AIBU for refusing to let DD give her boyfriend old phone?

It’s so important that she learns not to try to save men. It’s not the road to happiness. I’m in my fifties and only just realising this, so it’s probably good this has come up now!

A relationship should be on an equal footing. The fact that he’d even accept the phone is a bad sign in itself

Can you trade it in/ sell it back to phone company? It’s not hers to give away if you paid for it - that’s life.

My post was in response to @Flintstonerubble -the quote didn’t quote!

Because different people do different things, it doesn’t make them wrong amd you right, it’s just different

You'd be wrong.

Make sure the phone is factory reset. She’s naive.

Also i hope shes sensible about contraception.

I don’t know what the best approach is here as both of mine are pretty tough on laziness, but I’m reminded of some of the US finance adviser Dave Ramsey’s comments about his daughters not being allowed to do ‘missionary dating’. I’d stand firm
on the subject of the phone and I think I’d be trying to reduce her contact with him as much as possible.

Id be watching for the smell of weed.
The drop out bit,sleeping all day,gaming all night.

Not appropriate to give someone you’ve known a month, a £400 gift, regardless of the circumstances.

Yanbu. She needs to start paying for things if she thinks her parents are double jobbing to give phones away. I would not be happy with this association.

YANBU about the phone, but frankly I would be more concerned about my daughter getting involved with this boy/situation/family/mess.

It's not her job to fix him or any of his family trauma and issues. You say she is happy, is that honeymoon phase puppy love happy and how long is that going to last because this is only a month old relationship.

What's the long term prospects here? Does she think she will help him change and get a job etc? In my opinion that's too much of an ask or pressure for a 17 year old and that shouldn't be her priority at all at this stage in her life.

I've seen young girls with their head screwed on start making silly decisions due to "love" deciding not to go to Uni anymore or go to a different uni because she wants to stay close to her boyfriend who is jobless with no motivation to do anything.

She feels sorry for them? Well, perhaps she should try feeling sorry for the taxpayers who are funding his Lego and gaming life and the resultant lack of money the govt has. You could try explaining that the benefits bill in 2026 will exceed the income tax receipts. This is a serious societal issue. This boy is literally laying about playing Lego and gaming. And she wants to give him a £400 phone that you paid for.

she sounds kind but very naive.

I personally don't think they're gaming the system, I don't see the situation like that. At the moment OP has provided no evidence that it's so. For me, it's not about labelling them or judging them. It's about looking at the facts of the situation.

If mum is disabled (we don't know this either only that she's too unwell to work) she'll be claiming PIP as well as UC, so even more money coming in per month. If son is carer (and again we don't know this) he'll be (or should be) claiming carer's allowance (which gets deducted from his UC).

It's the situation of OPs DD seeing this family as having "no income/not enough income" and feeling responsible for solving that, that's the issue. They've got an income and they've got free will over how to spend it. They may have sky-high rent making life difficult, but although that isn't their fault it's also not DD's fault (or her problem) either.

DD should be sorting out her own life, saving for a rental deposit so she can move out or for some savings to get herself through uni so she doesn't have to work every hour she's not studying. Or just saving her money so she can go on holidays with other friends, buy her own next phone, have nice clothes and toiletries etc.

The one thing she shouldn't be doing at 17 (or ever, really) and particularly as a part-time worker, who's own income level is most probably categorised officially as "poverty" status, is subsidising the finances of people she barely knows just because she feels sorry for them.

If she wants to be charitable and help "people like them", she could give £400 to a food bank or charity that helps youngsters get into employment or something.

I’m puzzled about why you upgraded your daughter’s phone just because the contract was up. That’s the perfect time to cancel the contract and buy a monthly rolling sim from Smarty or Lebara with a very generous allowance for £6-8 a month.

I wouldn't allow her to date this boy at all, never mind give him a £400 phone.

What a shit relationship for her to be in. They won't be able to do anything together unless she pays.

It's not her job to suggest he claims UC, that's just another way of taking responsibility for him. His mum doesn't work! She'll be on UC herself as a singleton. He's well aware of what it is and how to claim it. Either he doesn't want to because he doesn't actually want to look for work and will just find himself kicked off it after multiple sanctions or he's already claiming it and that's how he's funding his Lego and gaming hobbies. Either way, the reason the house is short of food is because either his or his mum's income is going on games, games consoles, the electric to run said consoles, plus Lego (which is expensive). None of this is a problem for anyone else to fix.

Accep the money then she has bought him the phone. That's treating her like a grown up.

My husband and I have found it really frustrating because neither of us see not working as an option.

Again, you are assuming the lack of work was/is a choice freely made and that this young man and his mum are responsible for their current state of poverty.

Look into it before casting them into the Daily Fail work shy scrounger raising a cocklodger category.

I don’t think you understand the bigger picture OP.
You have no idea if he is lazy and his mum is gaming the system or if she is seriously ill / disabled and he is her full time carer.
You are dismissing whatever your DD tells you, at least she has been to their home, met his mum and sees how they live.

Before passing judgement and forcing your daughter to not be charitable, you should at least look into things a bit deeper.

Ugh the entitlement of teenagers these days is insane.

Absolutely no. The phone is yours/DHs to decide what to do with (sell, keep for a spare, gift to someone else).

Its absolutely not your problem that her boyfriends family are struggling. He has a phone already. And it sounds like a £400 phone wouldn't help their situation in any way at all.

Her paying you for the phone to give to him also.isnt appropriate. But maybe if HE got a job you could agree to sell it to him ar a discounted rate (maybe £300).... but he would need to actually be the one paying. A gift at 17 for a shiny new boyfriend who hangs around home all day with no ambition is just asking for trouble (I know she doesn't see it like this).

I would just reiterate that he is old enough to be in education or have a job. I wouldn't comment on his mothers situation but just reiterate that he is an adult and should be acting as so.

unfortunately, we all know she thinks she is right and will not take kindly to any criticism of him and will think that she can "save him" and nothing is his fault etc... but hopefully she will get wise soon

Good advice and worth discussing with dd.

you tell her its lovely that she's kind but that any boyfriend wouldn't acccept money/gifts of his girlfriend if he can't/won't work
it should be embarrassing to him and her! he could at least offer some money towards it if he's on benefits or what not
take her to dunelm and show her the cost of curtains. it's not much, i'm sure they could access household support funds, universal credit, foodbanks etc or other local charities, especially if he is a young carer for his mum if she has severe mh difficulties.
she kind of needs a dose of reality otherwise she will be subsidising bum men and being a people pleaser which is not great.. it's nuts she wants to pay you for the phone or buy him one