AIBU for refusing to let DD give her boyfriend old phone?

She needs to realise buying someone a £400 present when it's not even their birthday (or even if it is) is inappropriate for the length and commitment level of this relationship and of her earning power. That's what it's all really about, not a phone as such, the phone is just a symptom of the problem. What is £400 to her, a months wages?

Would you normally resell old phones to go towards the new purchase?
Can you explain that money would be allocated for a holiday or driving lessons.

I think I might go as far as taking DD away for a £400 mini weekend break somewhere lovely just the two of us so she can physically understand the value.

This is insane.

At 18 if he's NEET then he can claim UC as a job seeker.

He should be helping out with the utility bills/food where he lives with his mum. Maybe the rent too, if she rents, but he can't claim housing costs unless he's on the tenancy and his mum may not want to do that because she may want him to move out.

He can afford Lego and games so he's not as broke as he's making out.

If he was chipping in something towards the household bills his mum wouldn't be so skint either. His mum will be getting extra UC for her health issues if she can't work.

Get onto "entitled to" website and input some hypothetical details for this guy and his mum, separately because he's 18 so they're now two separate households regardless that they live together. So DD can see the kind of income these two may have.

They probably DGAF about the sheets instead of curtains at the windows, they're obviously poor and living like poor people do.

Your DD isn't poor because you all work your socks off, she's so far been sheltered from that side of life and she's shocked by what she's seeing. She needs help to realise that she's not responsible for other people and their life choices.

I'm not suggesting that they're well off at all, but if she's under the impression their sole income is £50/wk or something and can't afford food, she needs educating that's not true.

At the moment she's in danger of viewing him as someone she needs to "save" and having a misplaced sense of responsibility for his welfare. Rescuer syndrome isn't something she wants to develop. It'll make it harder for her to break up with him when she gets bored of his lazy ways, because she'll feel guilty she's not helping him out any more. Developing a rescuer mindset will see her at risk of taking up with one no-hoper after another, it'll ruin her life because her standards for potential partners are too low.

She's also in danger of being used as a cash cow by him. He'll be spending all his money on things for himself and she'll be paying for all the dates and holidays etc. They've known each other 5mins and he's already playing the "I'm so skint, woe is me" card, whilst doing fuck all to change his situation.

Long term DD should find someone better matched to her personality ie someone with a work ethic. This guy is a cocklodger in the making.

My children's old phones have always gone towards there new phones, I ask for them back before/whilst buying a new one. I even exchanged my last iPhone at the apple shop as a discount for my new one.

What is her old phone doing now? It's obviously your phone and you should be able to get it back but what are you planning on doing with it now (iphones can be exchanged for apple vouchers). I kind of get that she's thinking she can give it to him if you haven't asked for it back and it's lying around her bedroom.

Gosh, he’s only been around for five minutes and might remain for five minutes more. I wouldn’t be giving it to him unless I was happy to let it go to anyone.

I wouldn’t gift the £400 phone either, and you have given him a phone. I wouldn’t consider the phone hers as such, as you’re paying the contract etc.

I’d be concerned that he’s not finding a job. Can you find details of local food banks and organisations that can help him and his family?

i’d also be concerned that dd falls into the trap of wanting to rescue her boyfriend, at her own expense, both financially, career-wise etc.

If you paid for it then that’s fine. Has she contributed to the phone contract at all?

i don’t think it’s that simple! Id consider my phone ‘mine’ to do what I want with, even though my dad bought it.

You're definitely in the right. She should absolutely not be handing over high value items. Tell her that he needs to help himself and get a job. That he should be treating it as a full-time job searching for work, and that she should be having him show her that he is doing this. He needs to be volunteering for work experience and helping his prospects. Ask her how she sees her life going if she stays with a man that refuses to do anything.

She didn’t buy the phone, it’s not hers to give away.

Easy to be generous with someone else's money. It's not hers to give away. The end.

You paid for it so you’re within your rights to say no she cannot give it away.