AIBU for refusing to let DD give her boyfriend old phone?

It’s your phone. You can get cash for it via any number of resale sites.

I would do the same , handing £400 to someone who refuses to work does not seem like a good idea.

This.
Tell her it’s your phone and will sold to pay for family things

She offered to pay her mum for the phone (don't know how much she offered!!)

But she didn't pay for it...

Is it really worth 400, could she sell if for that I wonder.
At 17 I think she's old enough to make that mistake and learn from it. Care with money is such an important skill.

But giving a very new boyfriend a £400 gift is not appropriate for an adult, let alone a 17 year old.

Your daughter needs putting straight on what a lazy cocklodger is!!! Less of the “gentle” chats and more of the straight talking how much ££ is he pissing away on Lego and games and takeaways and whatever else while he lies on his arse all day when he should Be working and studying?!! Make it clear you aren’t having him to live in your house sponging off you either !! That’ll be the next thing!!

Even if you are completely correct in your very generous and equally speculative assessment of the situation, none of that is the OP's daughter's responsibility to solve.

I would also be very concerned about my daughter setting herself up as the 'rescuer' of a boy she was dating at 17. It's not a lifestyle I'd aspire to for her either.

At 17 having a boyfriend /girlfriend should be fun and a bit of teen angst.

The boyfriend comes with a lot of drama and it's not the dd mission to save him.

Totally agree. Very well said.

It’s not a lifestyle I’d aspire to as a partner for my child

Ask your daughter bluntly if her boyfriend also smokes weed. The whole laying in bed gaming thing at that age sort of goes hand in hand sadly. Where did they meet?

Do you know them personally? No
It is possible he is a full time carer now that there is no law compelling him to stay in education. His mum’s condition may have worsened. One of the saddest things I have watched over and over are parents with a degenerative condition grooming their children to be their full time carers as soon as they finish college.

There is no evidence he games and plays Lego all day. Those are the hobbies listed by OP as reported by her DD, these have one thing in common, they are hobbies that can be done from home so his mum isn’t left alone.

In addition, just because a chronically ill or disabled person is left alone for much of the day it doesn’t mean they are actually coping ok alone.

He may be a waster and loser, I am fully aware it is a possibility. I disagree that this is obvious and think the OP should herself look into the situation more before passing judgement. Jumping to conclusions without having all the facts and without having seen things for yourself is easy to do when behind a screen hundreds of miles away.

Its your phone that you let her use. Dont give it to him.

Wise words. I learned quickly as a teen, and I am fortunate in having a Dad who taught me to take no crap from a bloke.

I’m concerned that the ‘be kind’ mantra can be interpreted to mean ‘always help’, and girls who try to ‘save’ men like this are likely to end up in bad situations.

Absolutely.
It really isn't hers.
You are clearly doing too much for her that she is so cavalier with YOUR 400 quid phone!

Why on earth are you renewing the contract if the phone is still worth that much? Surely if it is fully functional, end the contract and get a SIM only deal meaning she keeps her original handset.

This will also teach her about sustainability and less wastage.

He's got a phone now problem solved, you work very hard to provide, she's got rose tints on and is being rather naive/entitled. Absolutely not. It isn't really hers to give away.

What normally happens to the old phones? What were you planning to do with it?

When she says she’ll give you £400 for it, where is her £400 coming from? A job or money you’ve given her?

He doesn’t sound like a relationship I’d be encouraging.

Preach.

@AmberTigerEyes he games and does Lego all day. He’s not exactly a full time carer! And he used to go to college so clearly his mother coped when he left the house. It’s obvious he’s a waster and the sooner OP’s daughter realises this, the better.

Looking after a loser is a bottomless pit OP. Hell would freeze over before I let her give him the phone.

We pay for our children’s phones but they are still ours. We never gifted it to them. When we upgrade we sell them to pay towards the new one. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t do that tbh.

Let her give him the phone, its surplus to requirement now and notveirth falling out over.

A month?!?!?

Jesus your dd is naive

You need to get educating her more on benefits.. her boyfriend isnt the dickensian poor.
And no he cannot have the fucking phone.

Also its your phone to sell!
Sell it to a stranger and put the £400 in savings for your daughter (she'll be needing it if she keeps being taken advantage of like this!)
If she wants to slum it with the boyfriend you may want to rescind the new phone and leave her with her old one...

I feel for you this is a nightmare scenario