AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

I can tell you when those children slip the leash they are going to go wild. Children brought up this strictly always do. One of my friends once ended up in a hall of residence type arrangement. Almost everybody else there had been educated at strict convent boarding schools. Those girls were boy crazy and drank like fishes. My friend who had relatively liberal parents had never seen anything like it.

Of course rules need to be in place, but this is controlling and that’s different. Her bedtime needs to be her choice now. As long as she’s not making a mess. You don’t get to protect your evenings now the kids are teens. You need to relax or i’d be leaving you if you were angry at my child for having a bath or wanting a cup of tea. That’s right up there with 10 ways to kill a relationship.

'we all know the time frames we are living by'
You've tried to set timescales, that don't make sense and like any person, she occasionally wants a drink and some interaction, outside these exceptionally controlling rules. These rules are made up, by you, they no longer suit the other people, who live in, what's supposed to be their home. I'd love you to run this by the pastoral care person, in her school, safeguarding would get involved. This is emotional abuse and controlling behaviour, your wife could actually go to the police with this. I hope if there no change, your wife ends the marriage to limit the damage to her children.

Why do you have these stupid rules? Is it just because you can? It’s their home they should be able to get a drink whenever they like. Honestly pick your battles

Is this post really about whether their tea options are decaf or not?

Firstly, learn to use paragraphs.

Secondly, YABU. She’s not a 4 year old coming downstairs asking you to read her a story, she’s 14 and if she wants a cup of tea she can come down and make one herself.

It sounds very controlling of you to be saying a teenager can’t come downstairs that early on in the night.

She won't be getting to sleep if she's drinking caffeinated tea in the evening, surely!?

A family can have rules and routine, but it needs to be fair and reasonable, and it needs to evolve as the children get older. It seems like these rules are applied to all the children and haven’t changed since you moved in together. A 14 year old is very different to a 5 year old.

Rules also need to take into account the individual children - for example child A can be left at home alone for the evening at 14; child B can’t be trusted not to set the house on fire getting themselves a glass of water, so when they are 14 they are not allowed the same freedom as child A.

My children ,as teenagers went to bed later than me !

You are WAY too controlling OP.

i certainly believe rules should be in place and that’s why many children these days are Ferrell

Which era?

Blades of Glory or Elf?

Have you ever met a teenager before?

She's asking for a drink/sandwich or having a bath, not stealing your car or taking drugs.

Seems like it's you just want everyone to obey you.

You believe what you want. Personal experience of raising three DC to adulthood, and watching their friends grow up has shown me the stricter the parent, the greater they rebellion.

The original post made for very uncomfortable reading. I feel dreadful for your wife but more importantly for your children.

You want your children to be upstairs and out of your hair at 8.30? Don’t you like them? I have a 14 and 17 year old. I work full time and look forward to hanging out with them in the evenings. I chose to have a family. They’re great fun, and it’s lovely watching them mature and being a part of that process.

Eating and drinking in the evening- both my children are growing very fast. My 14 year old daughter in particular has grown literal inches in height in the past 6 months. In addition, when she has her period she gets low blood sugar and feels faint and needs to keep her energy levels up. She gets very hungry and thirsty in evenings and it’s important she has a healthy relationship with food so we encourage her to make her own choices. They are healthy choices and she is sensible in her food prep. She also eats the very healthy home cooked meals I prepare and helps me prepare these. I’m genuinely worried that the draconian rules you impose will foster an unhealthy relationship with food and drink and lead to binging, or secret consumption.

Washing - both my children regularly shower after 8.30pm. Often after 9pm. As do I. Again I want to foster good time management and hygiene habits and help them grow into independent young adults.

My 14 year old goes to bed between 10 and 10.30. She gets up for school at 6.30-7. she stays up later on Fridays and Saturdays and sleeps in a little at weekends. She’s a teenager. She’s charming and kind and hard working, is doing well at school, and we work together to develop an understanding of what is appropriate at home, and when.

Unfortunately you sound like a bully and the arguments are of your own doing. You are also at risk of seriously alienating your children and step children. Also at risk of stunting their developing maturity. I’m glad to hear you are taking on board the criticism.

An aside. I loathe hearing people describe children as feral. Or even ‘Ferrell’ as you put it. This shows immense lack of judgement and maturity in thinking.

Why is it feral to want a cup of tea in the evening? In 4 years time the 14 year old will be an adult. That’s no time at all. It doesn’t sound as though you’ve thought at all about how she navigates that transition and learns what she needs to know to be safe and not open to manipulation and exploitation. She needs autonomy, not draconian, arbitrary rules.

My 14 year old could get something to eat at 3am at the weekend if she wanted. I wouldn't care less (aside from hoping she brushed her teeth!)

Having to be upstairs from 8:30pm is just awful. Poor girl! Treated like an 8 year old at 14!

Did you and your wife agree these ‘rules’ together? How old were the kids when they were put in place if so? Sounds to me like you need more flexibility, this seems ridiculously draconian.

Honestly, at this time in their life teens need to learn how to socialise, have grown up talk about lots of topics and situations - this means they don't turn out feral.
Shutting them away will cause you more problems.
Instead embrace their journey to adulthood - debate current affairs, learn a card game - even teach them poker!
Have a cup of tea together - the occasional beer on a special occasion.
They need to learn how to be adults and this is the time to do it. And I can honestly say as someone who is going through it - it's a great time

This post is a wind up! Ferrell 😂

I get you want an evening and time to chill. My friend is the same - mum to 3 teens - but 830 is early

I don’t see the harm in her or the others making a cuppa or a sarnie as long as tidy up any mess

same with having a relaxing bath or shower

but good you reliese may have been a little strict

This only makes sense if the communal areas of the house are upstairs and when the children come downstairs for a cup of tea or whatever they have to knock on your bedroom door and ask for it. In that case, yes - let them help themselves to what they need from the kitchen. Give them boundaries about what can and can't be eaten/drunk. Then if they're still coming down after their bedtimes on a regular basis, that can be dealt with by enforcing the actual bedtimes, not an artificial "upstairs" time. Yes, you and your wife need some time alone together but every night when there are preteens and young teens in the house is unrealistic. Maybe set aside a weekly "date night" where the kids do their own thing and you do yours, but not every night!

Also, even if the 14yo is testing boundaries or protesting your rules, she isn't doing it to make you and your wife row as there's not really anything to row about.

if this is genuine, then you are being totally unreasonable.

why does your 14 year old step daughter need to be in her room for 20:30? Why can she not have a drink or a bath after that?

Do your own bio children have to stick to your rules, or is it just your step daughter?

If you are not careful, you are potentially setting up a situation with a golden child/ children ( your bio children) and a scape goat ( your stepdaughter) situation.

If I was your wife, I would be leaving you and divorcing you over your Victorian rules around this and putting my child/ children first before you continue to inflict anymore emotional harm or damage to the poor girl.

Of course children and teens need boundaries to feel safe, but your rules are absurd bordering on abusive.

They clearly show you have zero understanding of what young people, especially teen girls need emotionally and physically growing up. Having a drink when thirsty or bathing when you need to are basic human rights!

Sounds like you think you're running a prison.

Why are you banning your children from having drinks from 8:30pm? Do you ban yourself from drinking after 8:30pm? You can’t put a time limit on basic needs… I also don’t understand why they have to go upstairs so early, especially as teenagers… they’re people too and you all live together… they’re not misbehaving if they come downstairs, they’re literally just existing.

Sounds like you don’t like children in general and are taking it out on your own and your partner’s kids with outrageously strict rules.

Most kids I know are decent, can only think of a handful who would be classed as habitually disrespectful, and the rare ones that could be called feral obviously have some serious issues at home… and I don’t mean parents who don’t banish them from sight at 8.30 and bans them from basics.