AIBU to feel frightened my daughter may cut contact at university?

Thanks

Search for fitness to study BMI and it comes up.
example https://www.queens.ox.ac.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Fitness-to-Study-Policy-2022.pdf

From student room: https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4627904

Do you have a link @Kepler22B ?

I didn’t know this so looked it up. BMI needs to be 17 (sometimes 16 but the most I looked up were 17).

She might not be well enough to go. Would she stay with you or go to your ex?

My DD went to uni far from our home, with an ED, and we were worried sick. Fortunately, she settled in relatively quickly and well, and is now a capable woman in her 30s with a good job and a life full of positive things.

What’s her bmi? Many university’s will have a minimum bmi before being being unfit to study.

Keep supporting her and loving her. Try to stay in her life whilst respecting her boundaries that’s all you can do. Let her know you are there if she needs you. Send gifts, invite her out, offer to come to see her but accept if she wants space.

im guess your her safe space where she can let this stuff out. She doesn’t do that with her dad because she doesn’t feel safe to.

hopefully at some point she will come back to you

I'm not saying there is nothing in what your daughter is saying, maybe she is trying to tell you something, but my daughter had anorexia and there were times she was so irrational I couldn't help thinking she'd gone psychotic. (I'm not exaggerating here, I'm comparing it to my experience with a friend who did have a psychotic episode.) You can't really have a genuine conversation with someone who is starving their brain. You need to put everything on pause until you have dealt with the ED, as she won't cope with all the challenges of university without.

So just to be clear, you have never made any comments whatsoever saying or implying (even unintentionally) she is overweight or needs to watch her weight? You are saying she has literally imagined the whole thing?

I suffered from an ED at a similar age. My mum had/still has an ED.

EDs completely change you, this is not your daughter speaking but rather her ED.

I genuinely suspect that part of the reason she is saying she will cut you off is it's her ED telling her that the less people she keeps close, the less people there are to try and intervene with her ED.

I really hope that she can get the help that she needs to recover. If she would be open to more counselling, do you have the means to fund it? One worry is that once she goes to uni, she will feel under less scrutiny and could be led deeper into the ED, so any opportunity for intervention now I genuinely believe could be really crucial. She does not sound in a healthy place to be moving away on her own, but sadly that isn't something you could stop her from choosing to do.

I am so sorry that your daughter and your family are suffering as the result of this cruel condition.

Please remember that this is her ED talking and not her.

Sending love ❤️

I think you have to let her and hopefully she will calm down and come back

I second the PP who recommended writing a letter. If you want to save a relationship, it's time to stop trying to justify and be right. Thay hasn't worked to make her see your POV.

Tell her you love her, how sorry you are that things you have said and done have hurt her. That you want to be the kind of mum she needs and so you are going to therapy/doing a parenting course specifically for parents of people with ED. You are going to work on identifying any unconcious behaviours that might be hurtful. You will always be there for her when she needs you, and you are glad she has her dad there to look after her too. That she can reach out any time, and that you would love to call and check how she's doing at uni once a month if that would be OK.

There is nothing you can do but be supportive of her.

And also try not to argue with her dad and hurry the divorce along asap.

You and him arguing will be affecting her much more than you both realise.

Everyone saying don’t let her go to uni… how is the mum she “hates” going to stop an adult exactly?!

I think you have to write her a letter saying you love her and will always be here for her. Then take a step back. Ex dh will need to monitor/visit her to ensure weight loss isn’t a concern. It may be a change of scene will help her. You’re not the person to fix it for her right now though - I know that’s heart breaking but pushing her from you will not be helpful. Hopefully she will find uni eye opening and have time to reflect, but it might take longer than you’d hope.

Agree. Someone close to me with an eating disorder has taken a relative's comment that 'you look well' to mean 'you're fat'. People with eating disorders will interpret even extremely innocuous comments through that lens.

Go to therapy. That's what you should do. If you really want to help her you would go and try and see if there is something you do that might have harmed your relationship with her. But I think you just want to moan and fix her because she's the one who is known to be ill.

I've repeatedly said that she isn't ready to leave home for university

OP why are you treating her like a child?

Of course she’s going to be frustrated with you if you ‘repeatedly tell her she’s not ready to leave home’.

Be supportive of her and help her choose where she wants to go etc.
If you want any sort of relationship with her then you need to stop smothering her which is pushing her away.

Is she planning to live with her father when you split, and will he be funding her through university? It’s a myth that university brings independence. Unless students have a personal massive trust fund, they very much depend on their parents.

@Tinselandtrainers please join us on the support for YP with ED thread, for some proper advice. Repost there
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/5528988-support-thread-15-for-parents-of-young-people-with-an-eating-disorder?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

This is not how anonymous Internet forums work! It is misleading and a breach of trust. Why would you agree to this?

Mental health can improve vastly away from family. There are all kinds of ways to make a young person feel bad while 'kindly' telling them things 'for their own good'.

If she has split you and DH into bad parent /good parent there has to be more at play. You say she's happy you're divorcing so he can find her a new mum? This is pretty extreme stuff.

Is there anything else in your relationship, outside of ED, that could make her feel this way? Was her chilshood full or arguments, has exDH been a warmer parent?

If you try to stop her going to uni she will see you as controlling. If you din't want to lose her, the best thing you could do is truly listen to her pain and acknowledge things you've done wrong by her, even if you were doing them for the right reasons at the time.

I'm always very wary of posters who proclaim that their child had a great upbringing/ no trauma etc etc - how can you say that on behalf of another person. At the most I'd be saying I tried my best but I know I will have got lots of things wrong.

I had an ED for several years in my teens. When i went to university i rapidly and fully recovered..

I needed to be away from the triggering family member to feel good enough about myself to value myself and eat well.

If i spend too much time with the individual even as an adult i feel the ED taking a grip again but i know now and i leave and am low contact with them.

OP i know it's very hard but try to search your mind without judgement for what is causing her mental health to be so awful.

I had AN through my teens and as soon as I left home and got away from the stress my ED disappeared and my depression went overnight, it was the most liberating wonderful experience ever. But I didn’t go to uni, I can imagine if I did my MH would have deteriorated. Can she take a gap year?