AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

I don’t disagree that rules are needed and bedtimes etc are appropriate but this does feel heavy handed and quite controlling. Maybe she is ‘playing’ you a bit but that’s what teenagers do - they test boundaries. I think you need to have a chat with your wife and agree some boundaries but with some flexibility. I’m not trying to be patronising and I hope that’s seen as helpful.

When you have teenagers, if you want time without them, you are the one that retreats to the bedroom to get peace. You don't send them to bed like they are 6!

Your rules are ridiculous and will lead to very unhappy children and the impact of your relationship with them will be lifelong.

I'm really hoping this is a joke or an AI post. If it's real, OP, all I can say is I'm very glad you said you'd 'reconsider'.

You’ve been with your wife for 11 years, and this girl is 14, so you got together when she was only 3 years old? And she is the eldest of the four children you both already had? Doesn’t add up.

Seems made up to me, but just in case, you’re being unreasonable. Everyone in your family should be able to move freely around their own home. Preventing a child from drinking, eating or washing is abusive. You can’t shut children away when they become an inconvenience.

You are a bully.

Why is the rest of the family banished upstairs at 8.30 pm in their own home ?

The arguing is on you -you could just talk about it.
I feel uncomfortable reading your post; xdp used to make similarly arbitrary 'rules' without discussing them or checking that those whom he expected to live by said rules actually consented. And if challenged -you guessed it: an argument. A grim way to live.

We do have rules now but they're discussed and agreed by all concerned:
•not allowed to disappear upstairs for the whole evening but must do some hanging out or connecting with another family member;
• If they have friends over (odd occasion), kick-out is 9.30 on a school night (so shoot me) and by arrangement on non-school nights, following check-in with visiting young person's parents;
•DC inform me of what they want to eat / snack on so I know what's being used, on the understanding that I can decline if I've plans to use it (we're an 'ingredients' house so not much to snack on anyway except for unlimited fruit);
•kitchen shuts at 10pm, and any dishes generated after washing up after dinner must be hand-washed and put away by the person who generated them; baths and showers can be taken at any time as long as the bather / showerer stays up for 20 minutes after said bath or shower to shut the bathroom window afterwards (ventillating after bath / shower is compulsory),
•DC (12 +15) sensibly create their own bedtime routine and lights-out. No problems. And crucially, if they want to come downstairs to talk to me, of course they're welcome any time, for as long a they want!

Nailed it.

Stop all of your draconian rules, you’re not running a Victorian orphanage.
No go upstairs at 8:30, go to bed at 9:30
No food, drink, bath after 8:30
These are incredibly controlling and abusive and so what if DD age 14 is defying your batshit rules? You deserve it.

DD isn’t causing rows, YOU are by using coercive control which is abuse.

I re a Viz comic character 'Victorian Dad'.
Seems he's been brought to life🎩

It's too early for a fourteen year to go upstairs at 8.30 and bed not that long afterwards.

Rules like that are for young children.

I hope this is a reverse and the wife in the situation is seeing what a controlling arse you are.

What everyone else said.

It’s tough as they get older and you don’t get evening time as a couple any more. But the solution is not to keep sending a 14 yr old to her room at 8.30. That’s crazy early.

You're very controlling. I'd do more than row with you if I was your wife, you'd be gone. 14 year olds shouldn't be confined to their bedrooms by 8.30 and unable to wash or even get a drink, nor should their food intake be controlled.

What a miserable existence for these kids and a 14 yr old girl with no access to her mum after 8.30pm? That's the time I'd sit with my mum and watch telly and chat and talk about any worries when I was a teen, when the younger kids were in bed. You want the children to be invisible after 8.30pm ridiculous behaviour on your part. If I was your wife (not that I would ever be as it would never have gotten this far) I'd leave you for thai

Are you allowed a cup of tea at night?

You sound awful.

This is just school nights? How old are the other kids?

This might have worked when they were younger but she’s only 3-4 years from being an adult - time to start letting the older teens ‘live’ in the whole of the house before bedtime.

Is sujest u have a conservatory or another room for a extra TV fir adults and let kids have a room 830 to be in your room at 14 years old is pure abuse, god I don't have to be in from friends houses at 14 till 9pm then bath bed, if u want space and quiet build another room in your house or go to bed at 830 yourself with a TV out way and let rest of the household be normal for god sake man if u carry on like this u will be in your own house and have kids on a weekend or maybe that would suit you?!

A 14yo should not need permission to get a cup of tea. It doesn’t matter what time it is. If she fancies tea at 2am, she can make herself tea as long as she is quiet and cleans up after herself.

you have teenagers and you are treating them like toddlers.

This ‘Love them all’ sounds hollow.
You want them out of the way
14 yo knows this. The others will cotton on fast.
What about friends in the evening.
Btw she’ll be wanting to go out with boys soon. That should be interesting …

If you don't like your stepdaughter eating in the evening, leave.

You're extremely rigid and controlling of the food and hygiene of teens and tweens that aren't your kids.

What? Why aren't the kids allowed downstairs after 8:30 pm?? If you are going to implement batshit rules you should expect them to be 'tested' by teens. I'd be concerned how broken a teen would be not to test such controlling rules.

It's not ok for your wife to call you an idiot-spouses shouldn't talk to each other like this, especially around kids.
You and your wife need to decide what the rules, if any, are, 9 seems early to me, but if they have to catch a very early school bus or whatever, I get it. Once you have both decided, you stick to them, or there's no point. And the kids can have a bottle of water in their rooms so they don't need to boil the kettle.
Saying there are rules, then one of you saying the rules don't matter, and insulting the step parent and rowing in front of the kids is not doing any of you any good.

Ok so I wouldnt be thrilled at a bath at 9pm.
However making them go upstairs at 8.30 at 14 is a bit extreme. Mine is allowed downstairs until 10pm then bed. If I want to watch a programme that isnt suitable then I ask if they can scoot at 9pm into the other room.

Your rules and bedtimes are nuts for teens and preteens. You live in a house with her kids and you expect them to be not seen after the bedtime of a 4 year old. Fuck off with that bullshit.