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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to buy the house I love despite my parents' concerns?

259 replies

Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 16:57

I’m an only child of older parents, they live abroad, I live in the south of England. Not sure if it matters but I opted not to have kids and currently single! They come and stay with me maybe 3 times a year, 2 weeks on the trot before we all start hating each other.

Last year I decided I would move and finally found a house I can afford. I was really excited, it’s got buckets of character, is in the perfect location for me. It’ll need a bit of work long term but nothing I’m worried about / unprepared for.
Anyway, I went ahead and got my lawyer on it. Until my parents came to stay with me.
I set up a viewing so they could see it, my hope was that they would love it too. Instead they were horrified, my mother had not a single positive thing to say, my father literally no opinion as usual. The entire time they stayed with me I heard all their gripes, the main being the stairs were too old and narrow and that there was no downstairs loo. Now my dad is banging on about how I should compromise and buy somewhere that basically they like and inconveniences me by being out of the area I love and is practical to me.
Im trying to find solutions to the above like putting a loo in, but does this make me a dickhead if I buy it?

If they can’t handle stairs it seems unlikely they will get on a plane to stay with me anyway.
It’s driving me mad, I just want to buy the place that I love and be happy there. I can’t deal with all this nonsense and guilt. I work really hard and I don’t want to mortgage too high to get a place that has loads more space that I’ll pay to heat but never use.

Or am I being a shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want?

OP posts:
tommyhoundmum · 16/05/2026 21:51

Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 17:07

I had this conversation with them but neither have any plans to come back to U.K. If one of them dies they could easily sell up and afford to do this themselves. Otherwise if they stay put they have care plans for that.

Show quote history

There has to be a compromise somewhere

Bogofftosomewherehot · 16/05/2026 21:20

Go and buy your beautiful dream house!

DontShoutInMyEarholeTracey · 16/05/2026 21:06

Buy the house, the home that you can afford and makes you feel excited. Get a survey done. If your parents don’t like it then that’s too bad. They can stay in a B&B or hotel if they want to visit.
You might want to get help/ therapy with your feelings of “guilt, being a dickhead and a
shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want”. Whoa - are you always so hard on yourself?

Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 20:54

NotMeNorI · 16/05/2026 20:49

I'm sorry, but under no circumstances should you be basing your home purchase on what works for 'all of you'.

They aren't funding the purchase and they aren't living there. The fact that the lack of toilet and narrow stairs might make it difficult for them to stay with you eventually, when they visit a few times a year, is absolutely no reason to expect you to make huge sacrifices in your daily life by buying a house that you don't want, in an area that's inconvenient for you.

It's honestly madness you're even second-guessing it and they're suggesting it. If they guilt trip you so habitually that this is even remotely an issue, then that's a big problem, which may be worth seeking support for (counselling). Buy the house, OP!

To be honest over the last couple of weeks I’ve thought quite seriously about talking to someone so think I will take the plunge just to get it off my chest! I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but as they had me late I don’t have a ton of people I know who are in this situation and have navigated the needs of elderly parents so sort of driving myself a bit mad about it!

OP posts:
NotMeNorI · 16/05/2026 20:49

I'm sorry, but under no circumstances should you be basing your home purchase on what works for 'all of you'.

They aren't funding the purchase and they aren't living there. The fact that the lack of toilet and narrow stairs might make it difficult for them to stay with you eventually, when they visit a few times a year, is absolutely no reason to expect you to make huge sacrifices in your daily life by buying a house that you don't want, in an area that's inconvenient for you.

It's honestly madness you're even second-guessing it and they're suggesting it. If they guilt trip you so habitually that this is even remotely an issue, then that's a big problem, which may be worth seeking support for (counselling). Buy the house, OP!

Somersetbaker · 16/05/2026 20:47

If they're paying for it their opinion matters otherwise tell them to fuck off and when they've done that to fuck off some more.

itsalltoplayfor · 16/05/2026 20:43

they’re just very used to coming to stay and treating it like their own house
Well, that's very telling. The dynamic is shifting and they don't like it. You need to do what's best for you and they will either adapt or try to punish you which would be unfair. If this is the first time you've really gone against their wishes it's going to be rocky for a while but hopefully they'll come round eventually.

We fitted a loo under the stairs in an older house we lived in. If plumbing doesn't work you can fit a macerator (?) toilet.

SummerFleurs · 16/05/2026 20:38

My Dad has never had a good word to say about my house, from the moment I drove him past it excitedly after the offer was accepted. Yet it doesn’t matter, he doesn’t live here.go with the house you love

Takeoutyourhen · 16/05/2026 20:36

Buy the house, make it yours and enjoy it. I wonder if any house would be good enough for them.
I would not tell my parents about houses I’m seriously interested in as they would inevitably find fault, whether that is a train line near by, or radon within x miles.

RealReginaPhalange · 16/05/2026 20:30

you pay for it, you live in there, they only visit. Very selfish of them to comment on it the way they did.
my inlaws once were upset we were looking for a regular 5 ppl car when we needed to change. They wanted us to get big, 7 seater, huge engine-expensive to fill up and we dont have much money, only because they visit once a year for 3 weeks…

Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 20:27

WannaSweetie · 16/05/2026 19:59

I’m an only child, I love old houses & I’ve moved 4 times to ones needing work. Every single time my parents gave me so much grief about it. I was making a mistake, how stupid I was, I must be mad, don’t want to hear how it’s going, will never visit you when you move etc etc.
I stupidly allowed them to control a lot of what I did in my life, but not house buying, I ignored their negativity & was happy & they actually liked my houses once I’d moved.
Your house will work for you, buy it 💕

You get it! Exactly the same chat from mine. I’m so glad you didn’t listen and that it worked out for you and you’re happy!
Thank you for sharing this and Godspeed fellow only child - it defo ain’t easy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 20:25

Feis123 · 16/05/2026 19:48

Yes, why not throw money at the rickety stairs if you can buy a normal house to start with? And then - any idea why is my house not selling on MN?
P.S. I was 30 years ago yesterday, but guess what, today I am 50 and life sometimes does not work out the way you plan and you remain living in the house you bought 20 years ago and count your lucky stars at the same time.

Show quote history

I really cannot stress how bitter you sound, strongly urge you to get off mumsnet and seek help instead of arguing with strangers on the internet when you have no valuable advice to offer. I think my post was fairly clear as to my budget and what I can afford so maybe skip back if you missed that bit.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 16/05/2026 20:24

Zov · 16/05/2026 16:59

You do what's best for you, take no notice of your parents. Your life, your money, your home. Flowers

That 100%!

If you can have a downstairs loo put in, do so, you will benefit from that too

Notasbigasithink · 16/05/2026 20:22

Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 16:57

I’m an only child of older parents, they live abroad, I live in the south of England. Not sure if it matters but I opted not to have kids and currently single! They come and stay with me maybe 3 times a year, 2 weeks on the trot before we all start hating each other.

Last year I decided I would move and finally found a house I can afford. I was really excited, it’s got buckets of character, is in the perfect location for me. It’ll need a bit of work long term but nothing I’m worried about / unprepared for.
Anyway, I went ahead and got my lawyer on it. Until my parents came to stay with me.
I set up a viewing so they could see it, my hope was that they would love it too. Instead they were horrified, my mother had not a single positive thing to say, my father literally no opinion as usual. The entire time they stayed with me I heard all their gripes, the main being the stairs were too old and narrow and that there was no downstairs loo. Now my dad is banging on about how I should compromise and buy somewhere that basically they like and inconveniences me by being out of the area I love and is practical to me.
Im trying to find solutions to the above like putting a loo in, but does this make me a dickhead if I buy it?

If they can’t handle stairs it seems unlikely they will get on a plane to stay with me anyway.
It’s driving me mad, I just want to buy the place that I love and be happy there. I can’t deal with all this nonsense and guilt. I work really hard and I don’t want to mortgage too high to get a place that has loads more space that I’ll pay to heat but never use.

Or am I being a shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want?

They are being selfish!
They are clearly using you as a free air b&b when they stay over in the UK and you've clearly put their noses out of joint!
I bet they didn't consult you when they moved abroad?!

Benmac · 16/05/2026 20:20

You only get one life. Do what you want.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/05/2026 20:11

Pft, this house is for you to live in full time. It needs to be a house you can afford, you love, in a place you want to be.

I think its a good idea to add a downstairs loo if you can, because future proofing houses against disability is never a bad idea (and you may only be in your thirties... I was 28 when I became disabled!)... but that asides..

Your parents are being wildly unreasonable and self centred, this is about what would suit THEM, and they haven't a single consideration about what might suit you! Rude.

Gallusoldbesom · 16/05/2026 20:06

Feis123 · 16/05/2026 17:39

Guess what? One day you will be their age - or do you think that those old narrow stairs will have no impact on you? Just as the lack of a downstairs toilet. Unless you are doing the house up for a flip, this is a great inconvenience you will have to navigate, you must bear it in mind. But like may posters say 'sod the parents and their wisdom'. A great proverb goes 'Only fools learn from their own experience, intelligent people learn from others' experience'. Listen to your parents!
Edited to add: Yeah, by all means, listen to the randos on MN - they have your best interest at heart, unlike your nasty parents with gripes, who only wish for your downfall.

Edited

I don’t imagine the OP is planning to live there till she’s 80, most people reassess their housing situation as they age. But it sounds like the house will be v suitable for her now and she loves it and that’s what matters. Her parents don’t get a vote, it’s not their life.

suburberphobe · 16/05/2026 20:05

OP, please buy near your friends, lifestyle and support. This is a good buy for you and that 100% needs to be your priority.

This!

NotAtMyAge · 16/05/2026 20:01

Feis123 · 16/05/2026 19:48

Yes, why not throw money at the rickety stairs if you can buy a normal house to start with? And then - any idea why is my house not selling on MN?
P.S. I was 30 years ago yesterday, but guess what, today I am 50 and life sometimes does not work out the way you plan and you remain living in the house you bought 20 years ago and count your lucky stars at the same time.

Show quote history

What is a normal house? Do tell us....

I was born in an industrial town working-class terrace, grew up in a tiny stone country cottage, married at 21 and brought our two children up in two decrepit old farmhouses DH and I did up as and when we could afford and now live in a modern house at the edge of a village, as this suits our needs in old age. None of these choices were made with our parents in mind and nor should they have been.

THIS is the house the OP has fallen in love with and wants to live in, for a number of excellent reasons. Her parents live abroad from choice, so their wishes cannot be the deciding factor.

WannaSweetie · 16/05/2026 19:59

I’m an only child, I love old houses & I’ve moved 4 times to ones needing work. Every single time my parents gave me so much grief about it. I was making a mistake, how stupid I was, I must be mad, don’t want to hear how it’s going, will never visit you when you move etc etc.
I stupidly allowed them to control a lot of what I did in my life, but not house buying, I ignored their negativity & was happy & they actually liked my houses once I’d moved.
Your house will work for you, buy it 💕

Feis123 · 16/05/2026 19:48

NotAtMyAge · 16/05/2026 18:45

Rickety stairs can be replaced. As for no downstairs loo, most older were built without one and fitting one in can be difficult if not impossible. Our eldest grandson has just bought his first house, typical working-class terrace built over a century ago. It has a perfectly decent upstairs bathroom, but of course no downstairs loo, and he didn't even question that before putting in his offer.

Show quote history

Yes, why not throw money at the rickety stairs if you can buy a normal house to start with? And then - any idea why is my house not selling on MN?
P.S. I was 30 years ago yesterday, but guess what, today I am 50 and life sometimes does not work out the way you plan and you remain living in the house you bought 20 years ago and count your lucky stars at the same time.

Neveranynamesleft · 16/05/2026 19:47

Life is short. You are an adult, do whatever you want to do and makes you happy, nobody's business but yours. You cannot turn the clock back.

Ilovecoffeeme · 16/05/2026 19:45

Your house, your choice. They can like it or lump it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/05/2026 19:44

I would ignore them completely. They know nothing about the UK housing market. If a downstairs loo is possible I would do that for your convenience not theirs. Good luck with your new house!

Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 19:41

BerryTwister · 16/05/2026 19:38

Some people on here are talking as if the house only has a toilet in the garden! Loads of houses don’t have a downstairs toilet. Even houses that are fairly modern.

OP your parents chose to move abroad. They chose to put themselves in a situation where they had to stay with you for weeks, rather than popping round for tea or meeting for a meal in town. That was their choice. And now this should be your choice. It’s your house, your life, and you should buy the house you want. If they care that much, they can pay to have a downstairs toilet put in.

Agree, I thought it was fairly normal to have one bathroom upstairs but suppose it depends on what you’re used to!
and yes you’re right re choices, I’ve always been a little bit sad about the fact we weren’t able to have that convenience and type of relationship that comes from popping in, but that didn’t stop them so this shouldn’t stop me!

OP posts:
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