My husband tells his parents everything

On one occasion some years ago, SIL asked me about the medical condition I was suffering from at the time, and said she hoped it would be better soon.

All well and good. Except it was an extremely personal issue and I didn't tell anyone at all except for DH, and I assumed he would consider it a private matter. Turned out he'd told MIL all about it, with updates, and she'd relayed it to SIL and god knows who else.

I was absolutely furious with DH and told him to never do it again. He knew I meant business, and to be fair, he didn't do it again.

Maybe you carry it all too far.

However I do think it is a bad idea to discuss children's issues with wider family. We owe our children confidentiality.

This is relatable. I’m a very private person, my family on both sides are the same.

I have at times found it almost physically painful how open my husband can be. Not in an embarrassing way to be clear, he’s not out there oversharing about our sex life or anything like that, but he would merrily share salary information, how much our mortgage payments are etc with his children. I absolutely hated it.

These are actually child age children by the way, not adult children. I am all for teaching children how to manage money but knowing the intricacies of your parents finances is not appropriate, in my opinion.

Stop projecting.

I think some family things should stay private. I would hate to think that my husband told his parents something about one of our children that in later life would be embarassing for them. Yes we all talk generally about mundane little things that ultimately do no harm but we should know when to draw the line.

Re your son I would discuss this with your husband and ask him to respect your son’s privacy and maybe say that you know stuff about your nephews you think should have been private or told to you by his sibs if they wanted the whole extended family to know. As a teenager I wouldn’t have wanted my aunts and uncles to know my private business. Tell him that when older your kids may not feel they can confide in you both if they think everything gets relayed to granny and told to everyone

I think the middle ground is what you should be aiming for and modeling for your kids.

It’s okay to have some things that stay between immediate family - you DH and kids, and okay to have some stuff that goes just to the GPs.

Your mother went to an unhealthy extreme. Your MIL sounds like mine - loves the drama of being the one to share the latest news/gossip.

Try to get your DH on the same page for big important sensitive things - explain the reason behind not oversharing some stuff - ie your child’s recent school issue - that could be something not shared with GPs in order to protect your son’s privacy. Or something that is downplayed to GPs, or they are told to keep to themselves.

And on your side keep processing your trauma with a therapist, and work on letting go a little.

I think there are two issues. My mother also thinks that Omertà is for wimps and lives to the northern Irish standard of “say nothing”. I get it.

But I also think you could have a conversation with your PIL , just to say where you boundaries are. Is there a reason you can’t talk to them?

I think some people are weird about the concept of “ secrets” and have difficulty understanding that just because you don’t want the world knowing something it doesn’t mean it’s a “secret” and shameful.

I voted yabu because I wouldn't like to be told what I could or couldn't tell my mum

I think your children have a right to privacy and I would not tell their personal school business to anyone either.

Growing up, I remember a friend of the family telling my parents something fairly innocent that one of their (young) children did. That 'child' is now 40+ and to THIS DAY, my parents recount what this child did. Whenever her name is mentioned, they exclaim how she was always a wrong 'un.

My DH cannot keep anything to himself. I stopped telling him certain things as a result.

Yep! That is really, really weird and not normal.

Seems it’s been “decided” it’s her way or the highway..

Can you not just have a long conversation with your DH about what you consider to be “private” so you can both agree.

It’ll be exhausting if you have to discuss every single event to determine if it’s “private” or not.

It wouldn’t even cross my mind that my children getting in trouble at school would be private information. I’d need to discuss it outside the family to get parenting ideas!

Exactly there’s a difference in gossiping about everyday stuff , just conversation ie your brother is thinking of moving , your sister got a new sofa in the sale etc and sharing private things told to you in confidence

Everyday news is fine, personal information is different. Tbf I talk to my sisters about everything, DH probably knows as we talk a lot but he’s never said anything. I’d be annoyed if he done it. 🫣

I always share stuff with (adult) family, and think it's good my partner can talk things out. TBH, I'd prefer that to him asking strangers online. It is normal and good to talk, and I hope my kids both feel comfortable to talk to me when they grow up. I do understand if your MIL tells everyone, you could have a problem with that, so both of you need to talk to her as a couple, and ask can she keep confidential, because if not, you won't be able to share things with your husband that he can then talk over with her.

My wife is much more secretive than me, not quite to your level but it’s tough, neither are necessarily wrong, we’re all just different. Fighting it doesn’t really help.

Of course yoûre not weird. We all have stuff from our childhoods. I had a lovely mum but was brought up to be worried what people might think. I realised in my thirties ish that it really didn’t matter ( when a friend was astonished that I cared) but for a long time it was just normal for me. 20 years later it still rears its head occasionally but I usually manage to shake it off 😉

@Shinyblackstone its easier to just trust no one and be very selective with infomation

Hi, upthread you’ve been called weird. I don’t think you are in the slightest.

You can’t trust your H to keep personal, private stuff…well private! Everyone has things they would prefer the world not know, especially a MIL who in turn cannot respect your or your H’s privacy & keep her mouth shut.

Being the listening ear of someone else’s struggles is a privilege, be it a son, daughter, a wider family member, the woman down the road, this is not your information to pass on. I cannot stand those that enjoy ‘paddling’ in another person’s troubles.

I don’t blame you at all about being selective with what you share, and as for your husband relaying all to his mother….you’ve got a bucket with a huge hole in it!

I meant if your husband didn't feel the same way about not saying anything as default. What if he didn't agree with hgat

Know about yes. Gossip about it no.

@Maray1967 As I said, the default is that we don’t tell parents if one of us doesn’t want them to know.
can just imagine the LTB if a mnetter posted “my dh won’t let me speak to my mum about concerns I have for our child”

Yanbu if this is sensitive for your child and MIL can’t be trusted to keep it to herself.