AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

Wow !!!
totally shocked to hear your reign of control in this household OP !!!

you need to change your rules to some guidelines-

your family live in their home, not your prison or factory …..

you going to put swipe card points round the house ??? Programme times when the door releases ???

my dogs have more freedom than your kids …. Crazy !

Yes but they weren’t ‘house rules’. They were behaviours like good manners, respect from each of us to the other. They were absorbed like osmosis, not by me throwing my weight around. There’s a difference between raising your children to hopefully be good people, and having a list of rigid house rules that end up causing power battles. And it worked. My kids are great. I love their company, we treat each other kindly, they’re not part of the manosphere, they’re not laddish (they’re adult now), they’re really good, decent young men, so I know I did my parenting right (and all as a single parent).

This. You're being an absolute dick to her. She's 14, not 4.

Generally people should follow the rules of their home but there's a difference between rules that are for the good of all and rules that are being set by one person in order to try and control the world around them and it make tolerable just for them. At 14 your stepdaughter should be testing and pushing at rules and you should be open for debate and change, what you absolutely do not want is her going out into the world as a grown up thinking that she absolutely has to do whatever the person she lives with wants. This is a recipe for accepting all sorts of abuse.

OP, if you are a person who cannot relax around certain noises (kettle going off, people rustling around the kitchen, noise of water or the shower, the smell of food etc.) I hate to tell you this but your coping mechanisms are about to fail you hugely, all your kids will be teenagers, all your kids are going to want more freedom and to exist past 9.30. You need to unpick how much of the 'rules' are for your benefit so that you can keep yourself feeling ok and how much are actually for the good of the family. And you need to find yourself a new way to cope

You are being extremely weird.

We know that my nearly 14 year old DD needs are very different to when she was 8 years old. Your 14 step DD sleep/wake cycle has probably shifted so she may be doing things later compared to her younger siblings. I talk to my DD how it can be managed rather than have a battle. If your DD can't leave her bedroom at 8:30pm, what time does she start her own night routine bath/shower, etc? If it is around the 7ish mark, it's far too early. For context, My DD plays netball once a week 7-9pm so it would never fit her routine. I would personally cut her a bit of slack and enable her to have some control. Your step DD is at an age to have awareness what is reasonable and what is not. Quietly getting a drink and snack, having a bath and having a chat to you and her mum at around 9pm is not unreasonable. What would be unreasonable is that she is blasting her music and shouting at you both.

What the hell is wrong with you???? This sounds awful for those poor children.

Er, yeah, she probably is deliberately challenging your “rules”. Because they are preposterous. I suggest you access some therapy and try to unclench, because living under your boot sounds intolerable.

So household rules? You don't get a drink or wash after 8.30pm yourself?

Ridiculous rule and beyond controlling.

She's not doing anything on purpose tp make you and your wife argue, you're being a prat and your wife knows it.

But you would have had rules, unspoken rules of eg consideration for other family members, respecting privacy and possessions, helpful out if needed. That’s what helps children develop. That’s what’s lacking in the OP’s household.

OP, how would you like to be told you couldn't have a drink after a certain time? Or have a bath/shower if you felt mucky? Or not be able to eat if you are peckish? Can you not imagine how soul destroying it is that ordinary activities are being policed?
FWIW, my DH had a father like you. He was also mean with money. And not a happy person. If he wasn't in control, he was angry. My DH despised him.

Are you running a Prison or are you all supposed to live at home? Sounds more like a prison to me with rules and regulations! At 14 all normal children are pushing boundaries and should be doing so. How else are they going to cope in the wide world?

My DH says "Rules and regulations are for the guidance of the wise and slavish obedience of fools".

14!!!
ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️
get a grip here!!!!!!
that’s ridiculous to want to confine her to her room!!

Rules set sensible boundaries. Your children are getting older and it is clear that boundaries need to change to suit each child. Individual rules for each child.

General rules I agree with are ..

Phones down stairs time
Homework started/completed
No eating after set time
Dirty clothes in laundry
Chores each day
In bed by
Lights out
Good manners and respect for others
Breakfast over by
Ready for school by

Discuss and revisit rules as a family.
You and your wife agree.
Both then hold strong and stand together so kids won't take the mickey.

This. Add in not speaking to her mom because she's brought someone so oppressive and harsh into their home.

Are you trying to get them to leave the minute they can? Or move in with friends because of your insanely controlling rules around their hygiene and food and not being allowed to spend time with their mom in the evening?

Op this is bordering on coercive control!!
put your self in therapy to work out your issues before your wife leaves you or you end up in trouble with the law.
it’s not just your home is the kids home too.
you really need to listen to what you have been told on here.
and you couldn’t be more wrong with your outdated rules about kids being feral.
my children have no set rules as such, my 15 year old plays grass roots sports and can sometimes not get in till 8.30. He’s allowed to come in and wind down then get a bath, he’s not feral in any way at all!
how would you feel if your wife banished you to your bedroom.
seriously, get some therapy asap!!!

My DC is 14. She will have a shower at 9pm, come down for snacks at 8.45pm and its a bit annoying but she’s not doing anything wrong…. Once they are teens you can’t be as harsh. I realised that she was doing those things at those times because she’s revising hard for her GCSE mocks too. So Im not getting on her case about a 9pm shower or bath!
I do have a rule when dh goes out that I like them to be in their rooms from 8pm but purely for me to have me time. I’ve started just taking a hot drink to bed instead as that gets me more peace 🤣
You sound very inflexible and this is not a hill to die on 🤣

im currently dealing with hrt-related unexpected flooding. I’m trying to imagine having to ask permission for a shower to deal with that. And being miscalled on the internet if I didn’t.

I don’t really agree with your rules, and I struggle to understand why you want them upstairs every evening. I’m lucky enough to have some work flexibility, so I’m often home when my dd gets in from school - but I also have a hobby a few nights a week. If my dc were expected to be upstairs every evening, I’d barely see them. Don’t get me wrong, they often choose to go up, but I’d never encourage it as a rule.

For what it’s worth, my kids have always had free rein of the house and can help themselves to anything at any time. Aside from the odd occasion where ds comes in late and leaves a bit of a mess in the kitchen, we’ve never had issues. They’re both nearly adults now and are kind, respectful, and definitely not feral.

As for your stepdaughter, she may well be testing boundaries. That’s what teenagers do. It isn’t always about disrespect or trying to provoke you (though only you know your dynamic). Often it’s just them figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world. You’re already an adult with far more life experience, so it’s up to you to help her navigate this stage using the tools you’ve gained over the years.

If you want a close relationship with your dc as they grow up, coming down hard on rules that many would see as a bit ott probably won’t help that bond. A huge part of parenting teens is rising above the small stuff. If she’s putting herself or anyone else in danger, absolutely step in. But a cup of tea and a bath later than you’d prefer? That would be in the “let it go” category for me.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had friends who found themselves in a similar situation some years ago.

It escalated and the younger daughter was taken into foster care after her teachers realised that something was amiss. Fortunately, her foster carers were super. The girl passed all her exams and made it to university - no thanks to her domineering father.

This from previous poster is incredibly valid:

“I will put a scenario to you and see how it would go in YOUR house.
Young girl aged 14, goes for a wee and suddenly without warning, finds that she's came on a very heavy period at 9pm. Its everywhere, she becomes ravenous and it hurts, A LOT.
But because it is past her 8:30pm (kitchen's now closed as is the downstairs area) cut off time, she thinks nope, I will have to crack on.
No bath - which would clean her up
No food - which would make her feel better.
No cuppa tea - which would soothe her.”

My 14 year old has a very irregular menstrual cycle. It can be anything from 14-35 days. When she starts her period it can be very messy and she needs a shower. She also needs more fluid and food. My heart is breaking for your step daughter sitting in her room wondering how on earth to solve this problem.

I have a 14 year old. While yes, he does have a bedtime, it's 10pm, I'm not going to enforce it other than a "you've got school in the morning, maybe you should go to bed" and he not only doesn't have to ever ask for a drink, tea or otherwise, he can have one whenever he wants.

You are being far too strict and she's already pushing back. Flex on the unimportant things, like going upstairs for an 830pm wind down time, and be stronger on the important things, like you must be home before 10pm on a Saturday.

@Feel2old

Teenagers don't break rules "to get at you".

I'm not intending to be harsh, but you need to understand you're not the main character in anyone's story but your own.
Everyone is the main character in their own story.

She's doing it because there are some (perfectly reasonable) things that she wants, for herself, and some of those things happen to conflict with the arbitrary rules you've set (which I'm glad to see you're reconsidering your approach. Well done. It's a sign of strength and maturity to be able to take feedback on board and change.)

Teenagers break rules because it's developmentally completely normal, and something they need to do to figure out who they are as adults, transitioning from children who can be told and regulated by their parents, to adults who regulate themselves and make their own rules in alignment with their own values.

Yes, you will find it uncomfortable.
Yes, she will make decisions you don't agree with or approve of.

Yes, she's inevitably going to make decisions that you think are stupid, or dangerous, or a bad idea or whatever. That's part of the job of teenagers, to make mistakes and to learn from them. You need to relax and let her make her own mistakes, in a way that's relatively safe and she can learn from effectively.

And you need to learn to handle that calmly and lovingly and with discussion and conversation which respects her autonomy and the adult she's growing into, and doesn't see her as "defying your authority" or "disrespecting my rules/values".

She's a different person to you. She will have some of your values, but also some which are different. If you want a decent relationship with her as an adult, you need to start seeing in her the adult she will become, and respecting that.

I find your rules really bizarre and arbitraty. It seems that the main aim is to get the kids out of sight and stop them from consuming what you consider your stuff, as they need to beg for food and you make a judgement if then need it.
It's not because of their well-being, because you say they are 'upstairs on their gadgets or whatever'. Sounds like you don't care what kids (and the rest are below 14?) do the entire evening on their gadgets, as long as they don't disturb you downstairs.

Sounds cruel to me and I can't imagine making a 14 year old so this.
I'm glad she's testing your rules and I hope you self reflect on how stupid they are
Also you need to get teens ready to face the world and calling you out on this stupidity is a good thing.