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Original poster

To not feel the same about DP anymore?

37 replies

Gretasmyname · 17/05/2026 07:42

To my shame I've found a similar thread of mine(but worse) from 10 years ago!! Been with DP many, many years and have 4 Dc. 3 teens , one older.
Overall happy. He's a good bloke, if a little grumpy. Works hard. What you see is what you get.
Affectionate to me, pays me compliments.
I love him. He loves me. I'd say he's happier with me than I am with him😏
He just seems to have zero interest in much. Not in a depressed way. Just nothing he's crazy about doing. I don't think we would go anywhere if I didn't suggest it. He likes family holidays but only sunshine breaks, nothing too far flung or adventurous. I ant to see the world!!!! Doesn't really like going out as such.

He hasn't made much effort over the years to please me or accommodate my interests. Although as the kids are growing up, he is changing a bit.

I just feel that I do my own thing more now . Go away with my siblings and friends for the things that i like.
I kind of think that this is okay and we get different things from different people.
But I do worry about the life that we will lead once all dc leave home.
I don't really want to do things as a couple, which sounds bad.
I'm not unhappy and I don't want to split up.
I guess perimenopause is adding to this.
Is this how relationships go after 30 years. I can't work out if I am unreasonable or not.
And whether I will overcome this.
If i tried to talk he would say he's OK. He's happy. And I'm making a fuss about nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gretasmyname · 17/05/2026 08:07

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 17/05/2026 08:05

Is his job stressful? I have no me Tal energy left for excitement because I’m ’used up’ by the everyday stuff. When I work fewer hours, I am definitely more amenable to excitement!

Not particularly no. He's very laid back overall. Just doesn't like doing much. Watching tv and sport and generally being a middle aged man!

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 17/05/2026 08:05

Is his job stressful? I have no me Tal energy left for excitement because I’m ’used up’ by the everyday stuff. When I work fewer hours, I am definitely more amenable to excitement!

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 17/05/2026 08:04

@Mattsmum2
Yes the children would absolutely go with me. And they do!!
But I worry I am going to be lost the day when they don't want to.
He will either still not want to do anything (most likely)
Or suddenly be enthusiastic (unlikely) which will also annoy me if he expects me jump for joy at suddenly showing interest in things that I like!!!!!

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 17/05/2026 08:02

I’d look at going to those far flung places with the kids while you still have them at home.

Mattsmum2 · 17/05/2026 07:59

Gretasmyname · 17/05/2026 07:54

Maybe. I think that. There's certainly nothing concrete that I can put my finger on.
Although, there are some big trips abroad that I'd love to do which he won't con̈sider. Things that friends maybe couldn't accommodate. How do I navigate that as I'd have to go alone. I don't mind this in theory, but I'd like to share it with someone. I can go places and do things with Dc now but that won't continue forever.

Show quote history

You can always do a solo trip, there’s lots online. Would one of the children go with you? Or all of them?

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 17/05/2026 07:59

PersephoneParlormaid · 17/05/2026 07:52

I’ve been married over 30 years, and I’m very similar to you, only difference is that I don’t love him and I’ve wanted to divorce many times but never had the guts to do it. We do nothing together.
I do my own thing as I’m sick of waiting for him to get up (he’s retired) and I go away once a year with a friend for a week.
I dread the time when we have to go away together ( currently can’t due to dog) as I’ve no desire to lie on a sun bed for a week or two now, and I’ve no desire to share a room with him (separate rooms at home).

I feel a bit like you but not as bad.🙁
We don't have separate rooms and we do still have sex, but quite infrequent compared to how we used to. I've lost my sex drive very slightly but that could be improved! He does show me affection but then i get very annoyed at his lack of consideration in other areas and that puts me off.
It's not that I wouldn't do things as a couple (like holidays). I just can't see it happening. If he has no interest now, I cannot see him suddenly, once retired, being enthusiastic. If anything, he will be less so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gretasmyname · 17/05/2026 07:54

Goldengirl123 · 17/05/2026 07:50

Just go with it. If you are happy together then why change? I understand that you want to do different things but as you said, you can do those things with other people. Happiness and contentment is so important and the grass isn’t always greener

Maybe. I think that. There's certainly nothing concrete that I can put my finger on.
Although, there are some big trips abroad that I'd love to do which he won't con̈sider. Things that friends maybe couldn't accommodate. How do I navigate that as I'd have to go alone. I don't mind this in theory, but I'd like to share it with someone. I can go places and do things with Dc now but that won't continue forever.

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 17/05/2026 07:52

I’ve been married over 30 years, and I’m very similar to you, only difference is that I don’t love him and I’ve wanted to divorce many times but never had the guts to do it. We do nothing together.
I do my own thing as I’m sick of waiting for him to get up (he’s retired) and I go away once a year with a friend for a week.
I dread the time when we have to go away together ( currently can’t due to dog) as I’ve no desire to lie on a sun bed for a week or two now, and I’ve no desire to share a room with him (separate rooms at home).

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 17/05/2026 07:51

No he's definitely not stopping me doing anything. I just wish that he would compromise more and do some things that I like to please me.
I'd happily go along with anything he likes or wants to do. Except there is nothing that he wants to do!!!!!

OP posts:
Goldengirl123 · 17/05/2026 07:50

Just go with it. If you are happy together then why change? I understand that you want to do different things but as you said, you can do those things with other people. Happiness and contentment is so important and the grass isn’t always greener

professionalcommentreader · 17/05/2026 07:49

Can you do the things you want to do alone and still be in a couple?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 17/05/2026 07:49

I think it’s ok to let your relationship shift over time. He’s not stopping you doing anything, he’s just happier doing his own thing as are you.

Something I’m noticing as we’ve semi retired, is that time is much less pressured. We can do all the things, not have to choose between my priorities and his.

So I don’t have to move back to my old area, because I can visit as often as I want now. I can do all the craft/sewing/art courses, and still spend time with him.

So the situation which looked really daunting- managing our separate interests and managing spending a lot of time together with no distractions, has actually been fine.