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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

318 replies

Feel2old · 15/05/2026 23:23

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

OP posts:

ThisOneLife · 16/05/2026 08:45

Feel2old · 16/05/2026 00:15

Thanks for replies the post was for opinions

i certainly believe rules should be in place and that’s why many children these days are Ferrell and disrespectful however upon reading replies I have concluded I am being unreasonable so will have to look in the mirror and re consider

The word is feral
Ferrell is the name of a Hollywood actor.
Also, it’s “their” bottles, not “there”, there refers to a place.

I’m alerting you to this as you clearly like adherence to rules.

Geminispark · 16/05/2026 08:45

How awful I bet she can’t wait to leave home. My 12 and 14 year old stay up with me chatting, drinking tea, watching tv and we all go to bed at 10ish.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 16/05/2026 08:45

Why are you dictating when a 14 year old can eat and wash? That's really weird. Why shouldn't she make a cup of tea in her own home when she wants to? You're very controlling.

Ophir · 16/05/2026 08:43

YABVU and weird af

If you really do think these things then I’d consider moving out before you traumatise these dc more

Suggesting that a 14 year old is doing perfectly normal things “to get at you” is not normal

ImInTheCooler · 16/05/2026 08:43

'I make judgement on whether they can have it?'
who the fuck are you to make judgements on when a teenage girl can eat and drink. You're not even their dad? You are abusive and a control freak. Who the fuck do you think you are?

Totaldramallama · 16/05/2026 08:40

The problem here is your pointless rules. That is the only problem. If a teenage getting a cup of tea at 9pm is causing you to argue with your wife, you are the problem

StillsadstillHealing · 16/05/2026 08:39

My DP has his dd once a month for the weekend , since she was 12 she has spent evenings with us and we watch a film, have snacks etc you should include your DSD with your routine it’s good to have that connection and spend quality time together

Thetimeshop · 16/05/2026 08:38

CoyGoldenKoi · 15/05/2026 23:40

This is nuts, and extremely and unreasonably controlling.

At 14 she should be being given way more freedom. The aim of good parenting is to grow them up into competent adults who can regulate themselves. If they're all hedged about with rules like this, how will they ever learn to manage themselves?

Your rules are suitable for an 8 year old, max. After that, it's still too early, too harsh and too inflexible.

Yes, they should be allowed to make themselves food and drink pretty much whenever (but not necessarily WHATever) they like. You have a conversation with them about reasonable things, so not eating food that is planned for a family meal, or not all of the snacks, just a reasonable amount, or whatever.

You and your wife are presumably fighting, not because of your children (don't blame it on them!), but because of the extreme and unreasonable rigidity you're trying to impose on them, and her having a more reasonable view.

If you love your family, this is not a reasonable way to be. Look inside yourself, is this from your own childhood and your parents were unreasonably strict? Where is this need to control coming from? And how do you work on it to relax and let all the members of your family feel safe and relaxed in their own home? Because you're not allowing that at the moment.

Along with all the other posters here, I believe it's you who needs to change on this.

This.
OP in two years time she'll be able to leave the country or get a job or date freely and have etc etc etc. At the moment she's got rules to live by that sound more like those a very young child might suit, or an army training camp!

Are you of the extreme religion type? I know a girl who grew up in a cult-like community. She had rules like this. Needless to say, she's paid a fortune in therapy as an adult and still struggles with her identity and 'norms' and is very meek and easily walked over.

You're not allowing your stepdaughter to develop properly.

sofreaaa · 16/05/2026 08:37

You and your wife julie decide to force your children into an unconventional blended family set up and then you force them to obey rigid rules within this unconventional lifestyle.
Odd.

Namechangeforthisdilemma1 · 16/05/2026 08:37

Feel2old · 16/05/2026 00:15

Thanks for replies the post was for opinions

Rules yes.

But you adapt as they get older.

I think a 14 year old can have a later bedtime than the younger ones though, you have to be flexible as they get older! My 9 year old has a different bedtime rule to my 4 year old, it’s pure common sense.

You’re also totally overruling your wife’s opinion in all of this, and sound very controlling. Maybe seek some therapy for yourself to explore that.

Mischance · 16/05/2026 08:36

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 16/05/2026 08:32

Could you actively encourage them
all downstairs to be with you (play a game, watch a film) at times and make them
feel like you want to hang together. We do the opposite here. I don’t want kids in their rooms on gadgets, I like us together downstairs, fire on, chatting and having a laugh.

Edited

This precisely.
This is their home where you share your lives together.
By all means make rules about important things, but it sounds as though you just make rules for the sake of it and do not consider that it is their home too and they need to be able to relax.... and feel welcome!
If you don't loosen up you are going to have a seriously unhappy home when true teenage rebellion sets in!

Pricelessadvice · 16/05/2026 08:36

A 14 year old shouldn’t be sent upstairs at 8.30 and told she needs to ask for a cup of tea! A 14 year old is capable of making their own tea and she should be able to make that cup of tea in the middle of the night if she wants one, provided she doesn’t wake the family up.

You are treating her like a toddler.

ForeverTheOptomist · 16/05/2026 08:36

Firstly, I must admit that it was difficult to understand all that you said in your post. Perhaps you could try using some punctuation and the correct grammar in future as has been pointed out by other posters. From what I can gather though, you could possibly have written the issue in a few lines rather than what felt to be several eons of waffle This is not a dig, but if you want constructive comments you need to write constructive and literate posts.

As it is, I believe that your 14 year old is bordering on adulthood. She should be treated as such and not be treated in the same was as her younger sibs. Perhaps the three of you (you, your wife, the daughter) could sit down together and talk it through, hopefully finding an arrangement that suits you all. Treating her like a child is going to push her away.

seventeenofsumday · 16/05/2026 08:34

You sound awful op. Sounds like a military camp not a home!!!

Pipsquiggle · 16/05/2026 08:32

@Feel2old
EVERY 14 year old will push boundaries. It's called growing up.
You sound very rigid and unyielding
I have a 14 year old. He's a good kid. Does well at school, participates and tries hard. So when he questions rules, I do question myself as he is growing up and needs a bit more freedom.
There are a few rules I will stick to:
No eating just before bed or any caffeinated/ sugary drinks.
No bringing clothes down at 9pm saying they need it washed for tomorrow (this really triggers me)
He can eat fruit and veg whenever he likes.

Is your SD generally a good kid? If so you need to lighten up... A lot.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 16/05/2026 08:32

Mischance · 16/05/2026 08:29

You are a control freak. Let these poor children relax in their own home.

SwirlingAroundSleep · 16/05/2026 08:29

My 14 year old is in her room by 8:30-9:00 and that was always my parents rule too. The exception is that Saturday is her late night where she gets to choose a film/tv show or something else and we stay up late doing that. She gets week days in the holidays too but it’s not every night. I don’t think we’re draconian or evil but neither would we tell her she can’t shower after 8:30 and she does pop out of her room and downstairs to ask us things. Our rule is based around her relaxing and going to bed at a sensible time, not staying up watching screens, if she comes downstairs to chat about something we don’t mind.

with regards to food we also don’t allow a free for all but certain snacks (e.g. fruit) should be fine. If it’s a big issue maybe try what we do with our younger kids which is that they each have a snack box in the holidays (it’s healthy stuff btw) which they know they can take from anytime and it stops them asking constantly and irritating us.

xyzandabc · 16/05/2026 08:29

Your rules are suitable for primary age children. As they get older 'the rules' need to grow with them.

I have 3 teens, since the age of 12, two of them have had an evening activity that doesn't finish until 9.30pm so they're not even home until 9.45pm twice a week. The 16 yr old now has a job that can finish as late as 11pm.

You say they need to ask for food? The only meal we provide is dinner, they are free to make their own breakfasts and lunches and snacks as they see fit. Obviously I buy the food.

I don't see how a 14 yr old making a cup of tea or having a bath at 9pm affects you in any way. If they didn't have to ask you for permission to have a drink, they wouldn't have to disturb you at all.

It's actually nice having a conversation with my teens in the evening or watching a TV show together. Sometimes it's when they start to open up and tell us about their day or what's going on in their lives. I can't imagine banishing them upstairs at 8.30pm

I think your rules need a refresh to acknowledge that the children are not little anymore and need a bit more independence and ability to manage their own lives (like getting their own drinks) without you micromanaging them.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 16/05/2026 08:27

Loosen up and the home will be a happier one. We try to put rules in place but teenagers get hungry at all times and sometimes mine are up too late finishing homework. I want our home to feel safe and for them to feel comfortable. I guess this is how you were raised. You have the power to change this situation for the better.

WydeStrype · 16/05/2026 08:26

Feel2old · 16/05/2026 06:33

So to clarify they are not banished upstairs 8.30pm atall that’s like a wind down time they come up and down freely when they want in and out the house downstairs or just to watch tv. they are upstairs most the time on gadgets or whatever and pop down if they need something..but in general weekdays is own rooms at half nine that doesn’t mean DONT LEAVE YOUR ROOM for a drink ect
they pop down at gone 10.30 sometimes to fill up there bottle or whatever.

and rules are set together not by me I have also told my wife that rules can be set by her if I’m doing wrong or too harsh and she will for sure correct me if she believes I’m wrong. The issue I feel is regardless of what rules are set they are being broken to agetate (IMO) or if I ask not to do something it will be done on purpose. and maybe I’m a bit harsh and maybe IBU so I need to re consider certian things/rules

the bath late that’s on me because she hasn’t had one anywhere near that late before and knows I prefer for them to not bath that late I’m telling myself other things are being done on purpose so maybe she’s gunna leave a mess so yeah that’s on me IBU

if they have hot drink no later then 8.30 that should be for all again IMO AND AGAIN I COULD BE WRONG to some people or all

it’s not the matter of a tea or a bath or raiding the cupboard at 2am that was an example of a rule we set for all that should be followed by all and again for some people that may be wrong but it’s what we decided on..

i do believe in rules more then my wife but I’m happy for her to set it I just like to know what’s going on..

but yes at 14 the boundaries should maybe be changed.

so it wasn’t a post about she shouldn’t do this or she shouldn’t do that it was more of if we all know certian rules is she just doing it to get at me

But your thought process is in itself mad.

No, your 14 yr old is not calculating her every move to 'get at you'.

She is living her life, in her home. Whilst having to dance around your inflexibility and weirdness.

PralineHottie · 16/05/2026 08:26

Also just to add I would let them come down after 8:30pm and help themselves to food and a drink (a cup of tea in the evening is basically like having an energy drink so no idea why people are agreeing with that) but a sandwich etc is fine, if she’s expecting you or your wife to make it and clear the mess each time then it’s time to teach her how to do it herself

hahabahbag · 16/05/2026 08:23

Very controlling op. Not reasonable to expect a 14 year old to be upstairs by 8.30pm daily. By 10 is more reasonable unless they are up particularly early. Tea is not a suitable evening drink unless herbal, i wouldn’t allow caffeine after 2pm

Flickergoo · 16/05/2026 08:21

Northermcharn · 16/05/2026 07:47

This can't be a real / true post. I hope it isn't anyway.

I know, I hate all the men coming on with step family issues like this, tbh.

CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 16/05/2026 08:18

PralineHottie · 16/05/2026 08:12

This is so far from draconian or abusive - how over dramatic. At 14, she can easily have a bath at 8:30 pm when she goes up. She can then read and play/do something until 9:30 pm or 10:00 pm with a drink in her room before sleep. This is perfectly reasonable. At 14, I imagine she’s capable of spending an hour and a half sorting out her own evening relaxation and bedtime routine. It sounds like she’s bored or is craving some conversation general attention before bed…I’d expect you or your wife to engage with her either in talk or a small activity before lights out to curb any loneliness or boredom etc. I’d just say you can do whatever you want during these times as long as you’re in bed by x time without the phone etc.

Edited

What the ?? Why does she have to have a bath at 8.30? Why do the parents have to go to her ? What am I reading? She's 14. It's her HOME! Why does @Feel2old set the rules? It's a family home. Its not HIS home. Jesus 😳🙄

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