AIBU to feel frightened my daughter may cut contact at university?

😕 mmm, yes I saw that after I'd posted 🤷

Yes I agreed with a Pp that that query was misguided of me as DD doesn’t need OPs permission to go aged 18 anyway.

OP you need to book yourself in for counselling too. Family counselling is a waste of time. Don't make her the villain.

I absolutely wouldn’t be trying to bargain with a YP with an eating disorder without express advice from clinicians. Seems a risky prospect.

Yes

apparently gave her neighbour log in details to her account rather than her neighbour doing the 20 second sign up process!

Absolutely this. I am so sorry you and your dd are going through this but I think it would be detrimental to her to be alone in a new place with lots of new stress.

ETA - I know your hands are tied on this though, seeing as she will soon be an adult. I really feel for you.

because of this previous post @Spicysirracha?

Tinselandtrainers · 24/04/2026 13:07
I had to go into hospital, totally unexpectedly, for ten days.
DH and I have DS, who is four years old.
When I came back home, everyone (friends and neighbours) kept telling me how "Brilliant" DH was at looking after DS.
DH works from home, so school drop off etc isn't a problem for him. I usually do it though because I work there every day.
It's been a few weeks since this all happened, but I'm feeling annoyed at the praise heaped on DH because he's a man! I usually do everything for DS in terms of taking to activities and parties etc, and no one ever tells me that I'm doing really well. Neither should they, of course - he's my responsibility.
It's as if people think I was on holiday, or something, rather than a lot of stress and pain in hospital.
AIBU to think that dads who step up in childcare get more credit than mums?

Maybe tell her that it takes all of 20 seconds to set up a mumsnet account

I imagine the atmosphere at home is dire between you and your husband. Plus a levels. will she be living with her dad post divorce?

your dd needs extensive professional support. Not just for the ED. She sounds very very unhappy and unstable

This is a difficult one because ultimately, unless sectioned, once she’s at University she can do as she pleases ie estranging herself. But it does sound like the road to actually getting to uni is a complex one. I work in student services FYI

I very clearly said it’s much more complex but was curious about why she thinks this.

Also family therapy is almost always offered in ED services in my experience.

True, forgot she was turning 18 for a second.

Two people who have their body commented on in the same way can react completely differently and one can have an ED and the other not. People are not to blame for their child’s mental illness - EDs are a combination of genetics, predisposition, self esteem, environmental and lifestyle factors.

Don't do this. She'll be eighteen assuming she hasn't been assessed as lacking capacity, any comments made about allowing her to go if she does X or y are pointless.

Not even a young son?

That sounds very difficult for you . I also agree that your daughter does sounds vulnerable and may struggle a bit at uni . Hopefully there will be support in place for her there as unis are more aware of a students welfare these days .

I think all you can do is be there for her and try and not burn any bridges . That may mean holding your tongue as whatever you say will be wrong . She takes you for granted and you are always just “ there “.

It is also seems like a very difficult dynamic with your ex . She may not have had as much attention from him as she wanted growing up and accordingly has
put him on a bit of a pedestal .

I think we as the parents ( usually but not always the mothers ) who do all the heavy lifting in parenting / in the home don’t really get much credit .

We are doing the boring bits and that can certainly go unappreciated / un rewarded . As children mature they may come to appreciate us , but sadly may not . I am still very much waiting for that with my kids !

Who will be helping with finance (assuming you are in England)?

Can you not have the counsellor she had previously? Surely one of the organisations can sign post you to a private therapist?

Have you all had family therapy as part of her ED treatment @Tinselandtrainers?
Is there any truth at all in her claims that you caused her ED? Obviously it’s much more complex than that but I wonder what the conversations have been.

I also agree she doesn’t sound well enough to be going, but sadly if she has capacity and the financial means to go without your support then there is not much you can do. Is her Dad on board with how unwell she is?

Well have you implied this? Have you made fun of her appearance or given her weird looks when she suggests an outfit?

How many other children do you have?