AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

It's completely inappropriate to be aiming to control a 14 year old this much. It might make sense to require them to be in their rooms from 9.30/10pm at that age on school nights [and the weekend you need to give more freedom] to encourage them to go to bed but that doesn't mean they are "trapped in" in the way you are proposing. To understand an appropriate bedtime - its worth noting teens circadian rhythms move dramatically later so they will struggle to feel tired before 10-11pm. Have a set of things the kids are allowed to snack on if they want to - and then let them - don't try to control their eating habits. Also, a teenager testing boundaries (especially extremely stupid and inappropriate ones) is normal and should not cause you and your wife to fight.

To be clear - I also believe rules are super important but you're treating a 14 year old more like a 5 year old. The rules you should be focused on with a 14 year old are ones around can their boyfriend visit, how they keep in contact with you where they are out etc - not bedtime and snacking.

I think it's good to have rules in place but too much/rigid rules are not beneficial to anyone. On a school night they should def be in their room with lights off at 22 at the latest for ex. And I wouldn't give other snack than fruit an hour before dinner if they are hungry.

But your rules are too rigid so you need to think about why you are having them and how they make your children feel:

Being upstairs at 8:30- tells your children you want to get rid of them (which I presume is the case?) And make them feel rejected and unloved.

The rule for getting something to eat/drink after 8:30 is just ridiculous. It depends on when they have their supper and how well they have eaten. What you can do is propose a banana (good for sleep and nutritious) and a youghurt. I tell my kids that's how they know they are hungry and not just in want of sweets. They get dessert after the meal so normally they should be satisfied.

You will alienate your kids by continuing on this path. Super rigid rules that don't make any sense are counterproductive. You need to be able to explain the rules to them and yourself. If they don't make sense then scrap them.

You are a control freak, she’s becoming an adult and you’re losing your control. Treat her as you would wish to be treated, which is not the way you are doing it right now.

if you don’t review your parenting skills now, you are in for a lot of hell years and shit relationships with your collective children as they grow up.

It’s evening not nighttime

why can’t she get a drink if she wants one? Day or night at 14. Or even run a bath at 9pm

Why are you so controlling?

this, in case you missed it! the poor child....

Why can a 14 year old not have a cup of tea after 8:30 and needing to be be in their room by 9:30 is really early. I would think she’s often still doing homework till 9ish so not being allowed a bath till after that is crazy. Times needs to get later as they get older. On job school days I don’t think any time limit should be on a 14 year old as long as not disturbing others.

you think no rules makes kids feral but too strict rules will make them rebel

YABVU

First of all, from experience it is very difficult for a young girl to live with a man who is not their parent, regardless of how caring you think you are towards them. I am assuming you’re a man and also assume if you’re a woman it’s slightly easier but still not perfect.

Second of all what are you going to do when the 14 year old is 16, 18, 21? Will they be allowed to have a late night snack or bath as an adult?

I will try not to judge as routine is important for children and maybe it’s a transition you’re struggling with but this is a teenager who will soon be an adult, you can’t dictate when they eat, drink and bathe.

I am glad your wife is sticking up for her daughter here.

The fact you think she’s trying to cause an argument says something about this dynamic, and it’s not good.

Btw it’s FERAL! Maybe you should go upstairs and not come back down until you can spell !

was that your choice though and if you wanted a drink or snack later on were you allowed one?

My good god you sound like a dictator

OP do you realise you hate these children and probably all children?

I have four (now adult) kids. I remember, noisy evenings and I remember when bed time was 7:30. Pure bliss once the house went quiet, especially as I worked full time.

But as the kids grew, as much as I liked a quiet evening, it is their home too. By 14 I'm shocked that your SD isn't getting her own cup of tea whenever she feels like it. By all means, some rules about snacks too close to meal time make sense, but apart from that, if she's hungry at 9pm, surely she can make some toast or something that takes a similar amount of effort.

If it's about the kitchen being clean after dinner, she should of course be cleaning up after herself too.

You and your wife are having arguments because the rules are too strict. By not budging on the rules, you're choosing to fight, the SD isn't making you fight.

If you don't relax, you're likely to find that you go through something similar with each child as they get older.

As for bed time, this also needs to change with her age. Expecting her to be out of sight by 8:30 is a bit much in her own home.

Hang in there, it will only be a few years before they start moving out for uni, but for now, you need to relax those rules.

I agreed with everything you said until you got to the part about the tea, which seems ridiculous to me. Many, many people drink tea or coffee (caffeinated) in the evenings. My mother’s nursing home offers residents a cup of tea at 9pm. Unless people find that the caffeine gives them insomnia, what’s the problem?

Oh dear you’d hate my house. I caught my son going upstairs with noodles at 2am, when I woke to use the loo 🤦🏼‍♀️

You are controlling and abusive.

Your wife needs to leave you.

Absolutely outrageous!

you can’t say your kids can’t come out of their rooms. They’re 14!!! Goodness me. I mean this is horrific.

I can’t believe someone would think that was ok??????

You are denying her access to food,
drink and hygiene and imprisoning her in her
room after a certain time. You are being abusive and controlling.

This is the stage she needs to be learning healthy habits for Life. This can include healthy top-ups if she is hungry in the evening. If you are hungry, you presumably eat.

Good sleep hygiene is important, so having herbal tea in the cupboard, a house rule for everyone no devices in the last hour or two before bed, no noise after a certain time that could disturb others, and working out how much sleep she actually needs then working backwards from when she needs to get up so she has a guideline time to turn off her light all make sense.

As a PP have said, it seems your parenting approach hasn’t evolved since she was little.
If you and your wife have done a good job of raising your family, which hopefully you believe you have, you are continually equipping them for adulthood. This means them knowing how to listen to their bodies and minds, and make positive choices. If you are too strict at home, she will leave at 18 and never return and your wife will probably be devastated.

The asking for foodisfair enough if upu ate keeping to a budget. I make my kids ask for snacks because if they were just allowed to help themselves we would genuinely habe no food left half the month. I cannot afford to buy more.
However with the tea and bath thing i think you are being very unreasonable. Just tell her she needs to quietly sort those things out herself if its after 8.30. She doesnt need to be bothering you.. why cant she just make herself a cup of tea withput asking? Or use the bath as long as shes quiet etc
I dont see why she must be confined toher room.
Fair enough if itsadult time in the living room but banning her fromaccessing the rest of the house isa bit much imo

You took the words out of my mouth. Most 14 year olds have got an active social life by that age and would be out with their friends/boyfriends until much later than 8.30. I can’t believe this post isn’t a windup

She’s not 7 and you’re abusive at worse and stunting her development at best.

You sound like my dad. Very controlling.

Sure. Rules. But not just any batshit list of requirements so you can throw your weight around . Rules should reflect values.

I don’t think you understand what feral means. If you really think that the young people in your house are only constrained from felonies by not letting them be in your sight in the evenings, not letting them bathe and by not being allowed a hot drink, then you might want to have a bit of a think about what a family is.

The time can be adjusted for age groups. But no it’s not abusive to say no to caffeine at 9pm.

have a chat with your wife and agree what time and rules work for both of you even better include the kids so you can all agree. I don’t thinks a hot drink before bed is bad thing. I can understand wanting to carve out some quiet time for the adults. But agree it as a family.

You can’t control your children's every movement - they also need to learn how to make decisions for themselves. They won’t be equipped for life if someone has told them when to eat and sleep their whole lives! No one should follow rules blindly, we need to learn how to judge these things and when to question them. Your rules are not fair and potentially dangerous. Kids are growing, they need to eat when they are hungry - as long as it is healthy you should let them snack. Controlling when and what a teenager eats can lead to eating disorders. Supply healthy snacks and let them take them when they want!