My husband tells his parents everything

you are both at opposite ends of a spectrum. There needs to be a meeting in the middle. Find the middle ground You are a team and it needs to be a negotiation between the two of you what is discussed. He needs to pull back a bit and you need to let go a bit. Nothing to do with projection
communicate with each other.

Oh god, I was brought up like you and my DH like yours.

I really detest my private business being shared and DH's mum was a nosey fucker who loved to find out every detail and then tell everyone she knows.

I did struggle with this a little but fortunately my DH was onboard with not sharing things I wasn't comfortable with with her.

We did end up going non contact but that was a different matter!

I feel for you, I'd be LIVID if my DH shared private things with his gossipy mother. He already shared more than I was comfortable with when we were dating, but thankfully, he reined that in on my request!

Blimey! Are you absolutely sure she hadn't been on the run since before you were born??

It’s his mom, I think it’s normal to tell them everything. Your family sound a little bit restrictive and made a big deal over privacy that it’s caused some issues. The truth is kids don’t blab all your business. They may let slip a few things but the majority of that will have missing context. Like the time my daughter told the school she had to protect me from her dad. I was called into a meeting and was horrified. We used to play a game where he’d grab me and she had to come and get me back. A game that she loved and would ask to play. It really tainted it for a while and I refused to play the game. Then I thought it was punishing her for trying to explain a game. So we resumed playing it but I said don’t tell anyone and my husband pulled me up. He said no sweetheart you tell anyone you want to because the game isn’t bad or wrong

A lot of extremes here and no happy medium.

Obviously your mum’s way of doing things sounds batshit and awful; but I’m not sure things are much better with your DH and his family. Talking to each other is good but everybody telling your MIL absolutely everything, and her then sharing everything with everyone else is really not normal. It sounds as if the only options here are insanely rigid, over the top boundaries; or no boundaries at all. And neither is healthy.

You should absolutely be able to confide in your DH about past trauma of yours and expect him not to share that with his mother. And he should be able to talk to her about what’s happened with your DC and know that it won’t get relayed all round the whole family - if it’s something quite sensitive, and about a child who will soon be a teenager, that child has the right to privacy on her/his own account.

Have you ever actually said to your DH that you’d like to tell him more about things that have hurt you, but it’s really painful for you if he then shares your confidences with his mum, especially knowing that she’s likely to share them with others?

Could you say to him that while you accept the way things were done in your family wasn’t great, the way things are done in his isn’t great either? That while having too many boundaries is unhealthy, having some is actually good?

What do you think his reaction to that would be?

I actually agree with you OP. It’s not just a case sharing with MIL, it’s the fact that you know she’ll then share with whoever she wants to. I agree that children have a right to privacy and their personal business shouldn’t be broadcast everywhere just because their grandmother likes to overshare.

Telling his parents I'd possibly be ok with, knowing she would tell everyone else. I'd definitely not be ok with. Does your son what everyone in his family to know what he did? I bet not.

Op can tell him not to discuss her, she absolutely cannot control who he seeks parenting advice from!

"I remember as a child someone calling the house phone to speak to her and me saying she was lying down, because she was, and she was furious with me!"

OMG, just a few years ago my DM got angry for me for answering the door when she was apparently pretending to be out. Luckily my DF took my side, noting that they would have seen the light on anyway.

"I'd honestly much rather have a friend like your Mum than your MIL 😄"

I really wouldn't. I see the problem with gossiping, but OP's family seems to have mental health issues.

His family sounds normal to me. We don't have any secrets from the extended family, we all know what's going on with each other and can support each other. I wouldn't want my DC to grow up feeling that they shouldn't be talking to people when they need support. I'd rather they learn to be open about difficulties they have and about their own mistakes.

WTF? This is not normal at all.

Sounds like maybe she had some paranoid tendencies?
Was your dad similar?
I feel sorry for her and the high level of anxiety she has, but you and your siblings too as you grew up very guarded.
BUT having a MIL who is known to be gossipy / TMI and airing out everyone's business is the other extreme! I'd honestly much rather have a friend like your Mum than your MIL 😄

This would be a deal breaker for me, OP. Your in laws have no right to know any of this stuff, and he shouldn't be discussing it with them. What if the two of you had a big row? Would he discuss that with his parents too? He needs to understand that we all need boundaries, and he needs to respect that. Gossiping about your lives, even with family, is absolutely not OK.

I agree that there's a happy medium between your two families' ways of being. The story about your mother and the hairdresser is bizarre. That's just a very odd thing to care about and request of you. But I also think it's perfectly normal to have certain things (finances, embarrassing incidents) that you want to keep private. There were times when my parents asked that I keep specific things just within the family, so I find that normal.

It's understandable that you don't want your private business (or that of your child) to be the latest gossip for your PIL. I think it's reasonable to want to keep some things private, but when it comes to your DC, your husband has to agree or compromise.

At this point, it sounds like the cat is out of the bag regarding the trouble at school. Try to take comfort in the knowledge that your MIL isn't singling out you or your child. She's like this with everyone, unfortunately. At least she isn't pretending that her other grandchildren are perfect while talking about your own son's less positive behaviour.

I’m on the fence with this. I tell my dm a lot, because she’s a huge support to me, and it gives me a chance to think things through out loud. But she’s very discreet and trustworthy. As the dc have got older there are some things that I don’t share with her, if it feels like I’d be breaching their privacy.

I think your childhood is making you overly sensitive, but at the same time I think you should be able to expect a degree of discretion from a spouse. There’s a difference between keeping secrets and being considerate of another person’s feelings. YANBcompletelyU

Yes there’s this. I once sent my own Mum a picture of me at a pole fitness class, when I’d finally mastered a hold I’d struggled with. Next time I was home a random old bloke in their local mentioned it to me. She’d shown random people in the pub! She now receives very scant info about me, and while I do send her pictures of DS as they live in another country she is under strict instructions only to share them with family and very close friends. To her credit she does usually ask if she can share a particular one to the family group chat before she does it. She knows that they would stop dead if she broke my trust.

I can see both sides. I find it strange that your mother is secretive about very mundane things like hairdressers.

but on the other hand, I would also be reluctant to tell in laws sensitive stuff if they are so gossipy. The school issues is the type of thing I would tell my mother but I know it would go no further

But if you expect him not to speak to his own parents about his own children, you’re not breaking the cycle, you just add your own parents and children to the cycle.

By continuing to keep your own life private, you are also not breaking the cycle.