AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

It's sounds like a prison camp with rigid lockdowns.

At 14 your time for adult time when the kids are in bed are done. At that age the sleep needs will be very simular to an adult. How would you cope being shut in your room from 8:30pm hours before you are ready to sleep? Actually why don't you do that to get your space. Teen and mum then might actually have some fun bonding time.

You really shouldn't have got with someone with kids if you want them out the way to this extent. You will have a row over her coming down for a drink at 9pm, that is extreme. Poor kid and mum will feel like they are walking on eggshells. You are doing a lot of damage to that little girls brain

Fucking hell.

You’re a controlling arsehole and you know it. Your rules are not sustainable.

Oh and Congratulations, you’re well on your way to your SD moving out the first chance she gets and never speaking to you again.

They’re getting older time, to review the rules.

@Feel2old
I totally agree with Pinkissmart, none alcoholic drinks should never be denied, but I am adding to that 'whatever the time, and whatever their age'.

However, that doesn't mean that they should be allowed a soda at that time in the evening, but water, one glass of semi-skimmed milk, or a cup of tea - either very weak as I like it, or maybe only decaffeinated after 6.00pm - for everyone, including any adults in the family - are all reasonable choices. If a child seems to be extraordinarily thirsty, and the house isn't too hot, and they haven't been exercising, then taking them for a trip to the doctor to test for Diabetes might be a good idea!

But, DON'T deny them a drink if they are thirsty, and a glass of water by their bed in case they get thirsty overnight is not enough, and unless it is in a thermos flask it would soon become too warm, and unappetising.

You are abusing your step-daughter, and probably all the other children as well. You are also abusing your wife by making her have to argue with you over your bullying and abusive behaviour. I wonder if you will pay any attention to the vast majority of us on here who are telling you that you must stop this abusive behaviour - whether they are labelling it as being abusive or not?

You are being massively unreasonable. 9pm bedtime at 14 is insane. Why are they banished from family spaces? Why dont you like them? Children's circadian rhythm isnt the same as adults and they quite often seek company and to download thier day at you when you prefer to be in bed because that wen they wake up. You sound strict mean and unreasonable

The most unpleasant bit of all this is the, "they have to beg for food while I pontifcate and mull over whether to grant them a morsel."

This way eating disorders abound.

I've got teen girls and they are not feral nor disrespectful. They are absolutely fabulous and work hard at school, help at home and are funny, kind and interesting. They also get to choose what and when they eat, drink and wash. They have freedom to move around the house at will and to spend time up or downstairs in the evening. Contrary to you I ask that if they are awake and wanting to watch screens that they do that downstairs with us and that they don't isolate themselves in their rooms with their phones for hours.

We dont have set rules about timings and zoning. We have more general guiding principles over tidying up after yourself, thinking of others (not using all the milk and not making noise if others are in bed), and taking responsibility for looking after yourself physically ie getting enough sleep and eating well.

Who died and made you King/Queen of absolutely fucking everything?

I haven't RTFT, just your replies and I don't think that you really like your eldest daughter very much OP.
If you carry on as you are and you will become a fully fledged DOMESTIC TYRANT. 😡

This post sounds like rage bait, but made me feel very sad for your eldest daughter. 😔

When we were growing up, our elder brother had a whole half an hour extra before his bedtime as he was 3 years older. Why has she not got extra time for being the oldest? 🤔

A few things you said struck me;

usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.
What ages are the children?
Is the 14 year old expected to go to bed at the same time, as say, an 8 year old? 🤔

I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm.
Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances.
Why this specific time? What are the different circumstances? 🤷‍♀️

our oldest will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife.
She may have genuinely forgot the time. Why does she have to ASK for a tea? Can't she be shown how to make her own cup? ☕️

I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things.
WRONG. Your daughter may have been in school all day, then clubs/meeting pals, homework and having her evening meal. 😬

she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.
is this for real?
You said now look at the upcoming days she will do things, and then she asked for a sandwich?
You are setting her up to fail, that girl cannot win!
Do you enjoy feeling like you have been proved right? 🫩

my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath.
and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree.
Your wife is correct. You don't disagree, but feel like she does these things on purpose? So you want to have it both ways, to prove yourself as right. 😒

my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case.
just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
Ahh so IT IS definitely your oldest that you have the problem with, as all the other children are not bothering you and follow the draconian rules to the letter?
Maybe it's because they fear you after hearing you then argue after witnessing their older sisters normal actions.
😠

They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
You make judgement? Wow the choice of your language is VERY telling in this OP.
You sound like very very hard work to live with. 🫩

I will put a scenario to you and see how it would go in YOUR house.
Young girl aged 14, goes for a wee and suddenly without warning, finds that she's came on a very heavy period at 9pm. Its everywhere, she becomes ravenous and it hurts, A LOT.
But because it is past her 8:30pm (kitchen's now closed as is the downstairs area) cut off time, she thinks nope, I will have to crack on.
No bath - which would clean her up
No food - which would make her feel better.
No cuppa tea - which would soothe her.

Would this scenario fall under your comment of Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances.
then OP?
Would this poor girl have to explain to her draconian stepdad (you) that she is on a heavy period and that is why she would like to be permitted to go downstairs for food and a hot drink, then she must await your judgement and final decision on the matter?

Nope OP, I believe YABU and it is disgraceful.
You sound like A DICTATOR in your own home. 👿

My father was actually strict, we had a rule of - in bedroom by 9 and lights out by 10pm on a school night as 14 year olds.
But during the weekend, it was fun and a bit more relaxed.
But even my old dad would say, this house is a democracy and not a dictatorship and the rules are flexible, and he was from.the generation of 'kids are seen and not heard' and was born the year after WW2 ended!
Yet he sounds more easy going than you! 😨
He certainly didn't have rules around food, and would make sure we had lots of food in the cupboards, as he grew up starving poor, and knew that teens could eat forever!

It sounds like you want down time in the evening. But you are going the complete wrong way about it.
This vibe of my rules and my judgement - is draconian at best and abusive at worst.
You need a man cave in the attic/garage or a shed /cabin in the garden, where you can go to decompress. Or better yet get an hour in your own bedroom.
You need to re-look at these rules and massively lighten up!
Your children are not robots, but individual people who need their own individual bed times and a bit more freedom. 🙄

ETA: Is this your step daughter OP?
I wonder if you would be a lot more accommodating if she was actually your bio daughter.
I feel so sorry for your poor wife. I don't know how she's stayed so long.
She is basically a referee in her own home.
Her poor daughter will end up hating you and will leave home early - unless that is the outcome that you desire? 🤨
After reading this OP it wouldn't surprise me in the least. @Feel2old

is she just doing it to get at me

That is an extraordinary line of thought on your part.
Not everything is about you.

I suggest you read some books on teenage development.
Teenagers are notorious for challenging authority and rules, from anyone and everywhere. It is what they do.

They also eat HUGE amounts (especially boys) because biologically they need to, especially if they are getting a healthy amount of exercise, so be prepared to increase your food bills and drop all rules about when and how much they can eat. Give them free access to the cupboards and fridge, at any time of day or night, as long as they clean up after themselves.
They should also cook family meals on a rota. Learning to cook for the family is an essential life skill.

This is what it comes down to op.

Rules about bedtime based on how much sleep they need: yes, responsible rule as part of responsible parenting.

Rules about coming downstairs in their own home after 8:3opm: no, controlling behaviour because you actually can't be arsed parenting.

I hope on the last day he does a post 9 pm poo on the carpet.

The bizarrely strict and seemingly arbitrary rules risk the kids rebelling in a major way. Pick your battles, don’t sweat the small stuff.

Are you allowed a drink or a bath after 8:30pm? Of course you are.

ds best friend has a step dad with similar rules. The poor lad has had to move home for a bit after his masters.

He’s 23 and isn’t allowed to use the toilet after 9pm. He’s counting down the days until his job starts and he can move out.

i do believe in rules more then my wife but I’m happy for her to set it I just like to know what’s going on..

You're not happy though. Your wife has suggested that there should be flexibility and the 'rule' should be that the 14yo is allowed to make tea when she wants. But you didn't like that. Your way or the highway.

If you say you just want some kind of a rule, count how many hours of sleep kids need, depending on their wake up time. And make a rule that they need to be in bed by that time, otherwise can adjust their own schedule.

⬆️ this. As so often happens on here, first post nails it.

Also, why all the shouty capitals?

You come across generally as quite bossy.

Wow. Your follow up comments just compound my concerns.

“I have also told my wife that rules can be set by her”

Do you honestly believe you are the person who gets to decide who makes the rules? Do you think you and your wife are not equal?

”if they have hot drink no later then 8.30 that should be for all again”

Why? Why this pointless rule? Im not sure you’ve grasped this yet but a 14 year old has very different needs to an eg 12 year old.

“I’m telling myself other things are being done on purpose”

It seems you need to take a long look at yourself. Can’t you see it - you are the problem. You don’t seem to understand children or child development. You don’t seem to understand family dynamics. You believe every action by others to be directed at you. What does this stem from? Your 14 year old is trying to mature into a young adult and make choices. There’s a high possibility her choices are far better and more balanced than yours. You need to listen to her.

My children tell me all the time about their peers - the ones with incredibly strict parents - who are behaving abominably and getting into trouble. Because the minute they are out of their stifling family home, they go wild.

I really hope the op poster of this has absolutely took on board the comments and that he has been shocked to the core enough to absorb what has been said, he will and for sure lose his connection with his family if not and damage at 14 may have already been done if you love your kids as you say you do please seek counselling help as you really do need it sorry

It is her home OP.

She can't come downstairs even for a drink after 8:30pm at age 14?

There can be a point at which rules get used as a camouflage for being controlling.

To me this smacks of the girl thinking you are a control freak and standing her ground against that - especially the comments about others being able to eat when they like. I'm not saying the latter would go down in every home, but these things are cumulative, and I really do not know of 14 year olds who are not allowed downstairs in the evening.

They must feel imprisoned up there...

I'm getting flashbacks to a friend's father who behaved this way in the '70s.

After the mother died, the elder daughter moved out and the younger girl was taken into care while she completed her Highers - she wasn't being allowed to put lights on after 9 pm.

The rules are the issue here. Not the teen. There is nothing to argue over here. Relax. Let her have the bath,the sandwich the tea. Its not that deep. Its her childhood not yours. The rules are over the top. Teens will have messy rooms. Sleep late. Stay up late. Its normal. Wanting a cup of tea is only causing an argue messy because of your attitude. Its you not her. You need to change.

I know it's not the point, but the grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and the use of the word "like", just got me too mad to comment.

I’m actually disturbed reading this. You sound so controlling and honestly this sounds abusive as many others have said already. I feel so sad for the children in your household, being forced into such regimented rules and not even allowed to make a cup of tea in the evening if they want one.

And this is exactly why I will never make my kids live with a man that is not their dad.

I think with children boundaries have to have purpose and they have to understand the reason as they grow older.

For example, if you said no bath after 9pm because the water tank was in your room making a noise and you had to be up for a 3am shift the child would see that as a reasonable request not an arbitrary rule to challenge.

Pretty soon they’ll be coming home after a night out at 1am and you’ll have spent the evening worrying if they’re ok. Things evolve constantly with children and rules have to shift and change constantly. The key is keeping it age appropriate and slowly letting things change so you’re a step ahead and they never have to challenge you.