum so never ate in the car

Both memories are correct, but you are valuing different things. She values a spotless car higher than her kids not being scared.

Expecting her to thing she did something 'wrong' and wasn't a good mum is not going to happen for as long as she thinks having a spotless car is the pinnacle of parenting.

DotTheBorderCollie · 17/05/2026 11:13

Sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. It's very hard to hear a parent completely revise history. The thing is, you know the truth. And she knows you know. That's why she gets so defensive and angry.

Don't expect her to ever admit it or acknowledge it. she won't change.

All you can do is live your best life and continue to parent in the opposite manner to that of your mother.

HeyHoHenryHippy · 17/05/2026 11:13

SyrupTopped · 17/05/2026 10:20

You’re not going to get any acknowledgement or self-insight here, OP. Just congratulate yourself on having the emotional intelligence to parent your children differently.

This.

She was and is toxic. She won't accept that just continue to criticise you from the side.

BoredZelda · 17/05/2026 11:12

My mum is the same. Whenever I would mention how tough I was finding it I’d get “well I had 3 of you and I just got on with it”

She very definitely did not “just get on with it”

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 17/05/2026 11:12

More or less why I haven't seen dm since 2012...

sittingonabeach · 17/05/2026 11:11

Do you think she actually believes she was wrong in the way she brought you up?

My parents would smack me if I had been naughty, and toys were mainly kept upstairs in our bedrooms not cluttering up downstairs. But this was pretty normal upbringing in the era I was brought up. I don’t think we had snacks in the car, only travel sweets! I love my parents.

Now your DM seems to have been at the far end of that scale and home was a scary place. But if she talks to her peers and they say they parented in a similar way to mine she might think she was the same as them, not realising that there was much more violence and fear in your home

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 17/05/2026 11:00

Your mum isn’t displaying any remorse for your childhood, or agreeing with your memories of your childhood, because in her eyes she DID bring you up well. I mean - she DID keep the house tidy and you DID know how to behave - she just doesn’t understand that ruling through violence and fear isn’t acceptable.

You have done brilliantly to escape from this and to see that your mum’s methods were wrong. You won’t ever change her though. Once you accept this it will get easier Flowers

Ella31 · 17/05/2026 10:46

I'm having a similar experience with my dm now and it's really eaten at me to the point I'd be crying over it. I just had a baby 4 weeks ago and I've a 1 year old. We also lost twins 2 and a half years ago in the NICU. My dm hasn't rang once since my recent baby was born and that was after I told her I was seeing a perinatal bereavement councellor as my recent baby's birth has triggered a lot of grief. My dm never asks after grand children and tries to micro manage my life in other areas. She loves going on about how bad other parents are now and how great she was. I have to bite my lip so much during this.

It gets to a point where you are so worn out. The only thing that works for me is I know the type of parent I'll want to be to my children, everything she is not as harsh as that seems. I want to be there emotionally for them, love them andlisten to them. Op, you are already doing all this. Nothing hits as hard as when you become a parent yourself and you realise your own parents arent perfect. And thats ok and normal but its not normal when they are tearing you down.

SyrupTopped · 17/05/2026 10:20

You’re not going to get any acknowledgement or self-insight here, OP. Just congratulate yourself on having the emotional intelligence to parent your children differently.

Snucker · 17/05/2026 10:19

OP you have done so well to parent so differently and to see her mistakes and to try and address them. A person so rigid and blinkered that they did t understand then probably lack capacity to do so. They are still controlling every narrative and reacting with anger. It’s a disappointment when we see people to always grow but instead calcify. Protect yourself and find ways to reduce her impact on you now whether through boundaries, therapy, reducing contact etc

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